[Whyme2229]

I go to sleep every night praying I don't wake up. When I wake I think of ways to kill myself. I've tried to commit suicide in 2010. I have 3 kids and have been married 10 yrs. Im not happy and haven't been for a long time. My kids and husband deserve a whole lot better than me. We live in a very small 2 bedroom apartment. Money has always been tight, but this is the worst its ever been for us. My husband works hard with little reward. I can't work due to childcare issues. Im a failure. Im 30 years old and haven't accomplished nothing. I tried college but quit twice. Everything I've tried to do I've quit. It's a lot easier saying what I want to do and really doing it. I don't try anymore. I've given up because every time I try I fail anyway. I've had jobs that I had to soon quit because of childcare issues. I hate being a mother. My 2 boys act like animals with me. As soon as I clean up they tear up. Im tired of life!! My daughter who is the oldest looks so sad and it's all my fault. I should've never had kids.

[online user]

Do you have a therapist to help you cope with things? That might help. If you have insurance, that should largely cover the cost. If not, perhaps you can find a sliding scale clinic.

Try taking things a day at a time. See if your hubby will watch the kids for you for an hour after dinner--use that time for yourself. Take a shower, wash your hair, go for a walk. Do your nails. Anything for YOU, to make you feel like you've had a moment to yourself, for yourself.

[kaliope]

Hi Whyme
Welcome to Psych Central. I started praying to die when I was five. I was always angry at god all my life for letting me wake up in the morning. I was depressed all my life. I had three children too. I raised them in poverty and didn't think I was a very good mom because I couldn't be there for them emotionally because I was so unhappy and wanted to die so badly. I tried killing myself a few times in my life but it didn't work. Eventually I decided I had to do something to live. I found one good thing about me to counteract the negative thoughts I had about myself and eventually I came up with more good things about me. I went back to school taking one class a semester. it took me ten years to get my degree. I had a major breakdown and was hospitalized so ended up on medication and in therapy and it changed my life. the miracle happened and I am no longer depressed after thirty years. so don't give up. get help for yourself. meds work as much as I never wanted to take them. you will get lots of support here as well.

I can relate so much. I hope you are getting help.