Still struggling. Dad. sorry this turned into a rant

Been on new Meds for over a week. No change. If anything I'm feeling more down than usual. Had awful headaches for a couple of days but head is ok now.

My mind is racing again. It doesn't take much to trigger but I had a bad experience at the end of last week that I can't shake.

My dad is a unique man. Too hard to describe but he's always been there for me and no matter what whacky stuff he says and does, we all know he has a heart of gold when it comes to the family. Last Thursday night I get a text saying 'want to meet up with you'. Very brusque and to the point. I was going over the next day anyway. My OH thought he'd just be wanting to 'fix me' as he has been since this depression started.
So I went over and my dad wants to know what is worrying me. I tell him that I'm not worried about anything but he says he doesn't believe me.

Is it money? I've had problems in the past but ok now so I say no it's not.
Is it Fin? My OH - no he's lovely and supportive and all ok
And the the kicker:
Have you had an affair with a pupil? (Im a teacher and been off work for 3 months) What?....
I've not had the best track record when it comes to relationships. I've done some bad things (affairs) but I thought he knew that that was the old me. I've been with my OH for 3 years, I've told them about my regrets over past stuff that ive done. But my dad thinks I'm capable of having an affair with a child in my care? Am I really that horrible a person and that's what my family think of me?
I dont know what to think. I know I've been a horrible person before. I've done some awful things to people in the name of love. But I've never intentionally hurt anyone. I've often done stupid hurtful things without thinking through the consequences but am I so awful that I am capable of something as terrible as that?
I'm really low just now. I keep thinking of all the people I have hurt in the past and that I deserve to feel the way I do. I don't deserve to have the amazing family I have now. My Oh and our kids are truly wonderful and I couldn't ask for better, no one could. We have 4 teenagers living at home who are all amazing people and I don't deserve that. If they all knew what I had been like before they would all hate me.
What do I do to make it all go away? I don't see a way to make this work. How can I justify the life I have now when I've been such a horrible person in the past?

Could you change your perception of 'who you've been in the past' any? Could you change your view of your past self to see all you've been through and see it instead with compassion about all you've struggled through to get to the place you are now? Can you honor your experiences and yourself enough to say "I am a survivor"? Its not a vainly prideful feeling but it involves feeling strong and good because you've overcome some tough obstacles and you came through it with a positive attitude, loving your family and caring for others. I think it would be good for you to stand up and be strong. It would be good for your family also. You're part of your dad and he was a part of his. Your whole family line is a line of survivors. I wouldnt become vain, but its something to feel strong about.

Dad loves you. In his way, he's showing his love. Maybe it seems a little quirky to some, but has he hurt you? He's being himself, something I think he would want you to be. Best of luck and Gods good grace be with you.

Hi, It might be a good idea to see your pdoc or at least your physician. Your dad is just trying to keep you safe hes is worried about you. You can't change the past but you can learn from it. It sounds like you have been through a lot and come out good the other end. You need to take things into your hands, you said that you can't shake what happened last week, so you need to sort yourself out. Best wishes.

Thanks pierro and allimsaying. Your kind words mean a lot. I'm seeing my therapist next week for the first time and I guess I have a lot to work through.
I know I'm a better person now but I can't shake the guilt of the past and I need help with that to move on. I really do count myself blessed with all of my family, mad Dad included. I know he meant well but it hurt all the same. I just wish I could have been better for him in the past but if he's still there for me I can't be all bad.
Feeling a little better this afternoon and your comment really help.