[ToeJam]

Well, of late I haven't been despondent or overwhelmed by suicidal ideation :thank (insert appropriate swearword here) for that:

Had the odd intrusive thought of 'wish I was dead'... but that's all it is and I'm finding it easy to ignore it.

On the flip side though, frustration and anger is becoming a bit of a pain in the rear... any hurdle, little or big is making me see red (wife is aware and handling it like a champ... I'm not physically or verbally aggressive towards her... but walls are fair game or just standing there looking like I'm about to implode... and perhaps to my shame, the dog has had the occasional 'bugger off' said to her when she comes near I make up for that by giving her lots of attention and fuss once I've calmed down)

I don't get it.. and I feel out of control when it happens... as if something else has taken over and forced the switch on the anger adrenaline button

Fed up with it.

Still at the stage of 'what's the point' on things... but as said above, putting up with it rather than being super negative or self destructive over it.

Will be seeing the Doc the day after new years day and the wife is coming too. Will mention about the anger.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by ToeJam

Had the odd intrusive thought of 'wish I was dead'... but that's all it is and I'm finding it easy to ignore it.

This is a big deal. The thoughts may not stop, but their not leaving prints on your mind is significant.

Originally Posted by ToeJam

...and I feel out of control when it [anger/frustration] happens... as if something else has taken over and forced the switch on the anger adrenaline button

Great description! I have out-of-control experiences, which we approach as more anxiety-related and possibly interconnected with a neurological issue. Yes, discussing it with the doctor is a Good Idea.

All considered it sounds as if you are somewhat more comfortable.

[Poppy Princess]

I get angry a lot too, and I'll hurt people I know. I don't care though. I don't really love those people, and I enjoy watching them get hurt.

[Clara22]

Thank you for posting! I was thinking about you, glad to know of your current status, despite remaining issues. I send you a hug

[purple orchid]

It may not seem like it but I think you are making some progress.
Please share all your feelings and thoughts with your Doc, they can only help if they know everything.
It's good that you have a supportive wife, hope you appointment goes well.
Please try to nice to the dog!

[Fuzzybear]

[ToeJam]

Originally Posted by Poppy Princess

I get angry a lot too, and I'll hurt people I know. I don't care though. I don't really love those people, and I enjoy watching them get hurt.

Well, on a personal level (without condemning or condoning your own preferences) I've never been able to willingly hurt others or especially enjoy doing so. Perhaps it's part of my makeup, but I just tend to shy towards tolerance, even with those who I probably should despise.

Saying that, others don't tend to hurt me even if they are intending to.

My anger most of the time is very internal... in the early stages of my depression I probably did lash out but I've learnt that the lashing out is a domino effect... that those who have had the misfortune of being under my verbal radar where certainly not at fault... they were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. As it stands now, I do my damn hardest to keep a lid on the 'lashing' as it's just a symptom of the anxiety (there I've said it... it probably is anxiety, I just don't like acknowledging that little pet hate of mine) and causes more harm than good.

Originally Posted by Clara22

Thank you for posting! I was thinking about you, glad to know of your current status, despite remaining issues. I send you a hug

Thanks Clara... mostly replying in general because of this post. Being a bloke and perhaps nonchalant when it comes acknowledging actual caring comments... I just want to ignore that defect of mine and say: thank you... it means a lot and I appreciate the sentiment

Originally Posted by purple orchid

It may not seem like it but I think you are making some progress.
Please share all your feelings and thoughts with your Doc, they can only help if they know everything.
It's good that you have a supportive wife, hope you appointment goes well.
Please try to nice to the dog!

I am trying to be nice to the dog... it isn't her fault... she's been getting extra attention the last couple of days.

[ToeJam]

Update - Doctors appointment

Saw the GP this morning and the wife came too... which was actually good for her own understanding (she said she felt more at ease afterwards).

He mentioned that the Anger is most likely due to the medication and that in terms of mind function, depression and anger share similar areas (or something to that effect). He seemed satisfied with how things have been over the last couple of weeks and was happy with my notion of going back to work, whilst giving the reassurance that I should play it by ear and not hesitate to come see him if things go tits up.

All in all, today went well... though as I write this I am feeling worn out and very tired... trying to keep a positive slant on things though

[gayleggg]

Glad today went well with your doctor and that your wife was able to be there, too. Going to the doctor always leaves me tired and worn out for some reason, too. Get some rest.

[ToeJam]

Well crap. This morning was bloody awful. Woke up in a foul mood, snapping at the littlest thing and just being a bull in a china shop... when I've barely woken up, all logic processes and general self control is non existent

Got to work and it had evolved into a strange comination of seething and depressed... or at least depressive thoughts of point again, I'm like a bloody broken record.

I think the following picture from Hyperbole sums it up pretty well:



[link]

Was so angry and frustrated with EVERYTHING.

Even wrote the whole 'ending it all' letter, which was basically a constructive rebuke of the lack of cohesive and generally crap care I've received.

When 12:15 came along (my time for getting some sleep) I dozed off pretty quick... and woke up feeling better. Kept the letter, but as said previously it's like someone else wrote it rather than the person writing this now.

These changes of mood and even thought patterns are infuriating... but on the + side, I rode it out.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by ToeJam

...letter...basically a constructive rebuke of the lack of cohesive and generally crap care I've received.

That could later prove valuable to you and others. It could even become the kernel of something creative.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Rohag

That could later prove valuable to you and others. It could even become the kernel of something creative.

[Clara22]

Hi
Thank you for sharing
Do you think it is the same zone of the brain, I mean, the physical area in the brain where depression would be located and the area of our anger? Or neighbors, at least? sorry if my question is not well written.
BTW, I love the pic, I thought it was me in the mirror (I am having an angry period, and giving some silence treatment to people, it is nasty, it is difficult to stop, though)

[ToeJam]

Originally Posted by Rohag

That could later prove valuable to you and others. It could even become the kernel of something creative.

Could probably do with a bit of refining but yes, is a good idea and I might explore bulking it out a bit in a level minded way.

Originally Posted by Clara22

Hi
Thank you for sharing
Do you think it is the same zone of the brain, I mean, the physical area in the brain where depression would be located and the area of our anger? Or neighbors, at least? sorry if my question is not well written.
BTW, I love the pic, I thought it was me in the mirror (I am having an angry period, and giving some silence treatment to people, it is nasty, it is difficult to stop, though)

I think I actually touched on that in my initial post (?) but yes I think they do share similar links in emotion.

[Clara22]

Oh! :-) Then I read your post and it kept floating in my mind and came back as a question