[mulan]

One of the things that makes me feel better here is to realize that my symptoms are not so different from the symptoms of the others around here. There are many times I doubt I have depression and I fear to have something else because I don't have all the symptoms, I have things that don't come in those symptoms lists, and meds didn't work on me.
They say, for you to be depressed, you need to feel hopelless and sad, but I can't stop dreaming and fantasazing, so, even I can't make a move to get help, and I'm allways waiting for someone to reach me, even I had tried during years to talk with someone about my disease, I can't stop picturing my self doing great. I don't know if it is hope but it isn't hopelless. I also don't have late insonia or hipersonia, or eating problems. Dispate during the weak, when I have to get up early it takes long to start sleeping, but I know it is a psycological thing because I go to bed and I start getting worried about if I will sleep. I am allways tired and I know if I don't get the right amount of sleep I will get even less energy to study and do my paperworks. But at the weakend I sleep fine.
Well, I guess no one relates to me. It's not like I don't have negative thoughs, I have lots of them, specialy when I have exams and evaluations, when I interact with people. When I think about me working in the future. I know if I stay the way I am. I will have a not great future. But I can't stop dreaming and it is easy to forget reality and feel somewhat normal when I don't have nothing to do.
I will not write more because I know you get tired of read it too.

[Rohag]

Hello, Mulan.

Depression does not always present as continuous sadness. Uncontrolled thoughts, fatigue, emptiness, lack of motivation - all these and more can be signs of depression.

If I understand correctly, your "sleep latency" (the time it takes for you to fully get to sleep) is longer on the weekdays than on the weekend, and that in general you get better sleep on the weekend. Is this correct?

If so, then the stresses you feel during the work week may be interfering with your sleep. That in turn makes you more tired and stressed on top of being depressed.

Is there anything you think you could do to get better sleep during the week?

[mulan]

Yes, you understand it correctly. Sorry about my english, sometimes it can be difficult to understand.
I have been told that depression can assume many forms. And I do have many symptoms of it, but certanly there must be some limit to the symptoms. I guess making lists to have psychiatric disorders diagnosed can be somehow limited some times. But even so I wish I could knew someone feeling depression more or less as I do and being sure he/she is depressed and notice some effects with treatment. It would make me feel more sure about me.
Sleep and me have a long history. I can't find the right amount of sleep to feel fine. Not to lazy because I slept to much or not to tired because I slept to litle. I usualy take a benzo to sleep, I know that by now the dose that I have, hasn't already any effect on me, but still, just the fact that I know I take it makes me feel calmer and sleep better. When I do that on weekdays generaly I don't need much time to fall asleep and I don't take them on weekends, but still I have to wake up so early (at least for me) that I find my self needing some sleep time.
I realy wish I could find someone like me in some aspect, I haven't find a treatment that works and it makes me have serious doubts.

[Vossie42]

It's so frustrating when treatment doesn't work well. It makes me doubt myself, too. There are varying degrees of depression and other disorders. Perhaps clinically, you're on the less severe end of the spectrum. However, that doesn't minimize the legitimacy of your symptoms and the need for treatment. Keep trying!

[mulan]

Well I don't know if I have the less severe end of the spectrum. I do think, if I do have depression, it is a bad one. Because I barely have a life, I have nothing to fight for and I don't want to fight for anything. Sometimes I feel realy empty and disconected.

[Idiot17]

I know the feeling, but have no advice :-(. (((((mulan))))))

[mulan]

Originally Posted by Idiot17

I know the feeling, but have no advice :-(. (((((mulan))))))

Don't worry advices won't work on me. It is easy to know what is good for us, it is harder to do so. thank you for your feedback.

[regretful]

When I was in the throes of depression, I did not know what to do, or where to turn. I visited these forums looking for answers at first. But as time went on, I found support and encouragement here. Being a clinician myself, I was under the impression that I was not supposed to be depressed. But I found myself there anyway.

It was through the encouragement and support of others here on these boards where I came to some realizations: 1. I needed therapy 2. I needed a short course of medication 3. I needed to continuously push myself to do things that made life worthwhile.

Keep pressing on, and no matter what, never give up.

[mulan]

Originally Posted by regretful

When I was in the throes of depression, I did not know what to do, or where to turn. I visited these forums looking for answers at first. But as time went on, I found support and encouragement here. Being a clinician myself, I was under the impression that I was not supposed to be depressed. But I found myself there anyway.

It was through the encouragement and support of others here on these boards where I came to some realizations: 1. I needed therapy 2. I needed a short course of medication 3. I needed to continuously push myself to do things that made life worthwhile.

Keep pressing on, and no matter what, never give up.

Thank you... I'm on this forum for a while. I haven't found the answers or the courage to do something. I wish it was easier. I think I am the problem.
I have psychiatric issues since a kid, when I was a kid I had social anxiety. I never went through it, I just learn to live with it and ignore it. I really can't trust people, is very hard to let somoene in, if it isn't impossible. When I was a kid and I was sad, to show people how sad I was I use to tell them to go away, to let me be alone, and they did it and didn't return. I say so many times that I am fine over and over, and deep inside I hope people realize that I want them to help me, but of course they don't. There was even once at kindergarden, in wich I was sad, and my pre-school teacher tried to make me hapier. She lift me, ask me what I have, told me she was getting a candie for me and I bite her, because I couldn't support someone going into my feelings. When someone discovers something of my intimacy I feel so ashamed as if I was naked. My life it just a mess, over another mess, over another...the pile can't stop growing and it seems there is no way to get to the bottom (???).