[Grey Matter]

down. Zoloft withdrawals have began. I feel light headed and disgusting.

up. the girl I went on a date with is still talking to me. I am shocked.

It's the end of the work week for me and I couldn't be happier. It was a pretty rough week at work. There were lots of complaining because of machines breaking down. I really need some time to be alone at home just to recharge. When complaining happens, it seems like I need at least twice the time to be alone and recharge.

A better night at the pool area. No one was there. But it's sad when being alone there is nice because when the people are there, they are not nice. But that's the way it is most of the time. I had worked out after work (which went very well) and then went to the pool area after dinner.

[themonster7]

Down Down Down. Why is this happening to me? All I've ever tried to be was the nicest person possible. I can't take this anymore. I'm seeing a therapist on Monday, but I know it will take so long to fix whatever is wrong in my head. I just want a friend, but I drove them all off.

[herethennow]

failure. failure. failure. that's all that resonates in my mind.

i don't feel like meeting T next week.. i'm just a waste of her time. i just feel like hiding in a corner and not seeing anyone.

the other day at work while doing work i feel this strong urge to cry and so i ran to the toilet and cried and.. i si-ed. sigh.

UPS
Ummm...I'm alive and have another chance to learn and grow
DOWNS
This used to be my wedding anniversary. Now its just another day. She is already looking at him the way she used to look at me and wont admit it. I saw her smile at him...

I am happy that she is apparently happy again.
Time to get on with my life and my search for love in my own life.

[Rachel.i]

I saw a man today, compact build, black, 45- 50ish. He had a wining lotto card of $2, and another one, he thought. He held up the busy line and the cashier gave me a look and motioned for me to move my items beyond his while someone else looked up the lottery info. He apologized profusely for holding up the line when I went around him. He was wrong about the second card, it didn't win. Then he started saying how bad the arthritis in his back was. We left the same time, he held the door open, then asked if I was ok getting to my car (I have a limp from a bad knee). I told him I was and thanked him. I wondered what life did to him to have to almost apologize for being there. But I could relate. I felt bad for him. That was my day, going to the store, and staying home 'cause of my knee and being really bored, while everyone in my immediate family is going to festivals over a three-day weekend. I still feel bad for that man.

[gracez]

i hate my life, i hate myself. this week T said it's a year now, it's time to come out of the depression. how? i haven't been able to change it. played PC arcade games for hours today.

[onionknight]

Phew, I'm pretty tired from getting up before six am for work, but at least I'm doing something that earns money...

[themonster7]

It's almost 4am, way too early to have just woken up for work. I can't stand the hours before the world wakes up. I need a new job. I'll be down until about 8am when the sun comes up.

UPS
Made it thru the day yesterday with my sanity intact (it was my 17th wedding anniversary..but we are separated a year now and no signs of reconciliation)
DOWNS
I am not sure. There seem to be so many. I am filled with regret and remorse for so many many things I have done wrong. Ugh.

[PinesofRome]

Hello all,

I do not think I have posted anything on here for more than a week now; it has been a really hectic week, but actually, lots of activity helps keep the depression and boredom in check, and the story is pretty crazy. After I posted last time on Saturday, July 20th, I was trying to get motivated to work on the paper for my Anthropology class, so I was working on that at the community college on Monday, the 22nd, when the staff at my mom's assisted living home called and said my mom had disappeared. My mom is 82 years old, and for the 16 months my mom had lived there, she had always been trying to go out and wander around, and the staff had always been vigilant about catching and bringing her back home; this time, my mom really did it - she went missing for more than 36 hours! We posted flyers all over the place; about 20 to 30 of the Terraces staff were involved in the search and during the second day, we had more than a hundred Sheriffs and Search & Rescue crew including two trained search dogs and the Sheriff's helicopters involved. Finally, about 8 pm on the second day, things were looking pretty questionable and hopeless when the city police department called and said a lady matching my mom's description hurt her arm trying to get into a house thru a broken window, in a strange neighborhood about two miles south of her assisted living home. I called my sister and told her and then, rushed over to the hospital where the ambulance had taken my mom. Yes, it was her in the Emergency Room, and the doctor stitched up a four inch gash on the outside of her forearm; she is very fortunate that the cut was not on the inside where she might have cut an artery. The hospital moved her to a bed upstairs, and for the past week, she has had a "sitter" in her room to make sure she does not get into any trouble. The last few days, since Wednesday morning, my mom was diagnosed with Full Dementia, and my sister and I have been working on finding a new place for her to live - someplace designed for residents with some form of dementia - where she cannot leave so easily. We are going to move what little furniture and other stuff she will need there to the new place tomorrow, and when her new apartment is ready, we will have her brought from the hospital to her new home. Like I said, it has been quite a week! I also missed my appt with my therapist at the VA Medical Center (I had been waiting about 2 months for that appt) last Tuesday because that was about the time my mom had been missing almost 24 hours of the 36 hours total, and I tried to call to reschedule, but everything was happening at once and my cellphone signal was not consistent enough.

-----
It will be good to get back to my routine; thank you all for listening,

Pines of Rome
-----

Ups & Downs
-----

Up -) Even with a bad scare and a minor injury, my mom is okay.

Up -) Change can be good; hopefully, my mom will like this new place better.

Up -) Without really knowing why, I feel mildly optimistic and in good spirits.

Down -( Still concerned/worried about finishing my paper and Final Exam for my Anthro class.

Down -( Missed my appt with VA Therapist; hopefully no major consequences for that.

[lindammarie]

POR - That is harrowing! I am glad your mother settles in and finds some peace of mind. Saying a prayer for you as you try to get back to "normal".

[lindammarie]

Weekend is coming to an end. I have kept myself fairly strong. I will be talking to my sister later. Hope that goes OK...

[Rachel.i]

(((((PinesofRome)))))

((((POR))))
I remember those days when my mom would disappear and the neighbors would call up and say "your mom just walked past our house" and I would have to go get her.
Stay strong.

UPS
It was a good day...great message at Church, great time with my daughter, hung some art, fixed some food.
DOWNS
Broke. I hate being broke.

[Rose76]

I'm feeling better today than I've felt in a long while. I got a lot done over the past few days.

Good, Rose. That's nice to know. Thanks.

UPS
Its a glorious day and I am headed to the pool about 10am.

DOWNS
Lets not dwell on those...I can't take it right now.

[Nammu]

I got an amazing price on a rental car got so much done and restocked my pantry.

[tigersassy]

In one of those what the ***** is wrong with me moods. Thinking things I shouldn't be thinking that if my therapist wasn't on vacation she'd tell me to go inpatient which I can't do right now. Can't afford it. I really wish that I could just make this better and all of it is stemming from trust issues at work. Isn't that fed up? Should probably call my backup nurse. But I don't want to.

[Rose76]

tiger: Talking to the backup nurse might be a good idea. It might help more than you expect right now.

[lindammarie]

Co-worker is absent AGAIN. It shouldn't bother me that much, but it is pretty aggravating. The thought just makes me tired. I need to quit thinking this stuff...

[Rachel.i]

Originally Posted by lindammarie

Co-worker is absent AGAIN. It shouldn't bother me that much, but it is pretty aggravating. The thought just makes me tired. I need to quit thinking this stuff...

It's pretty hard to not be aggravated, when it increases the work on you, when you've no doubt got enough to do.

[Rachel.i]

Some of my family, especially my narcissist oldest sister, who was given two houses by my parents (I got zip), make fun of my 1150-sq foot ranch house. We bought it all on our own, and it's paid for. We could get a much nicer house, but with the stress of a huge mortgage. And I don't care about having a big fancy house. Time is short, and there are so many more important things. If you've never had to deal with a Narcissist/Psychopath, thank goodness. My oldest sister - ok, I said brother before, in hopes my family wouldn't find my entries here - but I'm starting not to care - controls my family-of-origin. She heaps on abuse atop of abuse (trying to outdo my father ?) Done, so done with my father & my oldest sister's covert/overt abuse. I won't survive otherwise.

[Rachel.i]

I'm a strong person, I had to be to get through what I did. But I'm so tired now. My AD, even an MAO, won't work. Is it wrong to want to throw in the towel. No answers necessary. I'll work it out. I always do. Just so tired.