I need help

I'm a perfectionist and I've always known that. I always want to be the best at everything. What I didn't know was that I was slowly tearing myself apart. I never realized that people aren't constantly ruminating about all the things that they've done wrong and everything they regret. I thought it was normal to look in the mirror and remind yourself of all your flaws and hope that something could hide it or make it go away. Some people around me would tell me that I was depressed and I would argue with them and tell them they're dead wrong and to just leave me alone and stop labeling me. It wasn't until my closest friend told me that I was depressed and she was scared and really wanted me to find help and be better. But I'm not willing to announce to the world that I'm not perfect and have huge problems that no one knows about. So I bought a book and it told me that with exercising and getting out and being involved and eating right and all this other stuff, that I could naturally fight off depression and help it stay away. On days I feel okay and then other days, I stay in my bed and don't want to talk or see anyone. I'm just so lost in life and don't know what to do anymore. I feel like there's no hope and that I'm going through all this hell for nothing. In my mind I feel like my friend is being selfish and making me feel guilty so I won't commit suicide. I just don't understand why I have to sit here and be miserable when everyone else is so caught up in their own lives and seem happy. Everyone I talk to doesn't understand how I feel and it's frustrating and I just don't know what to do anymore.

You have a friend. She (?) cares about you. So it's not like no-one does.

Yeah and right now she's the only one and I barely talk to her bc she's in college and is involved and has other friends. I'm scared for the day that I lose her bc she gets sick of me and doesn't want to deal with a depressed person anymore

Oh no! Don't ever think this about your friend! How would she feel? I'm sure if she has enough free time she would think about you. (Do you know what her "other friends" are like?)

Believe me, you are not alone in feeling the way you do. I have some slight OCD issues which cause me to try to do everything in a methodical, organized way which occasionally rubbed others the wrong way. When things weren't done to my standards it would drive me to distraction and when I couldn't be perfect I would become angry with myself. Earlier this year, after surviving my third attempt to ending it all, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder which looking back, I've pretty much experienced my entire life. People in my family just didn't understand how depression can ravage you, body and soul and have given up and ended all contact with me. I've been trying various medications (some helped a little and others not at all) and am currently participating in a clinical trial study in which a experimental medication is infused intravenously. I've noticed a big difference lately, but I still experience my dark moods.

Welcome to Psych-Central and I hope you're able to find something that works for you. On a side note I grew up in New York. Be well!