[dogzrule]

Earlier this year, I attempted suicide. I am thankful every day that I was unsuccessful. I had to spend 5 days in the hospital (both regular hospital and mental inpatient facility). I was so, so thankful for my time there and that I was granted a second chance to live.

I found out yesterday that one of my friends committed suicide. I saw him less than two weeks ago. I didn't know him that well, but my boyfriend grew up with him, his family, and his other friends. I feel dreadful. I have an overwhelming sense of guilt. It's not fair that I got a second chance and he didn't. He was such a great person - truly great person. I am so sad that I didn't get to know him very well because I think I would have if I had the chance. I hope I can be there for my boyfriend and his friends. I feel so awful about this, so I can't even imagine how they feel.

Last night I had a dream that I ran into my exboyfriend and he was with a new girl, who shared my same name (though she looked different). I had to recount my entire story leading up to my own suicide attempt (which included his physical and verbal abuse) in an attempt to convince the other girl to leave him. My dream was extremely vivid, I can remember every detail.

I feel just awful. I'm expecting to wake up tomorrow (as I hoped to today) to find out it is all a joke. How could I have just been with him less than two weeks ago? And he seemed so happy. Which I know is easily faked because I've done it myself.

I just feel awful and there aren't really words to express it.

[kaliope]

the suicide of someone we know is really hard to cope with. i understand the guilt you are feeling. i have been very suicidal all my life and recently have come to appreciate life as you have. i had a friend i was trying to reach to let her know the joy i had found as we talked a lot about wanting to die. it was too late. i found out that she had killed herself. i felt terrible that i didnt get to her in time, here when i was feeling so good about life. now i know i probably could not have saved her. each person needs to find their own path. a few of us are lucky. i am glad you have found your way.

[dogzrule]

I'm glad I survived...but not only am I having to deal with this, but I can't help that feel that I am looking at this as "what if it were me?". What I am feeling now and my boyfriend and friends are feeling is what my friends and family would have had to feel if I had been successful. The thought of that is almost as painful as the reality of the situation at hand.

[Knotreel]

I can only imagine how awful this level of surviver's guilt must feel. Just remember that your attempt has absolutely nothing to do with someone else's, and that you never did anything to warrant your death over that of another. I remember my second attempt, and how guilty I felt once I attended an older family member's funeral after she lost a battle with cancer. When I saw my own family mourning at that hole in the ground, I realized that if I had been successful then they would have cried over my grave with even more intensity because of how much more senseless my death would have been. Just think about the fact that your loved ones are probably relieved that at least you survived, and that if you ask them yourself then that's exactly what they would say. And if they don't feel that way, that's not your fault either.