[DayByDay247]

I'm not really sure how to start writing this. I feel like there's too much for me to type. Now I am not the sort of person to seek out any sort of attention or have anyone feel bad for me. This is the main reason I haven't tried to seek any sort of help or really talk to anyone. I'm too afraid people will judge me or immediately mark me as an attention seeker.

I guess my entire life (I am 20 years old) I've always felt a sort of emptiness. Like, I always thought other people just had something I didn't. I wasn't really abused as a child or anything that serious, granted I didn't have the perfect family growing up. My mom was 18 when she married my dad and still in college when she had me and my older brother. I remember going to her classes with her when I was a kid.

Anyway, she rushed into a marriage with my alcoholic father and had a total of four kids. I remember them fighting a lot when I was little but it never particularly bothered me. They have separated three times throughout my life and finally the third time was for good when my mom cheated on my dad about a year ago. Since then my dad has gone crazy with drinking and sleeping with prostitutes and God knows what else. I haven't talked to him in several months.

Now you may be quick to assume that this is the reason I'm upset but I assure you its not. I could actually care less about my parents relationship and what they're doing with their lives. This, you see, is the real reason I'm concerned. I feel like any other human being would be a wreck watching his family fall apart. It doesn't even stop at my parents. I don't feel confident in saying that I love anyone in my family or any of my friends, not even my siblings. I've actually had a girlfriend for over a year who I lie to every day when I tell her I love her.

Periodically I cut myself when I know that I can hide it until it heals. I don't tell anyone and I absolutely hate talking about it. Its very hard for me to type it right now. I'm pretty bad at opening up to people but I guess its easier when its on a keyboard. I've been to a psychologist twice per request of my mom but I didn't say much of anything important.

There's a lot more to tell but I've already written a short story. I guess I just want to know if there's anything wrong with me, and how can I fix it? I want to feel love but I just don't. Sometimes I feel so alone and depressed. Maybe there is some sort of medication? I really scare myself...

[bharani1008]

Hello DaybyDay and welcome to PC. The emotional numbness you describe can be a symptom of depression. I think it's a kind of defense mechanism that we use when we feel overwhelmed by emotions. If that happens over time then it can get to be an emotional habit. I hope that makes sense. If you can get in control of the depression I believe that the feelings you hide will naturally come back. Even though you feel like you haven't suffered abuse you still were subjected to a lot of ugliness and that can wound also. The kind of fighting you describe can create intense insecurity which is another reason you keep your emotions at bay.
I think you should see a dr or counselor for help. You may need medication or maybe you need someone to talk to , or both. If you read the entries on these forums you will see that so many people have experienced the same feelings and self doubt. There are so many weird symptoms of depression. Some you would never suspect. That's why it's best to see a professional who is aware of all the ramifications of this disease. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
You will find wonderful , kind people on this site who will help you get some kind of hold on things.
I hope you feel better soon.

[avlady]

Day by Day 247 Welccome!!! I say listen to bharani1008, and see a doc and T. You may need medication, you'll feel much better with them. I've been on meds for over 20 yeaars and I am so happy I am on them as they help so much, and I fought it the whole way, but now as i look back I'm happy my family got me the help I needed, that was 20 years ago.

[DayByDay247]

Thank you for your replies. I have considered what you said before, that maybe I have emotions that I'm just keeping hidden. But I've tried so hard to dig them out that I sort of gave up and started looking for other answers. I was scared for a while that I might be a sociopath, but I decided that I wasn't because I do feel guilt and I don't like to hurt people.

My dad was prescribed antidepressants a few years back and I have heard it can be genetic. I have mental disorders on both sides of my family.

Sometimes I go past feeling numb and I genuinely hate people that are causing me no harm. When I was in highschool I was pretty popular and good looking. I didn't get picked so its nothing like that. But sometimes I just hated the people there so much that I would sit in class imagining myself beating them to a pulp. I went to a public school and many of the students there were ghetto and overall terrible people, but I feel like my violent hate towards them was unnatural.

I guess I'm just trying to ask if maybe this is something besides depression? I've been this way my whole life and this is the first time I've ever tried talking about it. I tend to be very unreasonable in relationships and even though I know that I'm being that way, I just can't stop myself from feeling what I feel. It only takes one small thing to throw me off and ruin my entire day.

[bharani1008]

You could possibly have other mental conditions as well as depression. I've noticed that lots of people have multiple problems. You really need someone knowledgeable to diagnose you. I'm not familiar with what you describe as depression but there are so many unexpected symptoms that it could be.
It's possible that you can find other conditions apply to you on other forums. There is a forum for most mental conditions represented here.
I hope you find answers.

[Jacki~]

Listen to bharani1008. There may be many layers of joy beneath the person you hide. I too hope you find answers.