Not realizing you're depressed

Right now, I am sitting here not feeling horrible. I don't feel like I'm going to cry, I don't feel like the world is crashing in all around me, I feel like I could talk to somebody and act pleasant.

But, I'm exhausted for no reason. I have no idea how I'm going to deal with the rest of my life. I have no desire to go hang out with a friend (not that I have any anymore). I have no desire to find a girlfriend. I have no desire to go take a 30 minute walk on a nice day. *Nothing* could excite me or make me look forward to life or waking up tomorrow. A billion dollars could drop into my lap, and the only reason it would make me happy would be that it would make it possible for me to just continue avoiding life.

This is where I've spent my entire adult life, and probably the bulk of my life in general. There are short ups, and short downs, but in general, I just exist. Eat, go through motions, sleep. Eat, go through motions, sleep. I guess it's something I learned from my family.

So, right now, I don't feel like I would call myself depressed because I'm just existing at my typical baseline level. Not happy, not particularly sad, not angry, not necessarily filled with dread, anxiety, or fear, but not looking forward to having to live the rest of my life. I just exist in this murky, grey, puddle of, "ugh". I've been this way longer than I can remember. Never even accepted the term, "depressed" until recently because I seemed able to function on the most basic of levels and wasn't crying or cutting myself or doing the things I think depressed people do. I guess that's why I've beaten myself up for so many years for being lazy. If I have to go do something I can usually do it and maybe even put on a pleasant outward appearance, but inside I'm just thinking, "ugh...". If the task takes one extra second, I swear under my breath and get annoyed because it's one second extra of my precious life that I'm not spending sitting alone, at home, doing absolutely nothing.

Anyway, I'm not really asking for anything...just hoping that typing things like this to other people will somehow help me. I still feel guilty being this way because nothing horrible has happened in my life. But, I've been trying to "just get over it" for way too long...I realize now that this wasn't something that I asked for. If it were up to me, I'd be able to look at my not-horrible life and say, "Wow...I'm so thankful for my not horrible life because so many people have had to struggle so much more than me." But, I just can't. When something horrible happens to somebody I know or I think about kids starving to death I think for a second, "Oh wow...I have no right to feel bad for myself....look how bad these other people have it.", but I just can't hold on to that realization for longer than 30 seconds and learn something from it. I mean, compared to many of you posting here, I feel like my life must just seem like nothing but rainbows and unicorns. I just can't seem to harness that knowledge and use it for anything constructive.

I don't know what the point of this post was. I guess just more of me realizing that when I'm "Ok", I'm really not ok. Followed by more of my feeling bad that I'm not using the fairly decent life I've been handed for something less selfish than sitting in a room moping on the internet to a bunch of people who probably have things worse than I do.

Are you on any medications at the moment? Some medications for depression or bipolar can cause emotional numbness.

Everyone's depression is individual. You don't have to be crying all the time or harming yourself to be depressed. Sometimes its just the feeling that nothing really matters and emotions are lacking. Mainly, if what you are going through is effecting your life in a negative way, then you probably are depressed and if you don't have a therapist already, you might want to get one.

You seem to be a spectator in your own life instead of a participant. That is no way to live. You aren't being lazy. Depression saps your energy, leaving you unmotivated and feeling like you can't move. Everything happens in slow motion. Until you can find the reason behind your depression, when its because of an event or because you have a chemical imbalance, you can't fix it. Try going to a professional and see what they can diagnose.

Sam2

Kind of sounds like apathy what your describing and yes, that could be depression. I never cry. Yet I can get deeply depressed which can be like you described or in total despair and sorry. If you have not seen a doc you really should. There is absolutely no reason to be suffering this way. Even if you think you are not suffering, there is no reason you have to feel this way. There are many good meds that can relieve much of these symptoms! Depression is the easiest symptom to treat in my case. Next would be my anxiety. There are some issues that can not be treated for me, but every little bit helps!

OPRMC,
I feel the exact same way. EXACT. Not depressed, but not happy either. Just existing. Ignoring life because it's too complicated. I stopped caring about everything. I think I just gave up. Fighting takes too much energy. I hope things get better for you soon.

Thanks for the responses. Yeah, it does sound like apathy, but to me apathy would mean that you just don't care that you're life is messed up. I care....I just feel completely unable to go about fixing it. I guess the surprise to me was when I took the depression test last night that I linked to in another thread and it put me in the "extreme depression" category. Just seems strange to me when I have always assumed I just exist on a daily basis with mild depression.

I was diagnosed 3-4 years ago with dysthymia, social anxiety disorder, probable seasonal affective disorder, and insomnia. I tried meds, but just kind of gave up on them after months of trying different ones and not really feeling like anything was getting better...it was costing me a ton of money that I didn't really have. I tried therapy for a while at one point. I should try both again, but as I described in another post, I'm sort of trapped in this cycle of being unable to work because of depression and unable to afford to get my depression under control because I can't work. But, I'm going to try to get over it and just look for the simplest job I can possibly find that will at least provide me a little money to get the process started.

So, anyway, I've already gotten lots of good advice here and it just comes down to me needing to follow some of the suggestions and do something. I guess at the moment I'm just finding comfort in writing posts here and hoping that if I vent enough here it might help ease my mind just enough that I can get out and do something to start helping myself.

I really haven't admitted to myself I've been depressed all this time until a few days ago. I know how you feel.. like theres not much to be depressed about in yourself, yet you're depressed.

Maybe try doing light exercises like walking, and try to clear your mind. And support groups around your area.

Hello OPRMC,

I am in the same exact predicament you are in. Except I'm 33 and female with no prospects for a boyfriend or a husband, not that I really want one. My biological clock is ticking with no prospects for marriage or children. Everyone around me has someone including my 20 year old sister who is probably going to get married next year. Which means I will have to find my fat self a dress and face family members even though I look terrible. I gave up taking care of myself and my appearance. I exist every day. Not happy not sad, just in limbo.

I have an income and I have therapy and I have meds yet I am still in this place. People say get therapy and get meds and you will be better, but I have all those things plus money coming in and I have no desire for anything. I am in a constant state of laziness, locked in my room and letting every day pass me by.

I don't really know what I am trying to say here, but just know that you're not alone.