[holdingonhope]

I have been told by several people that I needed to stop stalling and post in here. I guess I'm finally giving into peer pressure. Talking about it brings it all up...all that hurt and frustration. That makes it reality not that trying to hide it is working so well. I'm a psychologist for crying out loud...I should know how to pull myself out of this. Apparently helping others is much easier than helping yourself.

I have been battling depression for about 12 years now. Sometimes it's almost gone...other times like now it takes over. I'm just tired...so tired. Exhausted beyond all comprehension. My husband told me a couple weeks ago that I never smile anymore. My reply was I've had no reason to smile anymore.

I think I remember that. The woman who danced in the kitchen with her kids and laughed all the time. I vaguely remember happiness.

For those of you who haven't talked to me elsewhere I am the survivor of a horrific domestic abuse situation. I am the mother of a 12 year old girl with depression, bipolar 2, and repressed rage. I am the wife of a man with ultradian bipolar 2, ocd, and some sort of explosive rage issues yet to be determined. He is currently unmedicated due to lack of funds to get him to the psychiatrist.

I am tired all the time. I just want to sleep. I don't eat...I don't sleep. I am angry and explosive then I am crying uncontrollably for absolutely no reason. I feel like I am losing my mind.

[gayleggg]

You have a lot of pressure and worries, no doubt, with a husband and a child with psych issues. I think you already know you need to see a psychiatrist for possible medication for your depression. But I saw that your husband is also unmedicated due to financial issues. So I assume you will have the same issue. it is not easy to deal with depression without medication, even though many manage. I am, also, currently off meds due to a conflict with a current medical condition. I, too, just want to sleep all the time and am irratable most of the time. I manage to work but just barely. I hope that my blood clot is gone, they are going to test it today. Then I can go back on medication, however, due to not having insurance I'm limited to generic and of course the psychiatrist always wants to try the new stuff. Pardon my rambling. I feel for you and understand how hard it is to deal with depression. I hope posting on PC helps. Sometimes just writing things out make them clearer. Good luck,
Gayle

[Rohag]

Welcome, Holdingonhope. Wow. If you weren't already a psychologist, circumstances would force you to become one.

Based on your history, about how long do your depressive lows last?

[online user]

Thanks for sharing your story. You seem in a very difficult situation. Can you do some regular exercise to help with the depression you are experiencing?

[holdingonhope]

gayle ~ I am on medication. Bupropion HCL. My doctor just upped it from 150 mg to 300 mg. Clearly she understands my issues. I have a fantastic doctor. I have insurance through my job but my husband doesn't yet. Our marriage is recent; July 13th. We are waiting until next week to add him to my insurance as I am graduating Sunday and will get a rather large promotion at work and we will be able to afford to include him and our children on my insurance.

I hope that you received good news about your test. I do understand how hard it is to battle any kind of emotional distress without the option of medication if needed. I hope that you are able to start again soon.

I also find that writing helps. It's very cleansing just to get all of that out.

Rohag ~ It really depends on the circumstances. I am normally able to mentally get myself out of it but this time it just isn't working. I've been severely depressed for about a month now maybe a little longer. I hadn't been on medication in years and years but I knew the signs and went to my doctor immediately. I don't know why I can't get out of this slump. I feel like life is a battering ram and I'm the castle keep door. It just doesn't stop.

That isn't true actually. I am being drained. I go to school full time. My husband and my daughter take so much out of me. My work is the same as my home life so I get no escape. I am in the process of terminating my ex-husbands rights to my girls and it is going to be a long and vicious fight. I have too many people depending on me for answers and support but I have very little for myself. I just need a break. Mostly what I find myself thinking is that I don't want to live my life anymore. Not in a suicidal way; I have never gone to that level of depression thank God but just in an escape kind of way. I want out of being me. Not for forever. I love my work and I love my family. I just want someone else to take over so I can shut down for awhile.

online user ~ Exercise is a good suggestion. I run every night with my dog. It's my "me" time. The town is quiet and the world just seems to stop. It's the only time of peace I seem to get these days.

[holdingonhope]

It just keeps coming! My husband got arrested last night. As if I don't have enough on my plate. Totaled our truck. He's fine but he's in jail. Have court tomorrow at 8:30am to set bond. Hopefully I can get him out. Even though he is a trail on his best day; I can't stand it when he isn't home. I have to spend the money we got to catch up our mortgage on getting him out and getting my truck out of impound tomorrow. I just can't get ahead!