[WhoAmI3333]

Me want to die is not a secret.. I even think my face became suicidal, I'm more silent now, drugged most of the time with weed & alcohol, I want to die, or I just want to vanish into another fantasy world..

Seriously, the problem is I crossed a line back ago, depression & pain were so strong & painful, I crossed the line of fear..I became reckless, simply emotional pain which makes death a lovely fantasy..a suitable alternative..

I keep asking why ? why is this happening to me ? my history is simple : overprotective mom -with obsession-, insane dad who fights screams & shouts at our faces all day long, and seeing my mom brutalized by him, then both of them brutalize me in their own way.

Mom is anti-social. She would be obsessed with me & she'll lock me home -I only go to school or outings with her- until I'm 13. She always filled my head with trashing on people "people are bad, people are backstabbers, befriend with your brothers instead of people".. she would fill my head, lock me, beat me if I disobeyed her, when I was allowed out it was for a very short time, other kids started to talk about this, she would always call me when I'm with my friends, and trash me just for being 30 min late, it was embarrassing..
She wasn't diagnosed or even went to a doctor..but I knew it..
Father is too similar, though he wants me to fight with people instead of isolating myself from them..dad was insane.

Growing up, I was mostly locked up inside my own room, I was able to make friends, it was getting harder to keep them, always a fight happens over something silly, I misread things.. I misread people..It's insane.

With time, I moved to study in a different state -Texas-, I was alone there so I managed to fix many bad things my parents taught me..but many other problems still exist, I still misread things, this is something I could've never fix..

I always feel isolated, I always feel lonely, even with people I always feel the need to go into the corner & just crawl.. sometimes I would like to cry, and sometimes I would like to just die..

For the past 2 years, death is a constant..everyday I wish it, one way or another.. today I beaten my chest so hard because I wanted my heart to stop..now my chest hurts & I feel the physical pain extends to my heart too..

I want to die.. .. I don't want to live. It's so painful. I misread things.

Mom & dad corrupted my head. Now I avoid talking to them on the phone, though they call.. I'm tired..I'm tired..
So lonely..I'm just tired.

I'm still young..but I don't want this life..This looks permanent..where am I going to start over? how ?

Right now, I have nobody in my life..but those mom & dad who grew me sick in the head.. soon, they would leave..I would be even lonelier..

I'm insane..I want to die..
I want to die, I want to die, I want to die..

I'm too depressed, I don't know how I'm going to carry on the day..

[Jannaku]

I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling so low. You have had a tough life so far from what I have read. You need to get into therapy to start working on healing yourself from your past trauma. Feeling like you want to die is because you can't see any other solutions and you are viewing it a a way out of how bad you are feeling. You need to talk with someone and offload some of these bad feelings. Please try not to get into a downward spiraling mindset. There is support out there for people like you. Please use one of these support services by giving them a call and talking to them. You need to stop beating yourself up and punishing yourself for something that your parents did. You are not to blame. Be strong and focus on getting better. You obviously are a very strong person because you have had to be. Also try to refrain from drinking alcohol and smoking since it will only worsen your depression. Stay positive and make that phone call now.

[Rohag]

For reference: PsychCentral Suicide Resources

Hello & Welcome, WhoAmI3333. Please try to stay safe and seek help.
Could you tell us a bit more about your "misreading things?"

[easyspirituality]

Even I suffered from the same situation but was luck that I came across a Spiritual Master and blessed with the knowledge of the self, thereafter my life has new vision to live a life a better perspective. All life worries, stress and depression came to an end. Really it is worth to try out. Read more on: dadabhawan.org website