[JoyDivision7680]

It all happens so fast. When I joined PC in August I wasn't feeling depressed and now I'm feeling dreadful. I'm already sick of having daily moments when I don't feel depressed, because I tend to be a lot more talkative and even act childish. And I totally hate that. And there are some manic moments, short lasting kind which occurr mostly in the afternoon (I don't think I'm bipolar though, because I don't feel hyperactive, little need for sleep or extreme happiness). I kinda like my manic moments, even though I still feel sad and that I'm being followed, at least I feel good.
During my manic moments I tend to think very positive about my future, sometimes it's so positive that I wake up in the morning feeling ashamed of myself.
I don't think I ever feel 'normal'.
I want to cry sometimes but I can't.
I don't like it when other people try to help me too much in a matter, or when they act very good with me. Neither when they act bad.
I'm starting to give up the hope of having a normal social life. I don't feel anymore that I am able to live a life like that. And I'm afraid it'll go down the drain eventually.
At the moment, all I want is a place of mine with all the facilities I need, some good books, CDs and vinyls and an animal companion, a dog.
I love animals and one of my wishes is to get a dog someday. I've never had a dog and it sucks, because I really believe a dog would understand me.
But I'm afraid I'll hit my dog, like I did 10 years ago with a street dog. I feel very sorry now and hate myself for doing that. Since then I behaved pretty well with other animals, but I had moments of extreme anger when I'd hit them and run.
This is my dark side I guess. Sometimes I dream myself torturing small cats and dogs. I'm not like that, I never was, not even during those anger moments.
I feel stupid and miserable. Later I'll be feeling more miserable for coming here and crying.
For a couple of seconds I wanted to die.

[JoyDivision7680]

I also hate the fact I had an unhappy childhood and that the very few pleasant memories I have from back then are drenched in pain and/or guilt

[gayleggg]

I hope your depression goes away soon and that you feel better. I'm depressed too and waiting the psychiatrist to fix me. Sometime we get close, but most of the time I'm still depressed.

[JoyDivision7680]

Thank you. This might sound out of place, but I wouldn't mind depression at all if I had the chance to express myself in a way. I tried to draw - failed; tried to write poems - failed big time. I'm not sure if it's right to think this way, but I won't mind any disorder as long as I'm taking advantage of it. But at the moment I can't do a productive thing.
I've been reading articles about depression and bipolar all day and I'm really confused: could I be bipolar or not? From what I know I'm only depressed, but according to some articles I'm bipolar too

Also, my BP quiz results say that I have moderate to severe symptoms.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by MotherMan

...I wouldn't mind depression at all if I had the chance to express myself in a way.

You are seeking some form of creativity that can "burn" depression as a fuel. Have you tried anything other than drawing and poetry?

Originally Posted by MotherMan

...my BP quiz results say that I have moderate to severe symptoms.

It's worth discussing all your symptoms with your doctor regardless of the formal diagnosis.

I'm sorry you are feeling worse. I hope you can at least stabilize soon.

[bronzeowl]

Your mania could be hypomania. Just a thought. It's not as extreme as "full blown" mania, but is still existent. Regardless of what it may or may not be, it's best to speak to your doctor about any and all symptoms you have.

I hope that getting it out at least makes you feel better in the moment. Depression can be an evil mistress at times. Vicious cycle. Creativity is hard for me to come across when I'm depressed. It's more there when I'm euphoric, elevated. Then, i can't stop it. I do find that not trying to force it helps. Just take creativity slowly. I hope you can find something that works for you. Take care.

[JoyDivision7680]

@Rohag At the moment I don't have any other possibilities to be creative, so unfortunately no

@bronzeowl Hypomania can occurr in 'simple' depression too?
During those episodes it's true I feel creative, but the next day when I take a look on my creations I find them very idiotic, repetitive, talent/work lacking, etc.

Thank you all for responding