[bluedolphin92]

I love my parents and have always been very close to them, but lately I just can't seem to stand being at home with them. They don't know I'm depressed, and some of the things they say and do (Especially my dad) just make me feel worse than I already do.

When I'm home from school for the summer, I spend a lot of time in the evenings alone in my room. That's pretty much what I've always done, even in high school. But my dad gives me so much grief for it these days. He complains about how I don't like him anymore, but then if I DO spend more time downstairs with him he just asks me why I haven't gone up to my room yet. Also, I always come downstairs every few hours just to get something to drink and to say hi, and half the time when I do that he won't even acknowledge my existence at all (Won't respond; won't even look at me even if I stand right next to him.) I just don't know what I can do. It's not even like we'd be spending quality time together, I'd just be watching him play video games or watch TV with him with very little conversation between us. My mom pretty much just goes along with whatever he says and does. It makes me feel awful because I just can't seem to win no matter what I do .

The thing is, I suspect my dad might suffer from depression as well, or at least something similar. It seems like he's always gotten in moods like this from time to time, but since I've started college it seems to happen a lot more often. I just don't know what I can do. I'm really introverted so I NEED the time to myself.

In addition, I want to move further away from home after graduating college. The school I go to right now is about 30-45 minutes away (Though I still live on campus during the school year), and I'd like to get somewhere several hours away. I haven't told my parents about my desire to do that yet. I still have a couple more years until I graduate, so I don't HAVE to tell them just yet, but I don't know how they'll take the news. The other day my mom was talking to me about how she and my dad might move back to the city we lived in before we moved here, which is only about 2-2 1/2 hours away. She started crying and was really upset at the thought of being that far away from me, among other things. I just can't imagine how upset she'd be at the thought of me moving several hours away if the thought of being only two hours away upset her that much...

[allimsaying]

Im sad your dad is having such a hard time showing you his love, you sound very sweet and caring to me. Its smart of you to see the disconnection between you and he to be something going on with him, and not yourself. Depressed people sometimes blame themselves for things its not necessary to, and that causes a lot of the symptoms to exacerbate.

With it being your dad who is having the issue, there isnt going to be much you can do to encourage him to change. Would he sit down in a heart to heart with you where you could explain your feelings and express you'd like to be closer to him emotionally? Or would he think that was silly?

Aside from that, be considerate of your own feelings. It hurts and you feel a disconnection from something you want and need. Your dad is kind of putting you in the place of being the adult by understanding his needs, and you are a legal adult, and he, in return, is affected by some distraction preventing him from giving you all his love. Im not sure if any of its fixable. Depends on his willingness to change for you I think. Hope you feel better and keep writing and posting.

[bluedolphin92]

He doesn't really like to talk about that kind of stuff. It's not so much that he finds it "silly", he's just not a talking kind of guy. I try to tell him that I do love him, I just need time to myself. He just kind of shrugs it off though.

He's not always like that, though. Other times he'll be just fine and will seem to completely understand my need to be by myself.

[bharani1008]

Your dad seems to have put you between a rock and a hard place. That's got to be disconcerting for you. At least you have been able to get a little perspective on your own about his possible condition. That's really smart of you. There are sources on this site that can give you some guidelines as to ways you might approach your dad so he can see he has a problem and can get help. If he cannot acknowledge he has a problem then there is nothing you can do. Don't feel guilty. It's nothing you did wrong.
I sometimes think that the moment a person becomes a parent some form of emotional DNA takes over to make them capable of creating guilt in their child. You don't have to be a Jewish Mother.
I know how badly I felt when I had to go against may father's wishes but sometimes you just have to. Now I know more about my father and I know that I needed to get distance from him. it's like you said, though, you won't even be that far away!
Do what you need to do. Love them and let them know you love them but gently do what you need to do.

[winter4me]

Both parents, in their own way, seem to be having difficulty "letting go" as you become a young adult. If you feel you can, (I did this once when I was young and it worked well, don't know why I didn't do it more often) you might want to write a letter to dad about how you are feeling; another to mom (she sounds very attached)-----this can be useful because it gives the other person time to think before they react/respond---and they can talk to each other if they want to. Just an idea. In time, it will likely work out. You need to go where you need to go in life, it isn't easy sometimes when a kid grows up and begins to become truly separate from the parents...(it does sound like your dad has depressive symptoms...) You sound reasonable and caring, I think you will be fine----this is a time of major changes for all of you (even though it happens everyday everywhere...)

[Sadley]

I know how it feels, my parents made me very depressed. I'm 23 years old, my dad died 3 and a half years ago. Never cried so hard in my life. Before he died, he got real depressed. I'd always go in my room and isolate myself from him because I had a horrible relationship with him, but everything just got worse and worse, so I know how it feels. You don't want to talk to your parents, but then at the same time you need to... I really dislike my parents, but I can't do nothing about it. I would suggest that you get your own life, and be your own person as soon as possible and as much as possible.

[bluedolphin92]

Thanks for the responses, everyone. My dad's been in a better mood lately so he hasn't been wearing me down quite as much. It's still tough, though. I guess that the fact that I didn't have much of a social life in high school and spent a lot of time at home just makes it especially hard on my parents to think about how I'll be moving away for good at some point in the near future =/ Hopefully they'll eventually learn to accept it in their own ways...

[winter4me]

they will, in their own way...and that is OK.