Putting on the happy face

Hi everyone. Just thought I'd share how I'm feeling.
It's been a wired week. Had my doc appointment this week and we've decided to only give my ADs another week to see if they kick in. On citalopram 30mg and having no effect whatsoever. Probably changing. Went to my first counselling appt which is free for 6 sessions through work and she told me that I was too depressed right now to be able to get anything out of therapy! So that's been put back a month to see if new Meds work first. Felt really dejected and down.

In amongst all that it was my birthday last Sunday. Saw all the family and got some great presents and some overwhelming love but its so hard to put on the smiley face when inside its so dark and heavy. It's my daughters birthday, yesterday actually, but everyone is coming round today and I'm anxious and know I will have to smile through it for her sake.

I'm finding it so hard to cope with the guilt. My partner, kids and family are all so loving and supportive. They don't push me and are just there for me. It's hard to try and seem ok for them. I wish I could just be happy and stop feeling so rubbish all the time.

I know it's so hard to pretend to be cheerful when we're soo low. It takes so much energy. It's nice that you are still so considerate towards your family. They probably have no idea how hard it is for you. It seems a common thing for depressed people to pretend everything is alright. I know that I do it all the time.
I've never had therapy but that seems kinda strange for a therapist to say. I'd talk to another professional and just see if what she said is consistent with common practice. Also does that mean you only have 5 sessions left? Not fair!
Just know that we are here for you and understand a lot of what you are going through.
I hope you feel better.

hey!
I absolutely know how you feel.
But through my experience, and how I feel what helps, is to NOT PUT ON THE SMILING FACE. it might sound cruel, but it takes up all our energy to try and pretend being something, that we are not. at the moment. I understand that there are certain situations that require us to "be okay", or to act like everything's okay, but in my opinion, this is what does the most damage. To try and act like everything's fine.
I, personally avoid all the situations, where I have to act like something I'm not. and I am slowly, gradually coming back to "normal life".

when we are depressed, we feel very vulnerable and weak. so imagine trying to act like normal, when feeling dark and deep inside. It's nearly impossible. And if it does work for a while, it will use all of our remaining energy.

I'm really happy that you have a supportive family!
As for the therapy, I did go to therapy when my meds didn't kick in, and I found it really helpful. I have to disagree with your counselor on that one. I think you should definitely go to therapy as many times as you can. maybe twice a week or so. A good therapist makes the real difference. Not the meds.

good luck!
Marcell

Thanks guys. It was mostly ok. There were children here so I spent all my time with them and the baby. It's easy to be with them. Does anyone else feel that way? I have a new granddaughter and love spending time just holding her. I find it really calming.
Thanks for your kind words. My GP is putting in a referral for counselling too so I have another chance at that too. Trying to be positive.
Hope you're both having a good day
Caron

Hang in there OP. I have been thru that tunnel and back. In support to you and anyone else who is suffering from depression, always act on impulses of what you are not what others want you to be or acting on their deviant perception of what they want you to be or act like.

What I do is think about my immediate family, the love I have for them, the love they have for me, the accomishments I have done in my life and that brings up high self esteem in me and the mentality needed to face this world.

Hang in there. If you are taking any sort of medications, I'm sure eventually they'll kick in and help you further. You have my support, God bless you and your family.