so i guess this post might be deleted by mods perahps. but there is nothing more stressful than feeling like u don't relate to those in ur relgion anymore. I feel so disconnected with everyeones experience with christiantity.. its so disconcerting. not only do i feel far from God. I feel like every church i find, they are planets away from me. It all is so fake, so frigtheningly unreal, believing in so many things that arent real and true, those acting in a emotinal frenzy. sad thing is all i want is to meet another christian who is real... and i cant find it.. everyone i meet is spouting some versus without thinking about them or going deeper , looking at reality, pretending to or deluding themselves of their own experience. sorry if this offends.. delete it if u must. I m just so frustrated because i never thought i 'd be where i am.

[Christina86]

(((((((((esthersvirtue)))))))))

Can't say I know exactly how you feel - but I'm "Christian" (leaning more towards agnostic) and I know a lot of the stuff you said makes sense to me and is what I have experienced.

Not sure what else to say but take care of yourself - and PM me anytime for anything.

[dottie]

I agree!
. It is extremely stressful to be struggling to keep the faith. We are constantly challenged in every way possible.

[biplol]

I feel the same way, I've been one religion all my life and I stopped going to church almost a year ago. Now, I try really hard to believe in God and somedays, it's my biggest struggle
But, still, you can find other things to inspire you.
Look at the window, i'm sure you'll find something.
~~hugs your way~~

sorry that email came off sounding so mad. i guess if your faith is to be true, it will be tried. I guess what I didnt say above was that i do believe in God, it just I feel so far from him and also those that could help me feel closer to him. Honestly.. cant explain it.. I dont undertand it. But im not giving up on my faith.. The challenge does add so much to my depression though which is why i posted here. Its so frustrating not finding a home where you used to (whether it be with a friend, family, or church community).

[JustAPixie]

(((((((( ev )))))))))

I know how much the people in church can hurt each other by their false pretences and fronts that they put forward. It has become a show, to see who is the "holiest" bragging to each other about good deeds and pure thoughts, while in their hearts they are even more broken than you! The place where you go to find peace just brings more anger and turmoil...

I have found over the years that the smaller the church, the more I like it. The people share a deeper bond and don't tell lies to cover their imperfections.

[arod13]

i have felt the same way...... and actually still do but i have found people just like me struggling with the same things and you know that has made a big difference with my depression these people have turned my life around before i always felt like an outsider now ifeel like i belong for so long i thought God left me but see i left him and your right it is very difficult if you don't have the support becuase some people are very cruel. there are people there feeling just like you its just a matter of finding them keep the faith and stay strong take care of yourself
you can pm me if you want anytime

[(JD)]

"FAITH IS the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things UNSEEN."

You are exhibiting more faith than many ppl right now.

I am a true Christian. I know where you are, I'm there too and have been for years. My T says that either depression or PTSD can cause the closeness to GOD feel non-existent. (My words.) I have both.

I can't attend services because I feel so hollow there, or I am so overwhelmed I sob unconsolably.

What I have decided is this: THIS IS faith! When we can't see where we are, where we are going, understand why, know what is happening..yet... we still hold to what we knew we believed.

GOD IS GOD. No one moved. (I hate, HATE that term, "if you don't feel close to God guess who moved?) I learned much about the nature of God. He IS. He was there when I wasn't looking for him. He was there when I didn't know Him. He was there when I needed Him. He is there now, though I can't sense Him.

Also what I realized: God is God and by being God HE understands not only what I am going through and where I am, but WHY I am here. He also knows what I need and how long I will be here.

If God wasn't God, then none of this matters. But since He is, He knows I am human (HE made me!) He knows I am trying. He knows I want different.

Now is the time to not worry about your spirituality. Do what you can. Read when you can. Pray if you can. Things are different. You might be different. But God is the same.

BTW one term, cliche I do agree with: Christians are the only army that shoots it's wounded. Sad but true usually. I guess they just don't know what it is to be tried? They just don't know what real faith is. It doesn't come by Sunday church carry in dinners and long choir rehearsals.

[prettyjolie]

Ok, first of all, if you don't want to read about God and don't want to know anything about God, then don't read this.
I am only writing this to try to help anyone that needs it and share how I feel.
I'm sorry if this offends you, which I hope it doesn't.
Anyway...

Esthersvirtue,
I know how you feel because for a long time I felt the same way.. I went to church when I was little only because I was forced to. I would avoid going as much as possible, even by taking a looooong shower so that we wouldn't make it to church.
God wasn't in my life very much for YEARS {I regret that}. But as I got older, I felt so far from God and religion.. I felt lost and confused and alone.
I didn't know what was wrong.
About a year ago, I realized that I needed God in my life. I started to read the Bible and stuff, but I still didn't have much faith. I have to admit that I have doubted God so many times in my life, it's sad. I wondered why, if God is real, then why is there so many bad things happening in the world?.. Nobody could answer any of my questions. So, i figured that there were no answers and that I was right: God couldn't possibly exist.
But, this past weekend, i went away on this short course about religion. I went knowing noone, and feeling out of place because I knew that all the people going had SO MUCH faith, and I didn't. I felt like I didn't belong.
But that experience completely changed everything.
I had felt depressed for so long and after that, I see all my problems as not so bad, and I concentrate on all the good things I have, rather than the negative.
I was born Catholic, but I don't agree with ALOT of the beliefs.. I'm thinking of going to a Christian church because I believe that it is the better one for me..
but anyway, don't lose faith. Keep trying and when you are in doubt, look around.. How could everything be so perfect if there wasn't a God? How could a flower be so beautiful?
I found it hard to believe for a while because there is no proof of God, but with science, there is proof. But maybe God created science to give us some answers and evolve.. I don't know, that's just how I feel.
The bad things in the world happen because God gave us freedom. He let us think and have our own opinions, instead of being all the same, like robots.. how fun would that be?? not much.
If you find God, you will see that you feel better; I did.

I'm not trying to push my religion to other people.. If you want to consider what I say, then do it, if you don't, then that's okay.
Okay, well I guess that's all for now..
Send me a message if you want to talk..
Good luck with everything and God Bless You.
<33

[Junerain]

Esthervirtue-

I, also, have felt ar from God. Tell God how you feel, he will not only listen, but, I feel, he is actually CARRYING you right now....... I keep the poem, 'Footprints..' in my purse and every time I feel disconnected from God I am reminded- BUT THERE IS ONLY ONE SET OF FOOTPRINTS< PLUS THIS IS THE WORST PART OF MY LIFE!! GOD ARE YOU UP THERE? Then I can hear God, my child, my child, I am carrying you, yes, your illness makes it hard to feel me, but I am carrying you!! Also, I would say try several more churches it took me ten before I found one with other mentally ill people..try support groups like depression bipolar support alliance dbsalliance.org or NAMI then ask people there where they go to church..a lot do..you are a true child of God to write what you did and get people talking about God and express a deep need for Him.

[prettyjolie]

I love that "Footprints" poem.. I recently got it as a gift, and i have it in a bookmark.. and I love it..

[arod13]

esthervirtue if you want God he is there all you have to do is ask but remember the answer you want may not be God's answer so you always have to keep your eyes open and be aware sometimes just going and sitting in a church by yourself not during mass would help

[FaithisAlive]

God Knows your heart, and even if you don't feel close to Him now.. He is close to you , and He will guide you to the place He wants you to be.

God's church isn't about the building or the doctrines practiced there. It isn't about religion either... God's church is made up of believers in Him.. and believers can be found everywhere.

Unfortunately people often call themselves christians when in reality they are only that on Sunday in church because it looks good on them.

It sounds to me like you might be lonely for someone to share your faith with.. to grow in Christ with.. I know that feeling.

I think if you continue to pray about itand ask God to lead you to where He needs you to be so you can be all you can be in Him.. He is faithful and He will lead you.. listen.. be patient.I will keep you in my prayers... and I'll be here to help lift to you if you need me.. thats what sisters do.And we are sisters in Christ.Faith.

sorry i havent answered this thread in a bit. I appreciate everyones comments. They were very encouraging and empathetic whichalwys makes me feel better. I feel like im going through some change inside because I'm searching allot.

[Perna]

Esthersvirtue, I think I know how you feel. Have you read any of C.S. Lewis, especially The Great Divorce? He is very "common sense" and doesn't "spout" stuff.

I found some comfort figuring out just what I do believe and knowing even though it doesn't "match" others' beliefs that it's "mine" and good enough for me. It's sad to suddenly see you don't believe what you use to or what other friends and people you knew/meet do but eventually, moving forward with what you do believe you meet new friends more like you.

[Rapunzel]

C.S. Lewis is good. The whole Chronicles of Narnia series builds faith, although it's fiction. You can see the parallels if you are open to them

EV, I can very much relate to what you are saying. I believe in God, and that his promises are true. I would be happy to talk to you about my beliefs if you PM me about it. We do need to limit discussion of religion on the public forums. I'm not sure exactly where DocJohn intends for the limits to be. The way I understand it is that we need to be respectful of everyone's beliefs (or non-beliefs), no matter what they are, and not post gratuitously about religious topics when it isn't directly relevant to helping someone with mental health questions in a manner that is acceptable to them. But I know that spirituality is part of mental health, and many of our mental health concerns involve religion, and I think that we should be free to talk about that. That's just my opinion though (and I'm sorry, it's not the answer to your question - I just felt the need to say that because there have been so many posts lately that raise this topic, some that cross the line and some that don't, and it's hard to determine which do and which don't sometimes).

In more direct answer to your concern, I also struggle. Although I believe, and I know that God loves his children, the part that I struggle with is that it applies to me. Of course all the rules and commandments apply to me. I just don't know what there is about me that is worth saving and all the good stuff. That makes it hard to pray and do the things that I know I should do sometimes. I have struggled with that since I was a teenager or earlier. I've struggled with depression for that long too. I think that is one of the hardest symptoms to deal with, and maybe also the answer. When I can overcome that one, I think that might be the answer to most of my problems.

TC,
Rap