[jesusplay]

When ever I see stairs I picture in my head throwing my self down them and rolling until I die.

I do this often, I picture was I could kill myself that would look like a murder so god doesn't send me to hell.

Should I tell my pdoc, therapist?

I'm not going to act on the thoughts, I just have thoughts.

I get bored?

I don't even have to be depressed.

[dubblemonkey]

I think you have a pretty good Idea what it is......

so now what?

how can we ...(you and yourself and others)...

all combined!

how can 'we' encourage you to like yourself?

death is easier than life

my idea of the suicidal idea has become just the perfect ability to complain like all **** about whatever I need to!...

and somehow translate that into the physical...

and death I have tried...!

and yet?

now it's much better alive I can complain about everything anytime all the time everytime!...

...I cannot do this unless I am alive...

and complaining is cathartic!

what you wrote was courageous!...well done!

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by jesusplay

When ever I see stairs I picture in my head throwing my self down them and rolling until I die.

I have this:
Vasovagal response - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

And I once rolled down the stairs, not on purpose, due to fainting. It hurt, but I did not die.

Maybe since your ideation is so narrowly constrained to picturing the stairs, you can work with the ideation/vision/metaphor/etc. in you mind, by picturing yourself rolling but then stopping to pick yourself up and go.

If you have no intention of acting on them, I don't think it's a big deal. I think we all, regardless of issues or lack of them, sometimes picture such a situation on stairs, a cliff, a bridge...whatever.

Suicidal ideation is when suicide seems preferable to whatever you're facing in life....usually an end to pain, whether physical or emotional, doesn't matter. Anything to get rid of the constant, unending pain. Of course, it isn't the anwer, but that is the thinking behind it, and I can't say I've never been in that frame of mind.

[Perna]

I would sort of treat it like I do a dream and look at the circumstances surrounding when you see/think of stairs? I was in a group once, group therapy, and kept having a similar fantasy where I'd imagine myself doing a perfect somersault off the couch so I landed sitting on the floor? It wasn't possible but I would think about it endlessly and try to picture it.

At the time, I was frightened in therapy, sitting next to one of the therapists and had all sorts of things going on in therapy that was more than I could understand/put into words and work on? Perhaps, thinking about it now, the non-possible somersault corresponds to the not able to understand at that time? Maybe instead of a dream, I would think of it as a spacer or place holder now; I know when I did not understand something in my individual therapy I'd put a mental red flag there, like the flag on a golf course that showed where a hole is? That way I could find my way back to think about the "problem" until the time I could understand it and didn't need the red flag anymore.

From your post and nickname, I would think maybe you are stuggling with how faith/religion and psychotherapy/mental illness work together? I am reminded of Jesus being tempted by Satan to throw himself off the mountain, the angels would catch him? If you are having difficulty because your therapist or psychiatrist or others you want to work with don't seem to have your beliefs and you don't know how to proceed, I would have a discussion with them about it, see what you can learn, see if there are other alternatives that might be closer to what you believe or if you can learn of other perspectives that allow your beliefs and seeming needs to co-exist together in your head easier, etc.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by jesusplay

When ever I see stairs I picture in my head throwing my self down them and rolling until I die.

I do this often, I picture was I could kill myself that would look like a murder so god doesn't send me to hell.

Should I tell my pdoc, therapist?

I'm not going to act on the thoughts, I just have thoughts.

I get bored?

I don't even have to be depressed.

here where I live and work in New York which is in the USA suicide Ideation is having thoughts of suicide, these thoughts may or may not have a plan to do it attached to it.

examples.....
walking down the street and thinking.. i could walk up that fire escape and jump off.

I want to kill myself

Im going to do this, that, what ever and then Ill die....

time to take my meds, i should just swallow the whole bottle and be done with it all then so and so will feel bad about what they did to me...

time to take my antidepressant.. look at them all wonder what would happen if I just took them all, just go to sleep for ever..

here a suicide action / suicide attempt is telling someone Im going to... and then going into detail.. and making the attempt, here suicide action is actually attempting your plan.

[turquoisesea]

I think these thoughts, even if you don't intend to follow through with them, is something a therapist could help you with.

they're still thoughts, and even if they dont' lead to action they're still coming from something. So figuring out the WHY might help in your recovery