[tigersassy]

It has been really hard for me the past few years and its just gotten worse. I took a step this past Tuesday and am trying really hard right now not to undo the bigger step. I took yesterday. Tuesday I contacted a portion of my insurance that can help me find Drs of all sorts and was connected with two people by phone who actually seemed to care. One of them happened to be a mental health nurse and even gave me his extension and said that he would follow up with me this next week. I guess he could tell how incorrect in the head I sounded. And he decided that CBT sounded like a type of therapy I should try along with finding a good PCP that could of needed prescribe medications. Well I was anxious the whole time we were talking on the phone to the point I began "losing feeling" in my hands (when I get to stressed or anxious I start shutting off feeling to my body it used to be so I wouldn't feel SI). Anyway... so they searched for providers for me that are covered by my insurance for a therapist and a PCP I received the options from them the 11th and called and made appointments for both yesterday. Now I'm trying really hard not to call and cancel those appointments which would be normal for me I cancel everything when I start getting nervous or anxious about it. I know I really need to do this and get myself sorted out, but its hard for me really hard.

[Leed]

Hi dear Tiger~ DO NOT CANCEL, my friend! Believe me, this won't "hurt." LOL I've been thru therapy, seen doctors of all kinds, and it was exactly what I needed, and I have a feeling I was sicker than you because I ended up in a mental hospital.

Please don't cancel, okay?? Just because we see mental health professionals doesn't mean we're crazy. It just means that we need a little extra help. And if you ask me, everyone on the face of the earth needs a little extra help! It seems like everyone I come in contact with lately "needs some help." This world is so crazy and it's so fast and furious that it's no doubt we need help!

And don't be afraid. The new doctor will be fine. He will just do an assessment of you to find out your needs. It's NO big deal, Tiger! Really. So please don't be afraid.

I BEG YOU not to cancel. This is what you need, and you'll feel SO much better for it. Please let me know after your appointments, how it went, ok? I'll be anxious to hear. God bless & please take care. Big hugs, Lee

[tigersassy]

This wont be my first therapist. I've been to 2 and a pdoc. Since 2007 I've been in the hospital stress unit 3 times.

[tigersassy]

So this is what is going on in my head. I just gotta get it out. Otherwise I think I might burst.

My head isn't a very easy place to be its full of contradictions and jumbo uturns.
I'm anxious and nervous about going to see a Dr for my problems. I don't like being put in situations where I don't have control and I always think the worst is what is going to happen. I know I'm depressed. Negative thoughts all the time and when I have energy the negative thoughts just race around my head faster and faster until I can't see straight then I lose my breath and have to calm down and try to refocus to regain my bearings on reality. I have been suicidal before off and on since 2nd grade. I eat in circles and normally have to eat all of one thing before moving on to the next thing on my plate. If I do jump between things they are touching and have to be somewhat mixed together. If the same car is behind me for more than 4 turns I start driving around every block to find out if they are following me. I don't focus well most of the time... if something shiny is put infront of me I'm off topic. I Siberia don't sleep or sleep to much. I don't eat how I should. I either eat way to much or way to little. I can be supper happy dancing and singing one minute and within an hour or so be crying and have no idea why. I sometimes am really easily made mad. To the point you could accidentally run into me and I'd be ripping your head off. My thoughts cycle I get mad at you then I get mad at me for getting mad at you etc... I can tell you that all of these things are unreasonable but I still do them and think them. I rarely feel middle ground and am always one extreme or the other. My moods don't last very long and I can go up and down to the extremes a few times a day. I don't want to go to the Dr because my trust is shot, I don't want to be put in the hospital again and that's my biggest fear, and I know I'm bad at taking medicines.

[Fuzzybear]

[tigersassy]

I can't talk to anyone about what's going on. Not even a professional. I will NOT go back into the hospital. For one I can't afford to for two I just don't want to. The mental health nurse I've got mentioned going into the hospital today when he called to check on me. I'm not suicidal. I've been thinking a lot about SI but that's not a reason to get locked away is it? I'm fighting the urges and sticking with my gameplan for the most part, but they are still there. Its to the point tonight that I want to call and cancel my therapy appt set for Mon afternoon. I can't deal with this crap. I can't worry about getting put back in the hospital if I tell the truth. But if I lie I'm just going to feel bad about that which is going to perpetuate the whole darn cycle. I just want. All of this to be better. I want to fit in and not see myself as a freak. I'm hoping to be falling asleep soon, but with how anxious I am I don't are that happening for a few hours. Grrrrrrr...........