[Antiself]

Coincidentally, one of the main [symptoms] I've developed is the inability to figure out where to start...I've become a victim of inaction because I can't seem to figure out a direction to take my first step.
I used to write really well, now I feel like my written communication is just as bad as my verbal. For example, I feel unconfident that the sentence before that last one is worded properly...
What else? I've had it in my head, since about ten years old , that no one liked me. At no surprise, my whole life has consisted of being cast aside, ultimately causing me to feel expendable...
However, I do have a theory that I might have played a part in that, considering it happened way too much to be just a coincidence..a while back, I realized that my inability to let people feel like they had any control over my emotional state, caused me to make people feel unwanted...that could be the reason I lost so many of the people I never even felt I had. I think it's because subconsciously I'd push people away, somehow, not consciously wanting them to go...but maybe my defense mechanism against abandonment...if I never feel like I'm close enough to anyone to trust them, then they can't technically abandon me...
however, that didn't prevent me from feeling like I was abandoned over and over.

These past two years have been the spiral into who I've become. I kicked myself out of my house two years ago after feeling like the trust was broken in the one person I always could rely on to love me-my dad.
He raised me as a codependent with him, definitely....losing him as my rock started my fall to rock bottom.
we've just gotten worse, his interaction with me breaks my heart almost every time. I've tried to plead for him to work things out with me..but I feel all he did was try to push me further away. This kills me.
Last year I finally decided I was going to kill myself but then let someone I just met talk me out of it. Since I felt I had nothing to lose, he was the first person I let myself face my fears of abandonment for, in hopes I could change the pattern. I let myself be happy with him, and didn't pull away when I was afraid of my feelings intensifying...
unfortunately, my interaction with him took a toll on me...he broke my heart after I moved in with him, and if it wasn't bad enough I had given up killing myself because of him convincing me he cared, as well as being the first person I faced my biggest fear for...I continued to live there for a month and a half, waiting for him to tell me if he cared or not, and what changed his mind, etc...I lost 15 pounds in a month because of all the anxiety I felt because he wouldn't open up to me...I ended up leaving without a word to him a few days after he told me he's never been more depressed since meeting me. (Now, I realize it was his response of defense, I won't go into it)

I never got over that..it haunts me to this day. And since december I've tried not very aggressively to get him to talk to me, but he's adamant about avoiding me and has made it clear that he hates me...except for the ambiguity of his nonverbal actions..

okay, basically I've written way too much already. I experienced a few traumatic events after leaving his house and being homeless pretty consistently for the past year. I foolishly got involved with this couple who tried to take advantage of me, by using me to make money through webcam modeling, treated me like i was their inferior and ended up borderline holding me hostage, then my good friend attempted to rape me, then assaulted me two days later...a week later my mother flew me out to live with her and then not even a week later put all my stuff in the car while I was in it and started driving...to abandon me at the bus station, but not before she told me no wonder I have no friends, I'm a horrible person, I deserved to get assaulted, even my dad loves his wife (not her) more than he loves me, and to kill myself in front of her because she wouldn't care anymore...all because she wanted money for drugs...
then once I got back, I made sure I had a place to live, and I guess it was insidious, but I began isolating myself more and more, ignoring my phone without realizing it, stopped having a desire to meet people, stopped making an effort with friends(well more than I had been since before I was planning to commit suicide) and lost my passion and feelings of satisfaction for creating..and that's the part that kills me...and no, for some reason I do not want to kill myself anymore, even though I cannot name one thing I live for. I feel like I've detached so much from everyone cause not only do I feel like people don't like me, but it's safer to be alone....and I've always been the type of person who is terrified of being alone.

I hope I didn't ruin my chances of getting a response by making this way too long,...if you do read this, it means more to me than you know. I feel so stuck and it scares me that I have no idea how to even begin to improve my life...if I've realized I will forfeit any future happiness just to avoid the pain of inevitable loss....I don't want to live this way...

[allimsaying]

You've experienced a pretty painful series of events. It sounds like you have a pretty good insight into how your own thoughts may have contributed to your current condition but I would caution you not to go too far overboard in blaming yourself. Accepting what youve done is one thing, beating yourself to a pulp over it is something else.

If your description is accurate, and I believe it mostly is, you havent tried to blame everyone else, and accept that you pushed those who tried to help you away, then it sounds to me like you've come to a place in your life where you are ready to face up to yourself and want to make improvements.

Ive done my share of pushing others away. It was, for me, a sort of defense mechanism. Like you said, if I didnt let them too close, they couldnt hurt me. I think what I realized eventually, and what you're realizing now, is that a certain amount of suffering was coming my way for my not processing my original feelings in a healthy way, and all I really accomplished was delaying and intensifying the inevitable with avoiding closeness and honesty with others. The one person you believed you could trust for real help was hardly in a place himself to help you.

As for the other 'friends' who used and took advantage of you, you need to recognize that they werent friends at all. Your mom sounds like she has some of her own issues as well.

Its hard when we feel like the lonely sailor on a sea of storms and killer whales. But you're not alone. You have us here who have experienced a lot of the feelings you are feeling. People who understand and know how hard it is. PC can be like the family you wished you had.

What are your options for getting into therapy? Are you able to pick up some good self help literature at the library? Is there a specific thing you think you need the most help with right away? There are 1000's of articles at PC, Im sure one of them will address your current feelings. If you're not certain how to use the search feature here, let one of us know what it is you need more info about and we'll be glad to see if we can find some articles for you.

Best of luck and welcome to PC!

[Rohag]

Hello, Antiself! Welcome back to posting!

Originally Posted by Antiself

...for some reason I do not want to kill myself anymore, even though I cannot name one thing I live for.

That's something, despite going through so much in the past two years.

What are your living conditions now?

[bharani1008]

It's really sad to read your story. You expressed yourself very well.
If you can get some help through your church or community please do it. Depression usually needs some kind of treatment to be manageable.
Perhaps the first thing you should try to do is secure your physical situation. You need to try to find safe shelter and get some training so you can be independent and not have to be victim to random people. If you need some temporary welfare then try to get it. You can pay back the community when you get strong again. You will be in a position to help others because of your experience.
We can't always control how people feel about us. It can help if you are cautious and go slowly into a friendship. It sounds like you are in a vulnerable position right now. You need to be careful of the people you let close to you. Watch for a while and see how they treat other people.
I'm just sorry that you are suffering. You are welcome here and here you will be safe.

((((AS)))) The title of your post is totally me. And your post was so moving and you expressed your feelings, thoughts, experiences very well. I agree with other members in that it is impt to find a safe place and also I am grateful you are here. You are not alone. please check in when you have a sec and let us know how you are doing. You have been through so much .... glad you are reaching out. We are here