[mocha123]

Hello all,

I've spent a great deal of time going over things in my life and tried to remove the negative and I've come to a conclusion.

I've been losing weight for some time now and after being away for 2 weeks I come home and the first thing my mother says to me is " oh no, Your boobies are shrinking" Smirks and walks off. Of course this is something anyone with self confidence issues does not want to here. I'm an e cup so it's not a huge deal. But even so she's said it a few times now as well has said I don't look like i'm losing it anywhere else ect.

Anyway this lead to me thinking why would my mother say something so rude to her own daughter. Then I remembered when I started my diet she sold my bike and hid my weights. She's been eating my replacement meals without actually dieting correctly (Which she really needs to) and constantly giving me put downs. After consulting my BF he came to the conclusion my mother is jealous of me and always has been.

Out of all my siblings my mother always treated me oddly. I was the only one not to have an after school activity. Despite wanting to have done a large number of things. She'd always call me a solid girl and say comments like well we can't all be models. Or I can always get a nose job when i'm 18. What kid wants to hear that from their mother? God I remember having been 16 and I was fit and healthy.. I weighed around 120lbs.. we went to see an old friend Bev, and when she saw me she instantly said Wow you've lost all your baby pudge. You look soo good... and my mother started laughing and told her Oh no she hasn't and continued laughing...Needless to say Bev just gave her a disgusted look. Would explain why they're no longer friends. Matter of fact..she doesn't have any friends...o.o

Then there was the big one....when I was 10years old, I use to stay after school and play the piano in the music room. My school music teacher let me attend the year7 pitch test. Later that week I was invited into the music room where my teacher told my mother and I, it seems I have a musical talent, I scored 98% on a pitch test and had already taught myself to play a number of songs.. she told my mother to consider enrolling me in a music school or after school classes. Instead...My mother enrolled my brother who had no interest in music.. into a music school, claiming it would be good for him to learn something new...She even spent over $500 on a violin for him (he quit within 2 months claiming she was trying to turn him queer)... at that age I really didn't understand what was going on. My dad who was working 2 jobs full time found out and bought me a small cheap old second hand keyboard. My mother was outraged and told him he was to take it back that it's not fair I get something and my other siblings did not. She ended up selling it. This was heart breaking for me. She gave me the excuse we didn't have the money for it.

A few years later I took matters into my own hands and applied for a high school that specialized in music. My dad was pleased when I was accepted. My mother however demanded I go to a normal school claiming music was a waste of time and it would lead to nothing. I went to a normal high school up until I turned 15 which I could get a job at 16. I chose different school, I paid my own fees.

What I don't understand is why my mother did this to me. My whole life I was good to her. I tried so hard to do everything right. I was an honour student. I never got in trouble. I received the dux award in my last 2 years. I even paid for everything myself.

My dad hates her now. He hates all women. He is one of the most sexist people I have ever met and I can't even stand being in a room with him. They're not really together anymore.. They live in the same house. Different rooms.

I still talk to my parents, I stay in a room every so often.. but I don't feel like I have a family. I've never really had a family. Probably why I feel so alone. Why I try to help people I don't know. Why i'm constantly used. I've grown up without truly respecting myself or having any real confidence.

Which brings me to my next question. Should I sever all ties with my family? Part of me feels that I need to in order to heal. Having gone over all these things I just realised how messed up my childhood was. I'd NEVER do what my mother did to me to any of my kids. It's just plain wrong.

I just don't understand why she did that.. She's not as bad now in her late 60s...since I only see her a few days a fortnight... Sometimes I think she's trying to suck up to me because the other siblings left the state to get away from her, they won't even give her their numbers...except 1 brother who lives with her and constantly abuses her... Which makes me wonder why she doesn't just move out.

She has good days and bad...There's days when she wants to do things with me...she usually seems sad.. then their are days when she puts me down out of the blue.

I seriously have no idea what to do. Eughhh...

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((Mocha))))

I wanted you to know that you are not alone and that I understand how you feel. I am sorry you have had to go through that, just know that it was never your fault and that just because she said those things and did those things, did not make them true. I do not talk a lot about what my parents have said, but I went through a lot of emotional abuse too. It has really made me pull away and have no confidence in myself. It is really hard for me to talk about things, but I can feel how this made you feel and somewhere this is stirring up a lot within me.

I am glad your dad was supportive, even though your mother made that hard for him. I am glad that you were able to go to the school you wanted to go to, and I am sorry your mother made it really difficult. Just know that it was not you. I cannot tell you why your mother did those things or said those things, but I can tell you that my heart goes out to you.

I understand feeling like you do not have a family. I felt like I never did or that I belonged anywhere. I too have felt very alone there and still do often, and even though I have one now, it is hard for me to feel like I belong or even have a right to. I know and understand the question of why did she (he, they) do that to me. Truth is we may never know that answer, but as time goes on you can begin to put the pieces together again, and make the life you want to have, you deserve to have, and the way you want it. It takes time and allowing yourself to talk about your feelings, about how it made you feel, and taking little steps to change it to what you believe and know in your heart.

I am glad you reached out here. Just know that you are not alone and you are being heard. You did not deserve that and I am sorry you had to go through it. Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts.

dps

[growlithing]

Wow. First off, I'm a musician and I go to a music school and I can totally understand how damaging it is to have your mom call music a waste of time. My mom does that to me all the time and it's awful. I'm lucky in that even though she thinks it's a waste of time, she still pays my tuition because I suppose she considers the school prestigious enough that she can rub it in her co-worker's faces.

As for cutting off all ties with your family, why not? Really, if she is still a negative force in your life and you need time to heal, cutting off all ties indefinitely would probably be very beneficial. In a perfect world, I really want to never speak to my parents again after I am financially secure. My mom can't seem to ever stop emotionally abusing me even after I told her to back off.

I guess the only real advise I can give you is to never stop playing. I don't know if you are doing music now or not, but having a passion for music seriously helped me develop an identity, a sense of purpose, and a sense of value.

[EDIT] I reread your post and your mom kinda sounds like a mother with narcissistic personality disorder. I'm not a psychologist, but maybe you should google narcissistic parents and read about it. I dunno, if it sounds familiar it might give you some answers to why she mistreated you. Doesn't excuse it though.

[bharani1008]

It really wasn't fair or correct what your mom did to you. Your bf may have hit the nail on the head saying that she is jealous. Sounds about right to me. Regardless of the reasons--- there just aren't any good ones. You sound like a great person -- brave and strong. I hope you see that.
When you are never allowed to feel part of the family it makes it hard to understand how it feels to fit in anywhere. Your mother gave you such negative feedback from the time you were little that it's amazing how well adjusted you seem.
If you aren't seeing a professional you may want to do so. I've never been in therapy myself because it isn't available where I live but people here say it really helps. I would hope that a therapist could show you how healthy relationships work and guide you to seeing things clearly.
You sound like you do understand that you are not responsible for the way you were and are treated. I think that's an amazing step to have made on your own. With insight like that I'm sure you have the inner tools to grow and learn to live a healthy life.
If you don't want to break away completely from your family maybe it would be good to stay away for a year or so till you are in a position to withstand your mom's ugliness without pain.
You sound like a really wonderful person and I'm confident that you can build a good life for yourself. Anyone in your position would need some help sorting out your feelings so try to find a counselor or therapist to talk to.
Good luck and keep posting here. We will give you as much support as we can.

Mocha, your mother was a child emotionally suffering from depression, negativity, and
abusive tendencies probably garnered from her own mother. I agree with those who
tell you to go on with your own life and live it with things and people who are positive
and healthy.

You could keep a somewhat distant relationship with her on special occasions, but
it's in your best interest to seek your friends from among those in life who are
kind, gentle, healthy folks.

It's always a tragedy when this happens, but it's really up to us to make lemonade
when we are given lemons. You are very capable of doing that, and I hope you will
and wish you much success and happiness along the way.