I just want to be okay

I'll take these big, long strides on the path to happiness. Friends, job with a sense of purpose, hobbies that truly make me feel accomplished and happy.

But it crumbles.. slowly at first.. and then dissolves back into the mess I've always dealt with.

I know I'm a strong person. I've been dealing with severe depression since I was 14. I'm 27 now. I just swallow my feelings deep down inside, and carry on.

But will I ever maintain happiness? Can I maintain a relationship? A job? Can I have a fulfilling life? Or will I be struggling uphill for the rest of my days. These are the thoughts that break me down. These nagging ideas that I will be alone for the rest of my life.

I've pushed everyone away. My friends, my family. My family will come back around, they always do. I'll make new friends, I always do. But how long will it last? What will happen when my landlord kicks me out someday? How will I cope if I'm homeless? When will my friends get tired of dealing with me?

Sometimes I want to just escape.. join the military. I don't think I'm capable of having a normal existence. I'm charismatic, friendly, smart, funny, athletic, a kind-hearted person, and truly want to be happy. But I suffer from severe depression and possibly bi-polar disorder. So my life is a struggle. Is it worth it? Will I be happy at the end? or will i have regretted living a life of ups and downs, with nothing to show for it?

I know I probably won't feel this way tomorrow.. or next week.. or however long it takes for this episode to pass. But why do I have to be like this?

ArrMCee, have you seen a psychiatrist or therapist. I can relate to your story and the crippling that depression can cause. I know I can't get by without medication and right now the medication is not working very well for me but my doctor is continually trying to get me better.

You sound like a very resouceful young lady. I'm sure you can get better but it may take help.