[jrae]

Here's the post I wrote the other day.
I've started thinking about WHY this is happening to me. I've had depression for over 13 years now. And the last 5 have been super hard, very debilitating! So why am I the one who has to suffer like this? Why do I have to be robbed of having a 'regular' life? I live in a small, rural community, so it is easy to notice things. Everyone around me gets their 'regular' life: school, dating, college, good jobs, marriage, kids, and some even dream careers. So how come I don't get any of that?? What did I do to deserve this? I've battled suicidal thoughts for half my life. Where is the logic or sense in that?

That last part has just been eating at me lately. I've spent over half my life battling suicidal thoughts. Just going through that battle on a constant basis. And things aren't getting better. And honestly, I'm starting to lose hope. When I first started taking meds, I said that I wouldn't make it through five years (of trying with no improvements). Two months ago was the seven year mark. I know I can't keep fighting this battle, with no improvement or relief. So what now...

[Thunder Bow]

Forget the "why?" and don't compare yourself with others. Dreams Jobs can turn into a journey into hell. A marriage can be fatal, or worse. School can be stressful, and dates can be a total disaster. Think of all the stress you missed!

The sense in all that, is that you can be on your own healing journey free of stress.

[NWgirl2013]

You said a mouthful there Thunder Bow.
I know a lot about how you are feeling jrae. I can't even think about 'why' anymore, because even if I came up with a great answer, would it make a difference really? For me, no. All I can do is my best everyday. I try. That's all anyone can do.
What is important in your life? What brings you joy?
The best thing I did for myself, ever, is get out of my own head, everyday, for a little while. Volunteering where there is a real need, in my case, a local hospital, believe it or not, takes me to a different place in my head where my thoughts can rest for awhile. Doing & giving feeds us depressives especially. I made time in my schedule and it is saving me from myself.
It breaks up the day and I get a glimmer of hope, for a little while.
I do understand your pain. It is up to us to be our own change, however brief. Good luck to you.

[spondiferous]

I agree that comparing yourself to others is probably one of the worst things you can do, *especially* when you are already down to begin with. But at the same time it's hard not to; in fact it's most often the first place we go, mentally. I often compare myself to my friends and end up feeling completely crappy abot myself. You're right that it's not fair to have to go through this. Who knows why it happens to some and not others? I feel bitter sometimes that I've always tried my best to be a good person, worked my *** off at jobs, worked my *** off in recovery and barely gotten anywhere...and all around me people who don't seem to have to work for anything get everything they want, or a lot of it anyway.

And I know some of them look at me and can't understand why I don't work harder for certain things, why I can't hold down a job, why I don't drive, etc etc. I get these kinds of questions from people.

I guess for me I have to keep it real simple. My life is hard enough without worrying about what I have or don't have. I'm not saying it's easy; it's bloody hard. But when I think about why this is happening to me, and why life isn't the way I want it to be, and if I'll ever have any semblance of a 'normal life' when some days I can barely manage to tie my shoes, I literally go crazy.

It's important to not only allow time to heal, but also space: mental and emotional space as well as physical.

I hope you are able to find some healing around all of this. And if it helps, you can PM me any time.

[Fuzzybear]

[yellowfrog268]

I can completely relate to the "Why Me" question. Although I've never had suicidal thoughts I have had to deal with the fall-out from several years of childhood sex abuse and now, constant sadness.
I ask all the time "Why me?" I don't think there are any answers to be had.

All I can say is that I agree with what others have posted, that it is one of the worst questions to ask yourself especially when your already down.

Here's hoping it gets at least a little better for you. If you are a spiritual person, it may help to remind yourself that we are all on this planet for a reason and sometime that reason isn't crystal clear but it's important non-the-less.