[mulan]

I probably have depression since i was a litle child. Eevry time i go back to my old memories I can't never see me as a happy, confident child.
When i was 3 years old i can still remember that at that time the outside world was already running to fast and that i couldn't catch it. I was with my oldsister at kindergarden and i wasn't already capable of making my own friends.
When i watch some old videotapes i can see myself as a child that wasn't there. They call my name and most of the times i didn't answer and i wasn't a energetic child. My parents allways said that i am very lazy.
When i atended the first school years i remember me as a very shy girl with litle friends.
At five and after at seven years old i had sleeping troubles. I wasn't able to sleep at night unless i could sleep with my mothers.
Back when i was 12 i realized that i was too much afraid to die. Then i started to feel all kind of disease, I went a lot of doctors and did lots of medical exams just to hear, every time the same thing, you are perfectly fine.
I was very shy at it was very hard for me to make new friends, but i knew if i could spent some time with new people eventualy i would be more confortable. Sice my 12 years old i wasn't able to make new real friend. Now all relationships i can't get are too superficial. (I had the company of my old few friends until i was 16.)
since my junior here in high school i feel tired everyday, my memory became worst, but before that i thing i never was able to really enjoy something. I also can't make a decision by myself...
I'm now 21 and i never feel like a sad person, but my life is a mess wich i don't like. I just have the feeling that i don't care about nothing going around or inside me. I just forget everything, trying to remember things is hard, even if the information is still in my mind. I also forget my opinions about things and the reasons of my judgements, so i just feel like floating around here without a point, without a personality, without a goal. All my opinions are constantly changing and i can't know who i am. Sometimes i just feel like a normal person, just to realize after that i'm still sick. Sometimes i think that i can have a normal life and i can seek for bigger achievments in mylife just to realize later that i can't do almost everything because i don't have the energy needed.
My head can't land, its is allways out of reality and i can't put my feets on the ground-
I already attended two psychiatrists, took a lot of different pills (antidepressives) but nothing worked, it was when i was 18. I really don't know what to do. I can't speak to anyone about my problem because if i speak i will not remember lots of things, i don't have the energy to do it, i don't trust anyone and i feel lazy.
I wish there was someone out there to solve my problem instead of my, to help. Alone i can«t do nothing and my relatives don«t see through me.
My familiy is kind problematic...i am what i am in part because i never felt understood, just criticized.

[allimsaying]

Hi Mulan,

This is what it sounds like to me:

It sounds like you are dissociating when you say :

> I just have the feeling that i don't care about nothing going around or inside me. I just forget everything, trying to remember things is hard, even if the information is still in my mind. I also forget my opinions about things and the reasons of my judgements, so i just feel like floating around here without a point, without a personality, without a goal. All my opinions are constantly changing and i can't know who i am.

Then re-associating:

>Sometimes i just feel like a normal person, just to realize after that i'm still sick. Sometimes i think that i can have a normal life and i can seek for bigger achievments in mylife

Your mind is trying to solve the puzzle triple time, leading you to :

>just to realize later that i can't do almost everything because i don't have the energy needed.

You dont have energy because of the triple overtime your mind is in.

You can re-set your timing with meditation.

[bharani1008]

Hi Mulan. I'm glad you decided to join us. This is just the place for you. Here you will get the understanding you need.
Is correct that it's been 2 years since you saw a Dr.? Things change so quickly in the mental health field and they are finding new medications all the time. You have to keep going to the Dr. because it can take time to find the right help for you.
Try to get enough sleep eat properly. Keep posting here. Just hold on. We care about you.

[depressedalaskan]

(((mulan))) I too think it might be a good idea to see a doctor. In the past I have had the memory problem. What i did was printed out some of my postings from PC and shared them with my doctors so that I could show them how I was feeling. I did this a few times because I was always coming here for answers. PC is a great place to be when you are down or looking for ideas. Welcome to PC, post anytime.

[Fuzzybear]