[xrainstormx]

It has been a while, I felt like it was pointless to write because it didn't fix anything. I guess I still feel that way but I don't know what else to do. Everything I ever went through in my life has made this huge balck whole. I keep falling deeper and deeper inside. I have come to the point were nothing matters anymore. I don't care what happens, I know nothing good will happen anyways. It is better to feel nothing, than all the pain. Everything that was once wrong is now right. I don't even make sense to myself. I don't know if writing this was a good idea. My boyfriend is the only good thing but I feel like we are fading away. I stopped talking to him about a lot of things to. That is my fault though. I just can't bring myself to talk about anything anymore. Everything is my fault. I am a %#@&#! up. I really do hate myself. I hat looking in the mirror. I want to talk but it is to hard. Why? I am drowning myself. Even what I am typing is vague. This disease has taken over me. What should I do? Please, help me, Please.

[bipolar_bear]

I am so sorry how bad you are feeling. Sometimes everything gets so overwhelming and it is hard to see the light anymore. I am sure you are a wonderful person. Maybe you can try and reach back out to your boyfriend and maybe even look for some professional help to work through this. I hope things look brighter soon. Take care.

[Flinty]

(((((((((((((((((XrainstormX)))))))))))))))))))))

It is often hard to see the light when we are surrounded by darkness, but it is there, we may not be able to see it, but it is there!!

You are not a %#@&#! up, you deserve to be here & deserve to be happy, just as everyone else does!!!

I am concerned that you don't like talking, but maybe if you can't talk about whats going on, you could find something else that allows you to express your feelings...... coz getting out those dark feelings may help you to see the light!!

Don't loose hope!!

Flinty

[arod13]

it is very hard to speak i know that from experience especially when you are as down as you are writing is good though even if you think it is not working perhaps write to your boyfriend instead of speaking that helps me sometimes at least letting someone know how you feel you think u are being vague but you really aren't you are expressing yourself well in how you feel you just don't think you are
hold on to the hope that you once had it will get better

[xrainstormx]

Thank you. I do have a doctor. I am on medication but nothing seems to help.

[xrainstormx]

Thank you. I have tired writing peems, working with clay, or just anything to get off whats on my mind. When I am done it is all there though.

[xrainstormx]

Thank you. I will try to my boyfriend more. I really and scared that he will get annoyed by me or not want to deal with it anymore. I understand it is a lot of stress.

[xrainstormx]

It is so hard. I just want to talk so bad.

[arod13]

xrainstormx- hold on ok it will get better find someone to just spill your heart out to i know i just did that today and even though it may not be the person you want to talk to at least its someone that will make you feel a little better getting it off your chest and having someone else know what is bothering you

[Bleufacez]

You are being too hard on yourself! Have you tried self-analyzing of what cause you to feel this way. MDD is a bio disease that feels physiological but... there are stressors that trigger you into that state. Think back...

I suffered from dysthymia and later went to MDD so I can relate to what you are saying. My chest felt so constricted and I cannot cry even though I was desperate to do it. I couldn't concentrate and I started to feel very inadequate. No matter what I do... nothing worked! I started self isolation and had the worst self-image ever! Not even talk therapy helped.

But I also started an exercise program. I ran every other day. It didn't help me from coming out of MDD but it kept me afloat and I had a goal every other day... to run and run an extra half a lap until I was able to do 10 laps (and imagine... I used to hate running). I discipline myself to do it even if I was feeling dejected or lethargic. After awhile... I was able to add on more programs like waking up @ 5:30 to Denise Austin and walk during breaks, etc.. etc...

I still felt empty but at least I wasn't moping around the house anymore. Slowly but surely... I started to be open to friends about my condition and surprisingly... they're very sympathetic and asked me out to lunch or dinner. I went, though I couldn't keep up w. the convo but listening to their life dramas... made me feel slightly better.

Start slowly... and even though you don't feel like it... do it anyway. You'd feel worse if you realize that not only you're in a state of dejection, chest constriction but also you haven't done a thing. If you do something... at least you can say to yourself... hey... I managed to complete this, though it was hard - that means that I'm still good enough to do other tasks (and you always are... don't ever give in believing that you're not). They maybe 3x more difficult than it used to but it is better than doing nothing!

No one can help your get out of depression and you will never "come out". Sometimes it helps me to read stories about depression because it makes me feel that someone understands me and that I'm not alone. You know that it is hard and frustrating to explain how you feel to a person who never experienced it of had regular exposure to depression so... find something where you can feel understood.

I particularly love reading the Epilogue passage from An Unquiet Mind by Kay Jamison.

[xrainstormx]

I an try and try but Iguess I will try again.

[arod13]

keep trying thats the only thing you can do if oyu think that will make you feel better sometimes we spill a little more each time and others if aware can put it together

[xrainstormx]

That would be nice to have someone put it together

[xrainstormx]

"No one can help your get out of depression and you will never "come out"." I can't do it myself anymore and that is all I have!? That is the worst feeling knowind that I cna't deal with this anymore. I have done it for so long and I am done. No more. I don't have the strenght.

there was one phrase that was going around and around in my head as i read your post: "you cannot heal from depression overnight, it takes alot of time and alot of hard work, perserverance, support, and most of all, acceptance".

you need to accept you have depression, which you have.

you need support, which you have got here at PC.

you need perseverance, to stick at it and keep working. even though you feel talking isnt helping, you say that you feel you need to talk...if that isnt a sign then i dont know what is. even if its just small talk every so often to begin with, it all helps. to get past depression is a long hard road, with many bumps on the way. you need to be able to talk about what is upsetting you and getting you down. you may not be able to do this with your boyfriend, doesnt mean you are fading apart though. talk on here. thats what we are here for.

trust me, talking does help, its the main cure for depression.

hope it goes well and i want you to know that we are all here for you if you should need us.

speak soon

simon

[JustAPixie]

((((((((( rainstorm )))))))

[Bleufacez]

Simon is right - every word. Perseverance is the key and you came here... so you know that you can fight this!

You need to hang in there and think positively. Talk out your problems in this forum. Read others' complaints and provide support. If you think positively for others then you can learn to do it for yourself.

Depression is an awful thing but through depression comes a greater appreciation for life.

Let me quote from a book An Unquiet Mind by Kay Jamison -

"I honestly believe that as a result of it [depression] I have felt more things, more deeply; had more experiences, more intensely; loved more, been more loved; laughed more often for having cried more often; appreciated more springs, for all the winters; worn death "as close as dungarees," appreciated it - and life- more; seen the finest and the most terrible in people, and slowly learned the values of caring, loyalty, and seeing things through. I have seen the breadth and depth and width of my mind and heart and seen how frail they both are, and how ultimately unknowable they both are. Depressed, I have crawled on my hands and knees in order to get across a room and have done it for month after month. But, normal or manic, I have run faster, thought faster, and loved faster than most I know."

I've attempted suicide a few times. Luckily each time I came out physically perfect. But recovering from a failed one put me in a worse state of dejection. Before I attempt I wonder what if I didn't come out okay - what if I end up in a vegetative state? Is it worthed?

Remember - facing the fear of death is the easy part. Overcoming the fear of life is what's hard.