[rwjimmy]

I have been diagnosed with depression. I do believe I am depressed. I also know that everyone's depression is diffrent. However, part of me believes that depression doesn't fully or appropriately describe my condition.

I feel as if I am insane. Not insane like I talk about nonsense or cant form coherent sentences... I feel insane because my head, to me, is 'empty'. I feel like a fraud. My conversations go like this: 'Hey, hows it going? Good, good. Well, talk to you later.' And that's about it. I feel as if I've discovered who I am, and I hate that person. I feel like I have tricked everyone who cares about me. Look at what I am writing - every sentence begins with 'I feel..'. It just furthur indicates how selfish I truly am. My life has consisted of self pleasure and satisfaction - through drugs, through sex, through entertainment of any kind.

Now I have reached a tipping point. Every day I have one goal - to make it through the day. But for what? To get to the next day and do it all over again. My survival tactics are based on avoidance... of everyone. I am only 'OK' when I am alone. It is only a matter of time until I am figured out by everyone. Some people probably already have.

I am on medication but this, to me isn't a 'mood' problem. I don't believe medication will put thoughts into my head or help. I am tasked with reversing the entire way I have lived my life - but have resigned somewhat to the belief that this task is too hard, too monumental to undertake. Just existing makes me feel like a fraud. I can't represent myself because I hate that person. I'm in a deep hole.

Thanks for reading. I don't know what to expect with this post. I just needed to say those things.

[davmid]

rwjimmy,

Maybe some small lifestyle changes will be helpful. After I spend long periods isolating I feel what you are describing and have come to the conclusion that it's very hard to have a decent conversation if you don't have any experiences to talk about. "what did you do today?" ... "um... nothing." I've been there too many times and close to it now. It's no fun. So, you'll have to find some things to do that don't involve drugs, sex etc. You may not be sure what yourinterests are but it will be rewarding to find out.

[Vossie42]

You don't sound insane at all. Many of us, myself included, have felt we are living a lie, that we don't deserve to breathe air, that we have no worth, that there's nothing for us so why bother. This is where a therapist can really help. Medication can do a lot, but you get the best treatment results when you pair medication with psychotherapy. If you're taking drugs now, you may need extra help replacing drugs with something healthier.

I know what you mean by being overwhelmed with the task of changing your entire life and remaking yourself. I've suffered a lot of losses in the last ten years. Each time, I have had to redefine myself. It was not easy or pleasant and I resented having to do it. I had a hard time growing up. Numerous people important to me did a lot to screw me up. I really resented having to clean up the mess they made of my life and psyche. But no one else is going to do it. I just kept at it, and things have gotten better overall.

It's not too late to change. It will just take awhile. And you have to keep pushing yourself when you really don't want to. That's the hardest part for me. Find a therapist. Find support groups in your area. Post here at PC. If you don't feel the meds are working or the side effects are unbearable, get your doctor to change the meds. There are a lot of meds out there. Something has to work. Likewise, there are many therapists out there. If you don't "click" with one, go see someone else. These things will help you on your journey to discovering who you are and becoming comfortable with your self and your life.

[Pierro]

Did you ever see that film called Groundhog Day, where Bill Murray lives the same day over and over again. That's my life!.

[Bluegerbera1]

This is what I feel too. I was diagnosed with depression over 3 months ago and since then I have felt that all I say is I'm feeling..... I'm not connecting with people but I've started drugs and on the second one - first didnt work at all - I feel a little brighter. I still don't want to see people but its not so dull in my head. I'm hoping that it'll keep getting better and I might someday start to feel things again. I've gone through periods of deep despair but the most distressing is when, like you, I feel nothing at all.
I think we feel nothing as a defence mechanism so we don't have to deal with stuff deep down that's caused the depression to manifest.
Maybe it's an idea for you to look for medication to help then go see a therapist?
Whatever is happening good luck. It's an awful place to be in.

[rwjimmy]

Thanks for the responses. Im grateful for the support. To everyone who knows me, they don't think I'm insane or depressed. I have to put on a mask every day just to get through it. I feel as if every conversation with anyone is forced. I'd rather just be alone doing nothing. But who would choose that for themselves? I've been very lucky in my life and haven't dealt with much hardship... until this. Every moment of everyday I think about how I am an awful person who doesn't deserve to live. Then I just feel so shameful that I've failed my parents and my family. I go to work and just sit at my computer waiting for the day to end. It's a microcausm of my life - its like I'm just waiting for it to end. What kind of life is that? It isnt...

[Vossie42]

I don't think it's unusual to want to be alone doing nothing. I get like that when I feel utterly overwhelmed by every little thing. I don't want to be around people because the comparison I make between myself and others sharply remind me of my inadequacies. Sometimes I do need to be alone just to take a breather and recharge. Other times I force myself to be social and remind myself that my comparisons between myself and other are probably invalid. I don't know what's really going on in other people's lives. They could be hiding things and be feeling just as awful as I do.