Hi all - I was known as just christie before. I have thought about you all. I hope everyone is ok i have to go in and read some of the posts. It has been months since I have written. I finally got out of my waitress job, got rid of my apt in nyc moved in with my mom and helped here cope thru breast cancer. she is fine now. i just ended another job - a sales job selling an innovative product, they aren't doing well financially. oh well, was depressed abou it for a bit but am interviewing for new sales positions. will find out next week about one. will be good if i get it. i need to still get myself on my feet financially. i owe so much money and have debt collectors calling me every day. i feel like i don't have the strength to deal with it, it is all so overwhelming that i just don't deal with it and it keeps getting longer and longer and worse and worse and i really must deal with it, i have promised myself i would this week b/c i just stopped paying all of them. really bad. it hangs over me all the time and i feel like it adds to my constant anxiety i wake up with every day. I suffer from both depression and anxiety. take meds but don't see a therapist right now b/c can't afford one but i do def. need one. i am much better than my last post on forum mos. ago. i have gotten my life together partially and am much stronger. my mom is fine. i am lookimng forward to starting a new job and doing well in it. i plan on becoming a spin instructor in march. i usually work out 4-5 times a week. i actually am hardly ever hungry which isn't good. i have lost over 10 lbs over the past year from stress. am down to about 108 and am 5 4". so trying to gain a few back. i just need to organize my life financially and in other ways so i can be a more together relaxed person. i am always rushing around and breaking things et.c - i think it has a lot to do b/c of my financial stress and disorganization. but it all overwhelms me so again i don't do anything about it. i felt realllly depressed yesterday and took a bunch of my tranqulizers (not that many) to just knock me out. i drank the nite before and it put me into a depression the next day. i realized i can't drink. only once and a while if i am in a good mental state and at the time i wasn't. i am anxious about the job stuff. no guy in my life right now. i went two dates with one guy and didn't like his behavior on the second one b/c he made me pay for 1/2 date and didn't offer to drive me home when it was 1:30 in the morning even though i was in nyc where taxis are everywhere and he walked me to one. i felt he could have driven me home as i wanted to go to queens, a neighboring borough and couldn't (where i live) b/c was too late so i had to make arrangements during move to stay at a friends. i let it all bother me too much i know and i told him everything he did thru email that he did wrong, no response. my friends told me that in situations like thast i should just not go out with the guy again and leave it at that. instead i let it upset me to the point it affects me at work and all parts of my life. i continually question myself and the validity of my feelings. i am tired of that. i don't want to do that anymore, but don't know how to stop. i want to feel stronger inside so that external influencers don't affect me like that again, like with the date. any advice how to do that? has anyone struggled with that sort of thing??? i know i need a therapist and life is journey etc. but i want to feel stronger already and not let that bulls. affect me anymore. it sucks thanks for listening.
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