[Grimace]

I had a sad laugh today, because I had been working on this long post (way longer than this one ) to outline my problems and ask for advice, and when I read it through I was like... "Oh geez. I sound like a spoiled little boy whining because his new sneakers got wet in the rain."

I felt stupid and ashamed that my problems were even something I felt the need to share and needed help with. And it got me wondering how often group therapy/forum use has actually been counterproductive for people because of the "You think you have it bad ... ?" factor.

Yes, I get that the contrast between one's own position and something worse, and the resulting feeling that, "Maybe it's not so bad" can be helpful in relieving some of the stress and anxiety associated with our problems, at least for the moment.

But the flip side of that is that we just end up holding our tongue because "They'll laugh at me" or "They'll think I'm just being stupid."

So my mind ran through all that, and then I got angry because, "What the hell? I might have: a room to live out of, half as much debt as that person, actually had a relationship once upon a time (12 years ago), (divorced) parents who did not physically or sexually abuse me, two friends, a college degree, and I'm not suicidal, self-harming, or feel like life is not worth living ...

"BUT I'm still really ****ing miserable!"

I truly haven't felt genuinely happy once in the last five years. Aside from a period of traveling after I lost my job in 2007 -- during which I blew all the money I saved up from the previous five years -- I don't know that I've had a happy memory that isn't just me being happy for someone else since college (I turn 35 this week, and graduated in 2002).

I'm so defeated over trying and failing that even trying anymore (in whatever aspect of life) has me physically shaking.

My life feels like some cosmic experiment in negative reinforcement: "How many times can we zap him before he learns to stop pressing the lever?"

I feel like a lab mouse shaking as I tentatively reach up to push it, with a microscopic sliver of hope that this time some sugar water will come out, only to get another ZZZZZAP!!!!!!!!!!

I've put on my "happy face" for so long that it's, like, permanently stuck to me. But underneath the mask ....

The need to "fake it" it to not let my unhappiness poison my life even more has made me even more bitter and resentful. And I'm not sure I can not fake it anymore, and that's really disturbing to me.

I think about what I would act like if I spoke to a therapist, and I realized that I would be like I was around everyone else: I'd smile and nod and say "Okay" when they said something because I've trained myself to always act like I empathize. I'd politely thank them and tell them I thought I was feeling better, because I didn't want to make them feel like they weren't helping me.

And when I left I'd feel stupid for the same reason at the top of the post, because my problems are peanuts compare to those of his/her other patients.

And now I'm feeling ashamed about being angry about feeling ashamed. Just ....

Don't get me wrong. I don't at all feel like my problems are worse than anyone else's here. I think it's really amazingly crappy that people are going through them. Because I know how awful I feel, and to imagine what their despair must feel like ... I hurt for them. I've had family experience despair that caused them to end their life, and another to try many times, and I in no way mean to put myself on their level. I just ... want to feel happy sometimes. For myself.

[ToeJam]

You have nothing to feel ashamed about. By reading over what you're written I see the following 'other people will think I'm being miserable, self indulgent or just plain stupid... so I try to fake it because surely others have it worse than me'.

To me that is putting yourself in the shoes of those that don't understand... you're emphasizing with others and adjusting your life accordingly... like play acting.

I could be wrong... but I do that. When I was younger (I'm only a year older than you haha) people close would use the comparative argument of 'what have you to be depressed about? You have your health, ability etc... feel sorry for those with physical ailments... those that are homeless etc' and it made me both sad and highly irritated.

What those people didn't realize is that 'I do' feel bad for those with the above problems... 'I do' know that I'm lucky I'm not in that situation... what I don't know is why I feel this way, and that's why I told them!

At no point was I trying to make out that my situation was bigger than other peoples problems... I was just wanting to be happy again and didn't know how to get there. Because of the above though, I stopped talking and I began to play act... recognizing that you can fake it for other peoples benefit.

If and when you speak to a therapist... be honest. That can be easier said than done I know (I'm still struggling with that myself)... but they are there to actually listen and not condemn you for what you're going through... but look at ways to help you live rather than just keeping your head above the water

Agreed - there is NOTHING to be ashamed about.

Analogy.... A toddler falls and gets a little scrape on their knee. They cry. If you got that same scrape today - you would probably barely notice it. Did the pain not exist for the toddler??? Of course it did. Point being - we all have feelings and emotions and THEIR ARE NO WRONG FEELINGS.

They are YOUR feelings. And you have the right to feel whatever you feel. We are all different people - we all handle / process things differently. Please be at easy saying whatever you have to say.

Originally Posted by Grimace

I had a sad laugh today, because I had been working on this long post (way longer than this one ) to outline my problems and ask for advice, and when I read it through I was like... "Oh geez. I sound like a spoiled little boy whining because his new sneakers got wet in the rain."

Yes, I get that the contrast between one's own position and something worse, and the resulting feeling that, "Maybe it's not so bad" can be helpful in relieving some of the stress and anxiety associated with our problems, at least for the moment.

.

I had that same moment yesterday..after my rant. I read a post by someone that, compared to my drivel and upset, was way way worse, and of course, it does, because we are human, make you think, 'geeze, there for the grace etc' And for maybe a nano-second, it's helpful, but as you say, only to affix the mask more firmly.

Everyone's problems, hurt, upsets are genuine and important to them, and sharing them in forums like this are so helpful, I have to tell you. Someone answered my rant with what some might considered a platitude, but seeing how awful I felt all day, it made me feel...validated. I replied and I can't tell you how good it felt to have someone...just read the thing.

I guess what I'm trying to say, please don't feel your emotions, upsets, experiances which may have contributed to these feelings aren't 'worthy enough' to be posted here...they are. You may even find that all of those things, because they are yours, you can use to help someone else with theirs.

That's the beauty of this site. We're all in the same boat, it's just the amount of water we're individually chucking over the side to keep it afloat, that fluctuates.

[NextToNormal]

I can relate, and I understand. To anyone else my life is pretty great. That's why they call it a mental illness because there is something wrong. You can't just put it aside. It makes us miserable when we should be happy...

((Grimace))