[InvisibleAlbatross]

Yesterday I posted part 1 of my sad, pathetic life and got some good responses. Here is the rest and the worst.


Part 2 – My "love" life
As mentioned before, I have a girlfriend in Taiwan. At least I think I do. We have broken up so many times that I can never be sure what our status is. She went back home 2 years ago, so we have been doing the long-distance thing, which is never fun. Since we first started dating 7 (?) years ago, I was a terrible bf. I was distant and never really there for her emotionally. Looking back I can see why I was that way and I think she knows too. She is aware of some of my "issues" but I have not told her everything. I felt it would just be making excuses. I never expected our relationship to go anywhere, so I never put much effort into it. I regret that very much and I cannot understand why she stayed with me for so long. In my defence, she was quite sensitive about things I said and did, but I do understand. When we started dating, I told her not to be surprised if she saw me on the street with other women, because I have lots of female friends. Now I know that was just plain dumb, and it led to her always wondering how serious I was about her. I also CONSTANTLY (but not in bed haha) called her the name (both M names) of a girl she knew I previously had a crush on. I have no idea why I always did that, but the harder I tried not to, the more I did it (typical).

Each time she broke up with me, I begged for her back. And she always came back. We have been in the same cycle for 7 years. Part of the problem is that I know I do not deserve her, so I think I somehow sabotage our relationship. I know this hurts her, mainly because she has no idea why I do these things. I believe I should be unhappy, so I subconsciously screw up my own life. It gets worse, though. I am 34 and she is 37. I know she wants to marry and have a child. Each year we are together, I feel I have destroyed those opportunities for her, so I just stay with her, instead of breaking up with her once and for all, as I know I should do. Does anyone see how twisted this is? I love her, but because I do, I want her to be free. I don't want to break up, because I fear she will never have another chance at love. Yes I do know how selfish and narcissistic that sounds.

And now I come to the worst part. I have never shared this with anyone, including my therapist. I want him to know, but I am terrified to tell him. About a year ago, I was feeling incredibly lonely (gf and I were on the outs, for the 800th time), so I went to a dating site. Found a girl there who lives overseas, but is really perfect for me (whatever that means). She is beautiful, intelligent, kind, funny. Now she is a fair bit younger than I am, 22, but I don't see that as a really big deal. She is from a country that is not stable economically, which is important to the story. When I told my friend about her, the first thing he said was, "Dude, she is scamming you." Maybe I'm blind, but I don't think she is. I will admit that once she asked me for money to pay her bills and I did send it to her. But here is the bad part. While she never asked for money except that time, she does describe her situation to me when we chat on Skype. And I feel really bad so I often send her money without her asking. She is always grateful, of that I am sure.

Now here is the twist. She has 2 roommates, 1 male, 1 female. I thought her female roomie was my friend (as much as people can be friends without actually meeting). Looking back she often would tell me how "M" (yes, another M name) was feeling or doing, how she was struggling to support her family, because it is all up to her. These conversations almost inevitably led to me sending money. I found out a couple months ago from the male roomie that the female is a scammer and has done this sort of thing before. She pushes her friend to ask for money or give a sob story. Crazy as it is, I still do not blame M. I know for a fact (male roomie has told me) that more than once she refused to lie to me or ask for more than she really needed. What hurt the most was female roomie saying to M "What does he have to offer? He is disabled! Just scam him for money." I was happy to hear M was horrified at this and yelled at her roomie.

Here is the thing. I am a sucker. I know that. I am also not a great person, because I am emotionally cheating on my gf, though in my defence (weak, I know), I do not believe we are together. I avoid having that conversation. Each time M talks about having trouble, I top up her cell phone or send money. And then I beat myself up for doing it. I am dealing with a credit card bill I have no immediate hope of paying off (only $800, but that is lots to me). I have sent literally thousands to M to help her. I will admit that part of my rationale is hope for some future. But truly, part of it is it makes me feel worthy and needed (many fights with my gf were over my excessively helping anyone who asks). And now I worry that if I stop, M will have troubles or have to do something truly terrible just to survive. I am very neurotic and I cannot stop these thoughts.

But here is the sickest part of all. When she expresses a need for help, I know I cannot afford it, but I do it anyway. And I like it when she comes to me for help. Recently she was talking about needing a new cell phone, but yesterday she told me she has decided it is a want, not a need and she won't get a new one. The sick, twisted part of my brain was disappointed, because I wanted to give her more money I cannot afford.

I can't believe I have shared all this. Attack me. Please. I need it.

[gayleggg]

We don't attack at PC, at least we try not to. But I have to admit you have pushed my buttons. Stringing along gf #1 is just wrong. You need to cut her loose and let her find someone that really cares for her and won't cheat on her even if it is emotionally only. As far as, girlfriend #2 is concerned I think you are being used but that is something only you can decide. Sending money you don't have to spend is putting you in finacial debt that you can't afford. You need to be open with your counselor. It is the only way that he/she can help you. And you do need help with this. I sincerely, hope you do get help with this before you get any further in debt.
Gayle

[InvisibleAlbatross]

Originally Posted by gayleggg

We don't attack at PC, at least we try not to. But I have to admit you have pushed my buttons. Stringing along gf #1 is just wrong. You need to cut her loose and let her find someone that really cares for her and won't cheat on her even if it is emotionally only. As far as, girlfriend #2 is concerned I think you are being used but that is something only you can decide. Sending money you don't have to spend is putting you in finacial debt that you can't afford. You need to be open with your counselor. It is the only way that he/she can help you. And you do need help with this. I sincerely, hope you do get help with this before you get any further in debt.
Gayle

You are nicer than I deserve

I know what I am doing is wrong, but I rationalize it, and then I beat myself up for the rationalization. I do realize how stupid this all sounds. I am afraid of hurting one, so I end up hurting both and myself. I know this will all blow up at some point and I deserve to have nothing in the end.

The terrible thing is knowing what I should do and not being man enough to do it. I hate that about myself more than I can possibly explain.

[InvisibleAlbatross]

Shrink appointment in 2 hours. I hope I don't lose my nerve to tell him all this.

[gayleggg]

Print a copy and take it with you. Then you can read it to him.
Gayle

[InvisibleAlbatross]

Wow, I took a very long break from this thread!

So I told my doc about this situation with the online girl and he told me I am being scammed. I fully expected him to say that. I explained that I am being used, but not scammed. Somehow they are different to me, but I may just be rationalizing. I was a bit annoyed when he cut me off and simply said to stop doing the same dumb thing over and over. I wish it were that easy!

And unfortunately I am still in this cycle of foolishness and embarrassment and shame. The real gf (ex?) was extremely supportive when my stepdad passed away a couple months ago, but the other girl was too. I have come to terms with the fact that I made a huge mistake. I should be working on ways to fix things with the real gf, even though she is currently far away. But I am still faced with the same doubts and self-loathing. And that's not fair to dump on her.

Even if I were to do the right thing and somehow work things out with her, I would still have the guilt of the wrong I have done. I have OCD and the biggest symptoms are hypermorality and intrusive thoughts. I cannot stop thinking about how bad I am for doing this, but I also believe that if I stop helping out girl #2, she will suffer and I will be condemned for that. I am stuck

I got quite drunk a couple weeks ago and tried to work up the nerve to slit my wrists. I failed.