[davmid]

I've been going over the events of the past 4 1/2 months during which most of it I've been in a deep state of depression. When I break it down it seems like it may just be that I'm experiencing normal grieving for many losses over an extended period. Not sure if there's a difference. Each time I start feeling a little better about my situation, something else comes up and I slip back into darkness.... Here's the progression:

Jan 9 my wife and I separate as per her wishes. For the next few weeks I'm really angry and don't want anything to do with her.

Around week 3 I start to realize this is wrong and need to work on getting back together. The next week she leaves for a week long trip.

A few days after her return we get together to talk. I tell her I want to work it out and she says no, she wants to stay separated for a long while to figure it out and she wants to get her own place.

A couple weeks later we take a hike together and talk. She says she feels she made the right decision- I still want to try. I ask her about a guy I suspect she likes after seeing how she sparkled when she spoke to him (that used to be my sparkle). She said yes she likes him but he has no interest in her. (more on him later). In the car on the way home she tells me she thinks I might have to separate from her company which I've been a part of since its beginning 4 yrs earlier. I just completed the design of her new first of its kind facilty.

****Time starts to blur for me here*****

A week or so later I suddenly have no involvement in a company for which I designed the first logo, built the first website, made the first lables, designed the first and upcoming facilities, and designed a lot of the equipment to run them.

Week or 2 later we discuss selling the house and decide I should try to keep it for the stability it provides the children. I also have by this time realized that I've lost 1/2 of the precious short time I have left with my children and all of the interaction with her family during important events- none are local to us and I adopted her family as my own many years ago.

In another week or two I'm denied the loan for the house without some very creative financing and it would really be a struggle financially. I decide to let it go. The kids and I are heartbroken.

During the next week or so I decide to drive through a neighborhood on my way to work at 6am to look for houses for rent. I see my wife's car and recognize the truck parked next to it. She's at the house of the previously mentioned guy... at 6am. I drove away both stunned and furious. The guy in question is the one who will be building the facility I just designed for her. I spent several months working very closely with this guy and really liked and trusted him. I little while later I called my wife to ask her about it and she said they only started developing a relationship a week or so prior to then. I called him and met with him to discuss it and he had the same story. And they both said they wern't sleeping together and my wife said she's being very careful about the decisions she's making and really thinks he's a good guy.

Last week I was tasked with repairing some things at the house to get it ready to sell.... All the while thinking that she has been seeing this guy for about a month and I'm pretty sure their relationship has been progressing. So all I can think about is my wife being intimate with another guy. She had to go on another trip and returned this past Saturday. After her return, she wasn't reachable from Saturday afternoon until noon on Sunday. I've only been imagining the worst.....

So here I am, a little over 4 months after we separated wondering why it all hurts so bad and I can't just move on. I"m coming to see that opening the next door to my life isn't so easy when the existing ones keep closing and many are still just swinging in the breeze.

So maybe this is just normal mourning?...

This whole story is so much different than the fairy tale first half of our story- the one where we met on a dance floor on New Year's Eve and ended up selling all our belongings to travel the country and then the world together.....

[Leed]

Bless your heart. I'm sorry for what's happening. But YES this is normal grieving for the loss of the relationship.

You have to remember tho that the breakup of a marriage isn't ONE person's fault. It takes two. ONE person doesn't breakup a marriage. Both are always to blame, and things do happen. But there's no point in playing the blame game.

You don't mention whether or not the two of you went to marriage counseling. It would have been great if you had -- it might have made a difference, but it looks like it's too late now.

It's NOT too late for YOU to go into counseling. It would be a good idea if you did, to help you get thru this. Even if you went to a grief counselor, it would be a good idea. You can get a hold of a grief counselor thru Hospice. Their counselors are great -- and you don't have to have used their services previously either. Give them a call.

If you want "regular" counseling, call your medical doctor -- he can refer you to a good therapist. He will know who is best for you. And please don't just "pooh-pooh" therapy -- it saved my life once. You sound quite depressed too, and depression is an illness that shouldn't be ignored.

I wish you the very best. God bless and PLEASE take care of YOU. Big hugs, Lee

[Little Lulu]

It sounds like every aspect of your life has been rocked - marriage, job, housing, children, business partner. I hope you can find some support (friends, support group, counselor ... ) as you sort this out. It will be a process and maybe you don't believe it right now, but this, too, shall pass.

[davmid]

Originally Posted by Leed

You don't mention whether or not the two of you went to marriage counseling. It would have been great if you had -- it might have made a difference, but it looks like it's too late now.

Lee,

I think I did give some background and what lead up to our separation in other posts, but I don't know how to find them...

My wife left because over the past several years I became more and more distant while she was trying to hold us together. After the split I really started to try to figure myself out and realized that I'd been suffering from chronic depression that had crept up on me and stole my emotions. She suffered greatly through those years thinking I just didn't care any more- about anything...

We'd go to counseling and I'd see that our relationship was worth doing whatever it took to save and I'd work hard to save it- for a while. Then I'd always slip away and become disconnected and feel unworthy again. Over the last year I had pretty much no emotions and, in the end, just let her walk away. It was only after that I realized I had a real problem and can (hopefully) find treatment.

I've never felt the intense and debilitating (and long lasting) pain that I have over the past months... I have met with a therapist and will also be evaluated by a nurse practicioner next week.

[DayZflower]

I have been going through similar issues. My marriage ended last August. I'm not sad it ended. I'm sad that I don't have somebody with me anymore. Codependency. I was dating a guy last fall, but it wasn't serious. Then in Jan. I met someone & we became serious in March. We just broke up yesterday. He was a player & I didn't want to admit it. The first red flag was when he went to a friends' birthday party & brought his ex-girlfriend/friend of 16 years to the party & I was at his house. He didn't come home til the next morning at 8:30. The night before I found a planner while looking for a notebook. In there was things written down where he was, who was visiting or he was visiting, when he had his son, etc. There was a weekend in April where he had written down on Friday night, Jaclyn (a friend of his from college) and Saturday night, Chandra (a girl he met on POF like me). He lied to me about that weekend. He told me he was visiting a friend of his in a different town. I confronted him the next day. I asked how he felt about me. He said, "we mesh well together." Not I like you, I think you're pretty or beautiful but mesh well together. Which I have to agree we did get along very well. When I asked him about the planner, he said that I had issues with her that's why he didn't tell me. I was more upset with the fact that he lied than the fact that he went to visit her. 2-3 weeks prior to him visiting her, he was with me & a friend of mine at a bar. He texted Chandra where he was, about 6 miles from her town. Why would he do that? Because he was playing me. He told her he was staying at a friends' house for the weekend, not his girlfriends' house. He also never told his ex-girlfriend/friend of 16 years about me. It hurts to know that he was with me only for sex & never told me how he felt. I told him all the time that I liked him. Now, I'm back to square one. Struggling with the self-esteem, depression & loneliness.

[davmid]

Originally Posted by DayZflower

I have been going through similar issues

I'm sorry you've had such a bad experience. Starting over once is hard enough!

I assume you also might want a lawyer if you want to ensure you get enough time with the kids? Hugs to you, what a difficult thing to be going through...trusting people is so hard.

[justmemaybe]

I hope things get better for you. Remember 4 mths is a short time. separation and devorse is equal to someone passing away . As its your marrige that did.

good luck to you

[Rose76]

Hi davmid. I think it's both. You have a lot to mourn. Also, you probably are really depressed. I think you have reason to be.

I know they say that, if you are sad over something that it makes sense to be sad about, then that is not real depression. At least, I think that is kind of how the theory goes. I think real depression exists when the things that you are sad about involve so much of a loss that it feels like more than you can cope with. I think you are that sad.

Your wife is moving on in a direction that she is happy to be going in. You are not. You didn't want any of this. So it is tragic for you. I am very sorry. It doesn't sound like your wife is coming back. I think that is the impression you are getting. I'm sorry. It's too soon to just "move on." You have to grieve.

The most important thing you need is friendship and love. Be as close to your kids as you can. Nurture any other relations that are significant. Also, be open to new people - just as people for now. It's too soon to think of finding a new love.