[manalee]

I'm really new to this, so please bear with me. The thing i hate most about depression, and there are oh so many, is it's ability to make me act completely out of my mind. When I get like I am right now, I can see the way i'm treating people around me, I can see how irrational i'm being and how *****y and miserable and how i'm taking out all my misery on them, and it's like i'm on the inside of a glass room looking out on all of it and i'm screaming at myself to stop and I don't. I just keep going with all of it. Then when I finally calm down, and that moment passes, I feel the shame. The shame of having acted in such a horrible manner. and the repercussions of said actions. The fear, that I've pushed away those who are most important to me. Last night, I'm pretty sure I pushed away the one person I could have spent my life with. For the stupidest reason, I took a little comment and blew it completely out of proportion and now he won't have anything to do with me. I am an idiot, and what's worse is I let the depression win.

[manwithnofriends]

You'll be OK.

the thing i hate most is just the motivation to do nothing

o, and also the guilt that comes with it- you're given the world on a plate, you should be satisfied but you're not

((Manalee)) I'm so sorry that happened. Maybe he just needs some time to cool off then you can talk? Being able to talk things out is essential and if you do get that chance I sure hope he understands. Keep posting, it really does help. Do you have a T?

[manalee]

we're okay...i think, sort of...we haven't officially talked about what happened, but I emailed him trying my best to explain and apologizing and he's at least talking to me. I don't have a T yet, but i have an appointment later this month, was the earliest they could get me in. I'm feeling a little bit better today...or at least for the moment. Getting some of it out here helped, rather than internalizing it all. I keep getting told to stop taking everything so seriously, I'm trying but it's hard.

I agree with that too Shattered Sanity.

That's a great start though! Why not take it seriously? That was a big thing that happened, you can learn from it and then give it the opportunity to strengthen your relationship. Good for you for taking the first step in trying to make things right.