[Orbit26]

I am a massive piece of ****. In all honestly, I'm just wasting all of your resources. The person I hate the most is myself, though there are plenty of others I hate as well.

I shouldn't try. Everyone is better than me, and more deserving of love and happiness. I am negative in value. No one truly cares for me or loves me. Even any who would read this wouldn't care, because I'm worth less than anyone who'll ever visit these forums.

If I were to die now, or tomorrow, it'd be fine. No one's lives would be fairly interrupted by it. They wouldn't care, and would probably be happier that I wasn't there to waste their time and resources and bother and annoy them. A party would be in order, as to celebrate my long awaited passing. A funeral would be out of the question-- they'd just have to dump my body in the woods. Though, that'd also be useless, as no animal would dare even touch me, flies would avoid me like the plague, and bacterium would refuse to grow upon my corpse.

Recently, I learned how much better my cousin is than me. Of the family, my cousin is the crowned jewel. He relates to my father, grandfather, uncle, and the rest of my family as well. He gets all of their praise and attention, and functions extraordinary well in social environments, and gets everyone's love, attention and respect... unlike me. My father loves him more than me, as does everyone else. He is much smarter, physically attractive, healthier, stronger, taller, and... superior to me.

Even as I write this, I wonder if anyone will even read or care. I don't deserve any of your time or efforts, and all I deserve is a slow and arduous death. My mother was wholeheartedly right when she had said she wished she aborted me.

I am the opposite picture of my cousin. I am a fat, mentally-deficient, stupid, unlovable, socially-nonfunctional, binging, resource wasting, ugly, stupid piece of ****.

[H3rmit]

Orbit26, we're all "stupid" sometimes, and I understand feeling unloveable. I'm sorry you are so down on yourself. I am sure some of your self-judgments are wrong, and many would be disagreed with by many people.

Bingeing happens because we have a lot of pain. I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. If you want to chat sometime, let me know.

[odetojoy]

I read it and there is no one as worthless as you say you are. I am fat and not very attractive and some people think I am a waste but no one can say that my heart isn't golden. But even if I didn't have a golden heart, I would still be worth as much as anyone on the face of this earth and so are you! Who is another human being to say that you are worthless? Please don't fall for their negative words. Start talking and thinking about anything that you can find that is positive. That really does help. Thank you for sharing your thoughts I'm sure it wasn't easy. group hug

Orbit, there is an overachiever in everybody's family, so just sit back and watch the show. It sucks but I am a believer that it all evens out in the end.
And you are important to me because I am having a down day too. And I read your post and remembered to remind myself that even though it's not so good now, nobody knows what the future will bring. It just may be shockingly fabulous and exactly what I want.

You have quite a way with words, Orbit. I wish you a way out of your pain, but I pray you keep writing.

[gayleggg]

Orbit, you are a human being and no human being it that worthless. You have worth.

What a horrible thing for your mother to say. No child needs to hear that. That is on her not you.

You need to look for your strengths and not take anyone one else's opinion of what you are.

I'm sorry you are hurting so bad.

[SeekerOfLife]

Orbit, you do have value and worth. Choose to believe it. Say it out loud to yourself. I too suffer from poor self esteem. I feel you pain. My therapist encourages me to make progress, even if it is only baby steps. She had told me so many times that she is proud of me, that I have begun to tell myself the same.
Please be your own best friend. What would you tell someone you love if they feel the same way you are feeling.
Do something special for yourself everyday. I struggle with this one. But I have begun new habits that I hope will stay with me.

[Orbit26]

Originally Posted by H3rmit

Orbit26, we're all "stupid" sometimes, and I understand feeling unloveable. I'm sorry you are so down on yourself. I am sure some of your self-judgments are wrong, and many would be disagreed with by many people.

Bingeing happens because we have a lot of pain. I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. If you want to chat sometime, let me know.

Danke. I think some of them are wrong, but others times, I am not so sure. I am glad there are some who do care, however.

Yea... I hate having binged after the experience. Thank you, and I'd be willing to chat if you were to message me.

[Orbit26]

Originally Posted by odetojoy

I read it and there is no one as worthless as you say you are. I am fat and not very attractive and some people think I am a waste but no one can say that my heart isn't golden. But even if I didn't have a golden heart, I would still be worth as much as anyone on the face of this earth and so are you! Who is another human being to say that you are worthless? Please don't fall for their negative words. Start talking and thinking about anything that you can find that is positive. That really does help. Thank you for sharing your thoughts I'm sure it wasn't easy. group hug

Danke. I can relate, as I am medically obese and I consider myself, as do all of the people at my school and in my town, ugly. Thank you-- I'm not sure. It wasn't, and thanks for the replies, to you and everyone else.

[Orbit26]

Originally Posted by sophiesmom

Orbit, there is an overachiever in everybody's family, so just sit back and watch the show. It sucks but I am a believer that it all evens out in the end.
And you are important to me because I am having a down day too. And I read your post and remembered to remind myself that even though it's not so good now, nobody knows what the future will bring. It just may be shockingly fabulous and exactly what I want.

True, though I wouldn't say my cousin does it on purpose; it all comes naturally to him. I hope it shall even out.

Thanks, and everyone here is important to me. I hope it ends up like that for you, and danke for your time.

[Orbit26]

Originally Posted by coma

You have quite a way with words, Orbit. I wish you a way out of your pain, but I pray you keep writing.

Thank you-- I like to imagine that I am articulate. Also, thank you for the post. I write a lot, and if any want to see, I can link you to various things I've wrote.

[Orbit26]

Originally Posted by gayleggg

Orbit, you are a human being and no human being it that worthless. You have worth.

What a horrible thing for your mother to say. No child needs to hear that. That is on her not you.

You need to look for your strengths and not take anyone one else's opinion of what you are.

I'm sorry you are hurting so bad.

Thank you-- I hope you are right.

Perhaps, though I wouldn't say my mother was the best person I ever met. Quite the opposite. Thank you.

I am still searching for strengths. Thanks for you, and everyone else's, advice.

Thank you, and if you feel bad, I hope you feel better.

[Orbit26]

Originally Posted by seekersinking

Orbit, you do have value and worth. Choose to believe it. Say it out loud to yourself. I too suffer from poor self esteem. I feel you pain. My therapist encourages me to make progress, even if it is only baby steps. She had told me so many times that she is proud of me, that I have begun to tell myself the same.
Please be your own best friend. What would you tell someone you love if they feel the same way you are feeling.
Do something special for yourself everyday. I struggle with this one. But I have begun new habits that I hope will stay with me.

I like to imagine so. Thank you for the kind reply. I would be interested in getting a therapist, though, I can't until I live independently, on my own.

I can't quite say what I'd tell them, as it would be a heat-of-the-moment ordeal, most of which would come from my feelings than my thoughts.

Thank you. I am sure to struggle, but I may attempt. Thank you for your kind words.

[Clara22]

Orbit,
In addition to that I told you (that you are intelligent) your writing is something. I cannot judge grammar and so on (as I am a foreigner) but there is a lot of insight and not only that, you can communicate. I mean, when I read your post, I was "seeing" you, and representing the fact, I felt like you somehow. I do not belong to your generation, still, I could identify myself with you. That is something.
Your cousin: we are not inside him and we do not know how he really feels and how this "being the golden boy" is affecting his personality.
My sister was supposed to be the golden girl and the favorite one. My brother and I felt that. Before dying from cancer, my sister told me that all that was a torment to her. She had set high standards for her she later could not achieve. She felt frustrated many times. After she got married my mom stop calling her as the best one. Somehow, because I overcame my disability, went to live overseas and got a good job, my mom started to tell people about me. I did not know until recently, that my mom was so proud of me, she never told me. in fact, my mom was quite negative and apparently cold. My mom passed away a couple of weeks ago. My father 15 years ago. Once our parents are gone we understand they were just passengers here, like us. In fact, they are more companions than anything else. Life is complicated and many parents fail including ours. At certain point we believe they are giants, but they are just simple human beings. We have to build our own lives. :-)

Hi Orbit26, you can't possibly be a bigger piece of **** than me People would be very glad if I died, because they hate me and my presence. They also hate having to look up and see me, I can see they feel obliged to greet me for example when I walk into my working area in the morning. I just wish I had the you know what to tell them straight "hey, you really don't have to say hello, I know you don't want to, you wish I would just vaporize, rather be truthful and leave me alone, ignore and hate me, that's what you really want to do". I've tried making friends with people but I can tell that they just hate the attention. And girls, I don't even want to speak of them. I can see it in their eyes, they think "O gross, that man is so disgusting, I want to vomit at the thought of him even touching me!". I have a poor memory, but I don't think I've ever been hugged by someone other than my own mother, and except the great people on this forum of course.

Everything I do, I fail at, all due to my debilitating fear of, you guessed it, failure. I try way too hard with everything and others only laugh. They all get life, and I just don't. With everything, they always tell me - what the hell's wrong with you? It's so easy, all you need to do is ... blah, blah, blah. I can't stand it any more. Nothing is so clear cut for me, everything is grey. If I do X, I upset Y, if I do Y, I upset X. I'm now just at the point where I say, what is the point?

I just want to wish you all the best. For years I though that I was the only person who knew how this felt, and I really thank you for sharing your feelings. I totally understand the weight issue too, I'm also overweight. I got where I am because I found the love I so desperately seeked in chocolates, cakes, bread and that lovely global phenomenon of a Southern fried chicken franchise (I won't say out loud, but the one with that old man ) and that oh so addictive and fantastic bubbly cola heaven with the red ribbon label .

All the best, Adrian.

[Orbit26]

Originally Posted by Clara22

Orbit,
In addition to that I told you (that you are intelligent) your writing is something. I cannot judge grammar and so on (as I am a foreigner) but there is a lot of insight and not only that, you can communicate. I mean, when I read your post, I was "seeing" you, and representing the fact, I felt like you somehow. I do not belong to your generation, still, I could identify myself with you. That is something.
Your cousin: we are not inside him and we do not know how he really feels and how this "being the golden boy" is affecting his personality.
My sister was supposed to be the golden girl and the favorite one. My brother and I felt that. Before dying from cancer, my sister told me that all that was a torment to her. She had set high standards for her she later could not achieve. She felt frustrated many times. After she got married my mom stop calling her as the best one. Somehow, because I overcame my disability, went to live overseas and got a good job, my mom started to tell people about me. I did not know until recently, that my mom was so proud of me, she never told me. in fact, my mom was quite negative and apparently cold. My mom passed away a couple of weeks ago. My father 15 years ago. Once our parents are gone we understand they were just passengers here, like us. In fact, they are more companions than anything else. Life is complicated and many parents fail including ours. At certain point we believe they are giants, but they are just simple human beings. We have to build our own lives. :-)

Thank you. I cannot send you a reply as lengthy as yours, but all I can say is danke.

[Orbit26]

Originally Posted by StbGuy

Hi Orbit26, you can't possibly be a bigger piece of **** than me People would be very glad if I died, because they hate me and my presence. They also hate having to look up and see me, I can see they feel obliged to greet me for example when I walk into my working area in the morning. I just wish I had the you know what to tell them straight "hey, you really don't have to say hello, I know you don't want to, you wish I would just vaporize, rather be truthful and leave me alone, ignore and hate me, that's what you really want to do". I've tried making friends with people but I can tell that they just hate the attention. And girls, I don't even want to speak of them. I can see it in their eyes, they think "O gross, that man is so disgusting, I want to vomit at the thought of him even touching me!". I have a poor memory, but I don't think I've ever been hugged by someone other than my own mother, and except the great people on this forum of course.

Everything I do, I fail at, all due to my debilitating fear of, you guessed it, failure. I try way too hard with everything and others only laugh. They all get life, and I just don't. With everything, they always tell me - what the hell's wrong with you? It's so easy, all you need to do is ... blah, blah, blah. I can't stand it any more. Nothing is so clear cut for me, everything is grey. If I do X, I upset Y, if I do Y, I upset X. I'm now just at the point where I say, what is the point?

I just want to wish you all the best. For years I though that I was the only person who knew how this felt, and I really thank you for sharing your feelings. I totally understand the weight issue too, I'm also overweight. I got where I am because I found the love I so desperately seeked in chocolates, cakes, bread and that lovely global phenomenon of a Southern fried chicken franchise (I won't say out loud, but the one with that old man ) and that oh so addictive and fantastic bubbly cola heaven with the red ribbon label .

All the best, Adrian.

I wouldn't judge you to be a bad person. By your message, I can infer positive traits that I'd personally like to have in someone as a friend. Danke, mein freund.