I don't want to die but I do wish I wasn't alive

Maybe I mean I wish I'd never been born but that sounds a little immature.
I'm having a down day today. I haven't felt truly happy for over a year. I've come close but not quite.
I'm 28 and jobless.
I'm out of love and patience.
I spend my days using what little energy I have to try to make the prices fit together properly. Then I spend my nights longing for a second chance. It wouldn't be so bad if it was all my own fault that I've failed at life. I'm not going to pretend that I couldn't have done anymore. Laterally, I cannot honestly say that I have tried very hard at anything at all. Experience tells me that no matter how hard I try, the outcome will be the same. Exhausted, deeply sad and still in the same spot I was when I started. For the longest time, I thought life was hard for everyone and I think it is. But not this hard. I get frustrated with myself and shout. Sometimes I wonder if I shout to drown out the voices of the past. Echoes through time of me telling people how great things could be and how I could do anything I put my mind to. I don't know if I was naive or positive. Honestly, I just loved life but life didn't love me back. I was the chairperson for my campus in the largest student union in the country. It wasn't easy as I left school with nothing because of my ADHD and no support. I was respected and appreciated by many and I never took it for granted. I had to work hard for what I had and I had to continue to work hard to keep it. All it took was my ex girlfriend(not ex at the time) getting sick to change everything. I thought she would die and everything unraveled around me. I visited her in a hospital hundreds of miles from home in a city I didn't know. I fell behind on college work because I couldn't concentrate. I would read the same line 10 times and still not comprehend any of it. No one asked me if I was ok. Looking back, I know people would have noticed that I was stressed and very depressed.
Out of the debris came my future wife. She helped support my while my gf was on hospital. My future wife didn't like how my gf treated me anyway. Sick or not, she was always horrible to me.
My new friend really helped. My gf broke up with me and I didn't ask her back. She was nasty. Now I had the opportunity I had waited on- to date the nice new friend. Little did I know at the time how poorly the new gf was. I thought it would be all worth it because she is a decent person. She deserves it.
After helping her through her parents divorce, we got married and moved away from her very abusive family. My wife is disabled in many ways including sight loss and hearing loss and sometimes uses a wheelchair. Her past deeply troubles me. She was abducted hundreds of times as a child by a pedophile ring and taken all over the place to be rented out. It went on for years and her family were too selfish to do anything about it. They were too busy putting up a smoke screen to make everyone believe that all was ok in the home to bother helping their daughter. Recently I found out that her father takes her from the age of 3 until 17. It has really affected me negatively. I can't believe that was all happening. Now I'm overprotective of her because I couldn't live with myself if anything else happened on my watch.
To top it all off, my wife is a genuine genius. A female 'rain man'. She soaks up information about medicine like a sponge. But she had convinced herself that everyone can do what she does because that fits with her original belief of her being unintelligent. I guess she's been told it too much and now she can't unbelieve it. I can't convince her. When she finds out that people don't know the obscure medical facts she does, she just thinks it's an anomaly and that everyone else knows apart from those people.
Anyway, it's late and I'm hoping to sleep.

ambivalence

When I get really depressed I'm never suicidal, but I do wish I was dead or never born. It sucks being stuck in that mood. Are you on any meds, if so what?

Methylphenidate Hydrochloride. That's allow release Ritalin to you and I. ADHD is a big contributor to my depression. A combination of many small failures each day with natural self-criticism. I not too hard on myself- I just mess up a lot.
I've done the antidepressant thing when I first moved into independent living. The GP gave me one antidepressant and I experienced every single side effect except the most serious ones(kidney failure etc). I got the nausea, the weight gain, all of it. Then it didn't work after 6 weeks so the GP changed me to another antidepressant. Same side effects reset all over again. That went on for a year and I went from being slightly underweight to being very obese. I still don't eat very much most of the time yet I'm huge. It's another contributor towards my depression.

sounds familiar to myself........

almost like you want to leave your body and live a new life, as a new person - but without giving up the family and friends who sincerely care about you.

Sounds like depression. Probably pretty concerning level of it. Seek help, do not stop seeking help. Try to be patient (boy do I feel like a hypocrite writing this). And take meds as prescribed.

Believe me, I've tried. And I'm not going to lie and tell you that I've never stopped trying. I have had breaks from seeking help as it is exhausting. Mental health services, in my experience, seem to delight in throwing help at those who just aren't interested and don't want help at all. We've recently moved to a place where the health system is very different and I'm awaiting word from the health centre. I remain hopeful that something will come up this time.
My only worry is that each time it doesn't work out, the crushing disappointment is compounded with all the other failures in a row. Each more crushing than the last.

I think I am following you..... and I am no deep-thinker / analyst type person. But as I read your comments it reminds me of a song that seems fitting for your situation. It is called "Laura's story". It is a Christian-based song (so I hope that you are open to at least listening to it). You can YouTube it.

I think (and hope) that it offers you some form of comfort.

I have found Laura story but it seems to be the name of the artist. Is that it? If so, which song is it?

Actually, I think I found it.
'Blessings' by Laura Story



Thanks for this.

Also, I think you need to consider a new username and update your bio.

Saw this on your profile:
ImageUploadedByTapatalk1380212456.086675.jpg

Clearly you're doing something right. ;-)

Thanks for finding my error - Blessings is what I was thinking of (but failed to say).

And my name is appropriate as proven by a lifetime of experience.

Regardless, I'd still like you to know that I found your post helpful.

It's interesting that you should write 'Laura's Story' as I have a very close friend called Laura and this song is even more get story than it is mine.
I consider myself a believer although I haven't been church for a while. Having just moved, we have only just settled in. Probably go this Sunday.

Thanks.... and a little background on the song (Blessings)......

She wrote it as her husband was going through treatment for cancer. Clearly this hit home to her too.