[davmid]

I've recently come to realize that I've been suffering from depression for many years and it has gotten much worse over the past 5. Now my wife has left me after being together for 20 yrs. and she's not coming back.

I have 2 teen agers that are faced with a broken family- and I've been trying to hold myself together enough to be supportive and strong for them. We've always been as open and honest with them about life situations as seemed apprpriate and both are bright and strong and aware of life's challenges.

I feel compelled to share with them what I've been going through and how it's been affecting my decisions and my relationship with them and with their mother, but am not sure how to approach it. My condition has been the main reason for the struggles the 4 of us are facing now and has become almost debilitating for me and I want my kids to know why all of this is happening. My biggest concern is that I don't want to cause them more stress than they're already enduring and I don't want them to be burdened with the thought that they somehow have to take care of me.

If anyone has experience with or advice about this, I'd really appreciate hearing it.

dmd

[Leed]

I'm sorry this has happened. And I'm sorry your wife left you when you needed her most. It seems that vows don't mean much anymore.

Alot depends on how old your children are. I know you said they were teenagers, but 13 is alot different than 17. So you will have to use your discretion.

I too believe you should be honest with your children. I see no reason to shield the fact that you've been depressed. I have a feeling that they already know it. Children are VERY observant, and are certainly NOT stupid. We can't keep things from them like we think we can.

You need to tell them that their mother left because of your depression and she's not coming back -- straight up and simple. They need to know the truth. Why tell them "she might come back" and get their hopes up? It's not the truth, and there's no point in lying.

Plus you need to just say that it's the 3 of you now, and that you might need some help. Ask them to be understanding and patient with you.

I HOPE that you're under treatment because it would not be fair to the kids if you were not! So either go into therapy, or get on an antidepressant - one or the other, but you HAVE TO DO SOMETHING. Not doing anything would be abusive to the kids. Plus it wouldn't do you any good either.

I wish you the very best. I'm sure things will be okay as long as you have treatment of some kind. Kids are very resilient and they'll grieve - but they'll be ok. God bless and let us know from time to time how you're doing. Hugs, Lee

[davmid]

Originally Posted by Leed

You need to tell them that their mother left because of your depression and she's not coming back -- straight up and simple. They need to know the truth. Why tell them "she might come back" and get their hopes up? It's not the truth, and there's no point in lying.

Thanks Leed. I think I left a lot of info out of my story. When she left, I didn't even understand that it was depression and neither did she. Even though she kept trying to work things out (for several years), it was like I just didn't care any more. I had no emotions. I'd work on the relationship for a little while and then slip away. The last year was the worst...

Then, a while after she left me, I started being flooded with emotions and went downhill fast and began looking into what was happening. That's when I realized it was depression all along. After years of her trying to fix things and me seeming to not want to or not care about anything- she's too far gone from the relationship to reconcile. Whch is causing serious emotional problems for me now- which as you mentioned- has a great deal to do with the promise we made to each other.

As far as the kids (14 & 16)- we each spend a week at a time with them. And we've told them we're not getting back together. I will have this conversation with them again to be sure that's their understanding. They know I don't want this to be happening and they know that I'm very sad about it. They don't know that I have a disorder that's keeping me from moving on and they definitely haven't seen me at my worst (my weeks away from them)

I'm still in the process of learning about my condition and haven't been evaluated yet. I started with a therapist and will see a nurse practicioner in 2 weeks for evaluation. I think that's been part of my hesitation in talking to them about it- I don't know yet what's going on and if or how I'll get better. Right now it sems like a bottomless pit I've stepped off into.

Sorry for the long post- I was typing while I was thinking it through!

[Pierro]

Hello davmid, I'm so sorry about your marriage breakup but the main thing is that you are seeking help for your depression. You sound like a great dad, and are obviously worried about the effect your breakup will have on your children. I myself have depression and I'm with my 3 children in the evening as my husband works. My kids have seen me at my lowest and have often seen me cry. The psych nurse said to me that I should say to my kids that mom gets sad sometimes and that it's nothing that they have done and that everything will be okay. My kids are 13, 9 and 6 years. Maybe that is something you could say to your kids. The main thing is that they did nothing wrong. I wish you all the best with your treatment and I hope everything works out for you.

[davmid]

Originally Posted by Pierro

The psych nurse said to me that I should say to my kids that mom gets sad sometimes and that it's nothing that they have done and that everything will be okay.

Thank you Pierro,

I'm not at all concerned that either of my kids would think it's their fault that I'm sad. One of my biggest concerns is that my 16 yr old daughter, though she really loves and appreciates her mom, seems compelled to look out for me and protect me (as I do with her). When we sat the kids down to tell them that we weren't getting back together, without a word or expression my daughter moved from her spot and sqeezed next to me and held my hand to be sure I was comforted.

I'm really afraid of her knowing how weak and shattered I am now and haven't figured out how to tell her what's happening without her wanting to take on the responsibility of my well being. It's supposed to be the other way around!

[Leed]

Hi Davmid ~ It's "ok" to let your daughter try to comfort you, as long as she knows that she had NOTHING to do with your marriage breaking up. She may want to play a "motherly" figure right now, and let her -- it's okay as long as she doesn't go overboard. She still needs to be excited about doing things with her friends and stuff at school!

But kids don't like to see their parents suffering, and it's normal for them to want to comfort the suffering parent. Actually, I'd worry about a child who DIDN'T want to comfort the parent! Girls are especially the 'comforters.' It's "inborn" in them. lol So don't take that away from her.

I'm glad you're in therapy -- you'll begin feeling better soon. Therapy helped me immensely in several situations, so don't worry. You'll be on the mend soon. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

[davmid]

Originally Posted by Leed

Hi Davmid ~ It's "ok" to let your daughter try to comfort you, as long as she knows that she had NOTHING to do with your marriage breaking up. She may want to play a "motherly" figure right now, and let her -- it's okay as long as she doesn't go overboard. She still needs to be excited about doing things with her friends and stuff at school!

Thanks for that great advice, Lee!

Seeing that psychiatrist is at the top of the list, in my view. There are often inherited
conditions that cause depression and anxiety, and you need to be evaluated to know
which kind of depression you have and what's the best medication to stabilize the brain chemistry.

The meds can be so helpful and will enable you to enjoy life again. If your emotions
came back after your wife left, that's a pretty significant statement, in my view. Please
take the advice about seeing a specialist and getting on proper medications. It can
really change your life for you.

[PaulPharm4]

I am sorry this happen. If you love your wife tell her. But the most important thing is to love your children. It is important to be a father. It would recommend getting involve in sports and going to church. Just imagine going to the gym an getting those abs.

[davmid]

Genetic- I go to see a nurse practicioner on the 28th. He will evaluate me for the meds. I've always been opposed to any type of medication, even when I get a cold or flu, etc. For this I'll do whatever it takes to be better.. I hope something will help.

Paul- I've tried with my wife. She's not coming back. I've been doing everything I can to be good to my children and when I'm with them is the only time I feel good. I've also tried to spend time exercising and feel good doing it for a couple weeks then I crash and stop doing it for a while. I'll definitely get back to it because I know there are good benefits. Thanks