[tillytot42]

Hi there I really want to offload as it seems to really help how im feeling. Am struggling with this depression,feel I will never be rid of it. I have been told many times I am too hard on myself but I can't seem to stop it.
I am 45 and am finding middle age very hard. I have fibromyalgia which has severely affected my life and has stopped me working. I feel like a nothing.
I have two teenage children who I love very much,I have been split from their dad for ten years. He is extremely hard to deal with. I am constantly worried about money and my future. I've lost both my parents and I am now living off my inheritance. It is disappearing fast but I have had financial advise.
I feel isolated from everyone,have had to cut some friendships because they were draining me. I don't hear from any of my other family,I have three half sisters and a half brother. Occasionally I see a friend but she is ill like me so I don't see her often.
I try to keep myself busy although sometimes that's hard because of my illness. I read a fair bit,walk my dogs so that I get exercise,have a healthy diet,all the things you are told to do but I just don't feel any better. I still miss my mum dreadfully,we were very close although she could be very difficult to cope with at times. She died nearly 3 years ago but I still can't quite get my head round it. I just feel lost .
After I split with my husband(he had an affair) I've never found anyone else. I went off the rails badly and slept with many many men which only crushed what little self esteem I had. I stopped that behaviour when I became ill and that was 4 years ago. I've tried two counsellors,the first one I really liked and the second one did me some serious damage I think. I can't go back to the first one as she was too expensive. After the second one was so awful to me I haven't been able to face having any more counselling,I've lost my faith in it.
I'm on a fair few drugs,including anti depressants for my illness. I'm doing all the right things to help me feel better but nothing seems to be working.
How can I ever get better?

[Rohag]

Hello, Tillytot42. Despite the range of topics your "offload" covers, it's brief. Please feel free to expand any or all parts of it.

You describe the kind of middle age that would be difficult for anyone - illness, isolation, broken relationships. It is all the more difficult for someone suffering from depression.

Originally Posted by tillytot42

...but I have had financial advise.

Excellent. Sometimes a good advisor in practical matters is worth more than psychological therapy.

Originally Posted by tillytot42

I have been told many times I am too hard on myself but I can't seem to stop it.

The roots of being hard on oneself often go deep. In my own case, I find my attempts to understand my own internal dynamics must involve investigating myself in the context of the entirety of my family to include the generations of my parents and grandparents.

But that's a long-term project, and I have no confidence the insights I may gather will help much in the present. By the way, that's a project I'm pursuing on my own without the assistance of a therapist. Sure, a therapist would probably be helpful, but it's not practical for me.

Keep on offloading, Tillytot42.