I don't get myself.

I don't really know where to start or really what this is about, but I don't feel so good.
I was feeling good, even an hour ago, but all of the sudden, I don't.
I feel kind of down, sad, unloved, and alone.
I'm not really sure why I began to feel this way, because I was fine all day..
I've been having pretty good several days, but right now, I don't feel so good.
I feel empty. I feel like nothing matters and nothing is important.
Does anybody ever have that feeling?? Like when all of the sudden, you just feel this extreme sadness and emptiness and you just don't know what to do?? I don't even know why i'm writing this...
I don't know what to do with myself. Usually, when I feel this way, I just go in my room and lay on my bed, listening to music. Sometimes i cry and I don't know why.
I get so frustrated because I have NO idea what went wrong. I'm just upset.. and very unhappy.
It's like i feel that noone cares.. not even me.
I don't care about anything or anyone, including myself. I hate everything and everyone.. including myself.
And then i feel guilty. I feel guilty about not appreciating my family and everything else that not everybody else has.. I feel guilty that my life is good compared to many people's lives.
But no matter how guilty I feel about it, I can't change how i feel.. I still don't care.
It doesn't matter.
It makes me want to give up forever.
Why does my mood change like that?? I have no idea what is wrong with me..
The other day, I went to the mall with my brother.. We decided that we wanted to go see a movie.. He started being picky on what we were going to watch and we started arguing.. I got mad and then sad..
I almost burst into tears, for really no reason.. right there, in front of everybody..
He told me that I was waaayy too emotional, and maybe I am. But I dont know why.
I'm not even allowed to be on this website right now..
I am almost 18 years old and my parents treat me as if I was 10.. I'm not allowed to even watch a stupid rated R movie! They unplug our cables to our TV's at 11:00 pm.. we only have local cable.. there's no porn on TV.. it drives me insane.. I'm not even one of those crazy party girls that sleeps with her boyfriends.. %#@&#!, I don't even date. I stay away from anything that my parents wouldn't approve of..
My dad is yelling at me at this moment to get offline..
He doesn't know exactly what I'm doing.. But he's afraid that I'm on myspace talking to my friends, which I dont' even do anymore cuz I hate my friends..
If he only knew that this makes me feel better.. If he knew how i trully felt right now, at this very moment..
If he knew, he would just say that i'm too emotional and I make a big deal out of nothing and that I'm a drama queen..
And maybe i am.. but I can't help it..
I just feel like %#@&#!.
Okay.. well so much for feeling better.

I'm sorry that you are feeling so low. Was there anything that happened in your past that you felt was bad or somehow it went wrong? I'm just curioius because I use to feel the same way when I first started realizing that I had depression. There was a lot of things that happened in my past that caused it and it's not easy to get over it but it's worth starting to talk about it. Maybe a therapist would be of some help. They would be able to help you to figure out who you are and help you to figure out what you can do next with your life. Hang in there! Things will get better!

(((((((((((((((prettyjolie))))))))))))))))

I too feel that way sometimes, like I'm suddenly drowning in sadness that I can't explain.

I think it's part & parcel of having depression, one minute we are happy & bright, the next we are dark & want to hide away!!

Flinty

(((prettyjolie)))
I'm so sorry you are so upset and confused right now. And no word of a lie, as i was reading what you wrote, i thought i was reading my own thoughts. It sucks, it really does, feeling this way, not knowing why .. and not having any where to turn to - not even yourself. Sometimes we can cry .. and sometimes even that seems like too much effort .. but i promise if you can just push through these harder times .. it will get easier. Do things that you enjoy doing - whether it be listen to music, or art, or whatever it is that you can express yourself. I find that keeping a journal helps alot. I know with me at least it is sometimes hard to find where the source of all these feelings come from, and if i can write it down and see it right in front of me it helps so sort through these things a bit.
Do you have anyone that you feel comfortable talking to? A friend, or a relative... ? If not, are there counsellors at your school that you could talk to? I know it can be intimidating and scary if you haven't done it before ... but it really can help. and you dont have to worry about your parents finding out because if you do it through the school they can't tell your parents. Its just a thought .. might help you figure out more so why you are feeling the way you are, and if not, well its always good to talk things out too.
And you know that you can pm me anytime you want. If there is anything that i could do to help i would be more than willing to.
Take care of you
Smile
Jacqueline

((((((((prettyjolie))))))))))

I totally understand how you feel. I had very repressive parents as well. Just remember that you are not alone in how you feel, and that things CAN and WILL get better someday. Good Luck!

The rapidly changing moods & tearfullness could be signs of depression or bipolar. Can you talk to your doctor about how you are feeling? He/she might be able to steer you in the right direction to get some help & your parents may listen to a doctor more than they listen to you. I had a terrible time in my teen years, too, but I have been helped by medication & therapy. I think you are making great decisons in your lifestyle. Your parents should be proud of you.--Suzy