[lucky2001]

I'm sorry i don't deserve to post or ask for help but i'm really struggling. I've had depression for a long time. Some days i feel ok but these days i'm really struggling. I have a T and a p-doc but i'm on meds for only psychosis as my p-doc seems to think my main issue is psychosis. The thing is that i'm thinking of dying a lot these days - well about a couple of months really. I have overdosed a couple of times in the past couple of months. I just couldn't tell anyone. I just don't want to be sent to hospital again. I'm scared of what i might do so i moved in with my parents at the beginning of the summer. But i didn't tell them about the suicidal thoughts. My p-doc knows about the overdoses but she thinks it's another way for me to self injure and she doesn't know about the suicidal thoughts. She told me to call her at times like these but i never know what to say to her if i called. And i feel like it's time to move back to my own place but i'm scared i might make "a more serious attempt" cause up until now, i kind of stopped myself from making a serious attempt cause i live with my parents and i don't want them to know. I don't know what to do. I don't want to live like this anymore. But i feel like i'm stuck! I guess i'm just looking for some advice. Sorry i didn't mean to write such a long post.

[Sam2]

What you don't deserve is to be feeling the way you do. I can understand why you might find calling your therapist might be awkward, but if you are having suicidal thoughts, you need to tell someone. If calling your therapist is too personal, try one of the suicide hotlines. They won't know who you are, and you will be free to say what you want without fear of having to face the person later.

It sounds like you might be safer staying at your parents house right now then being alone in an apartment. Is there a reason why you haven't told your parents about the way you feel? I know it can be difficult, but sometimes just the act of telling them slows down the urges. Besides, if they know, they can be there for you. They have probably already noticed there is something wrong, but may be feeling like they are butting in by asking you about it.

Because our minds can change so quickly, you should take any thoughts of suicide seriously. Even if you think your attempts didn't do any serious damage, it doesn't take much to tip you over the edge. One of my most serious brushes with death by suicide happened in a matter of a couple of minutes. I didn't plan it and wasn't consciously thinking about it at that moment, but the end results have left me with an irregular heart beat for life.

Be honest with your therapist and Dr. They can't help you effectively if you aren't. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Mental illness is no different than physical illness except that its less tangible.

Sam2

[gayleggg]

Hi, Lucky2001. I agree with everything Sam2 said. You are hurting and needing help. Your Dr. and therapist are there to help you, please call someone before you take another overdose.
Gayle

[online user]

Both you therapist and your pdoc will help you with this, if you let them know. Could be other meds that would make a dramatic difference in how you feel.

Do talk to them, or print out a copy of what you wrote to us to take to them to read. And remember, too, we're always here to listen and we're pulling for you!

[lucky2001]

Thank you. I know i should tell my T about this but when i go there, i just shut down. I literally don't say anything other than yes and no :/ i even wrote everything down to give it to her but the anxiety was so bad that i just couldn't. But honestly, i'm scared because i know the overdoses can leave me with some kind of damage but at the same time, thinking about when i can overdose calms me down and at those times, i only think about how i can do it ( the reason i haven't told my parents is that i don't want to go back to hospital.the only time thy found out i had overdosed, they (and my p-doc) forced me to stay at the hospital for a month. And after that, they were so controlling - checking if i had taken my meds, checking if there are any meds i can overdose on, etc. i'm seeing my p-doc in about 2 weeks and i will really try telling her about the suicidal thoughts and the overdoses. But i don't even know if she can do anything to help me. I feel like i'm beyond help at this point (

[online user]

Good for you, that you wrote things down. Can you call you T & read it to her or mail it? Sounds like you really need some help soon. Why is it you don't want to go to the hospital? Seems like that moighy be a good, safe place for you now.

Do look up the suicide hotline numbers and call them if you hit an expecially bad patch.