Finding a positive

The depressed are open targets to a wide range of experiences that further deepen the previous feelings of self doubt, low self worth, and generally crappy experiences and feelings.

I went to the bar and had some drinks then got really high, feeling in top of the world, then I had a few too many and I slipped and stumbled and had to be carried to a barstool where I wobbled for awhile then stumbled out to my car and fell asleep with the engine running cause it was cold outside. About 5am some cops came by and....

I felt miserable when I sobered up. This isnt about drinking. This is about things that happen to us and what we do in response and then what happens. We feel worse, not better. We slide down and we keep sliding. When we drink we may not even notice the slide so much. We're 'high' all the time and we dont realize our world slips away. When we dont drink, we are really aware of the world slipping away and we feel pain about the slide but we cant seem to stop it. This is about the minute by minute crappy feelings we feel.

What Ive learned is that wherever we are is where we are. We can be feeling crappy, suicidal, worthless, pathetic, the list goes on. What we need to do, what i have done, is grab one moment, one moment Im breathing, and recognize I feel like crap, complete crap. It hurts, it sucks, I wish it'd go away. But it doesnt.

What I need to do, what I have done, is take that one moment, that one breath, that one solitary second I have to look in the mirror and ask myself why? Why is this happening, why me, why, why, why?

When I am able to freeze time like that, just for a second, I can think about all of my life, all of this world and I can see/feel what a wreck it all seems to be.

This is my moment. Black and white, its all good, or its all bad. I dont stay there. But its a photograph in my mind and what it all really comes down to. Should I live, or should I die?

Something makes me want to live. I know its the chance to take another breath, that the answer is just around the corner if I just take the next step. Or at least, I decide not to for now.

So I breathe, I look in the mirror, and I ask myself one question? How'm I gonna make it?

For me, the answer has been to take my one moment in time and find one eensie teensie mini miny, little mo of a moment and find something positive. Just one thing. I like flowers. I like horses. I like fresh air and sunshine. There. Thats one positive. (Im still learning to count)

Its enough to keep me going one more moment, one more minute, one more hour, one more day. Days become lifetimes.

If this helps anyone Im happy. If it doesnt, ok, keep looking, keep hoping. I care for all of you.

I'm sorry you are having such a bad time. Sometimes minute by minute is the only way people get through.

Ever wonder why two people can go through the same thing and one person seems to glide through it while the other winds up a wreck? I don't know if that is built into their personality or something they have worked on.

When all my options seemed to be exhausted, I started looking for answers. I found that in some countries, people look at life differently than we do. Death is not an end, but rather a continuation of a person's soul in another place. I was raised a protestant, and though I don't practice it, do believe in one creator. That being said, i find some of the eastern mindsets interesting. I don't agree with some of it, and do with other parts.

In this country, we don't have to worry about war on our streets unless you count terrorism. The poorest of us are richer than some middle classes in other countries. It makes me wonder if one reason out depression rate is so high is that we have made it past the day to day fight to just find food and shelter. We are bombarded by ads on T.V. suggesting that we can't be happy unless we are rich, can play more than we have to work and deserve the best of everything. On the surface, that doesn't sound like it would be something that would effect us, but how many hours over a lifetime are we subjected to this sort of thinking?

The question of why some people are depressed is multifaceted, and there isn't one simple answer. Between enviornmental, genetic and chemical imbalances, finding the full answer seems impossible. I guess the way to approach it is to work on one thing at a time. No one deserves to be imprisoned in their own minds, even though it seems like it when you are in the midst of a deep depression. There just isn't one answer that fits everyone. Finding inner peace is a long, difficult process and probably lifelong. We just have to keep going as best we can and try to support each other.

Sam2

Thanks Sam. The drinking incident happened several years ago. I thought I would share it because I thought others might be able to relate. Im glad you read it, thought about it and answered. I appreciate you.

I drink when I'm depressed. I had my first blackout a couple weeks ago. Scared me to death. The idea that I was awake and doing things and interacting (as much as I am capable) and remembering absolutely NOTHING about it gave me one hell of a panic attack.

I remember one time I had a blackout (one of many). I was 16. From what my friends said, I was quite the clown. At the time, because I felt like a zombie most of the time, it felt good to me that, even if I didnt remember, someone saw me having a good time. It reminded me and let me feel connected to my old self. We laughed about it together and for a little while I felt accepted.

It worried me at the same time. What if i really hurt someone sometime? I knew I couldnt live with myself if that happened. needless to say, it wasnt enough to get me to change though.

Thank God I never killed anyone.

Thanks everyone! I must have made it sound like Im not doing well! Im good! Really! I just thought this might help someone! Thanks for the PMs and VMs, but Im ok!