[herethennow]

sometimes it's just really frustrating to feel super down and sui.. without any trigger at all.

what's even frustrating is that i've been trying to relay this to my pdoc and T about how i am feeling.. and the first question they ask is "why? what were the triggers?" what's even more ironic is that they keep harping on the chemical imbalance theory. if they believe in that, then... isn't there going to be episodes where there is no trigger at all?

my reply to their answer: i'm just tired. of being in this war with myself everyday. i did not choose for this; i just don't want to continue fighting anymore.

sometimes it feels like i've grown accustomed to feeling this way..

anyone facing this frustration with their pdoc/T? :/

[gayleggg]

I got the feeling that mine has given up on me and doesn't know what to try next. Nothing seems to work and his hands have been tied because I have had no insurance and can't afford the new expensive drugs. I think he is getting frustrated with me. I can't break through this depression and sui thouhgts. It scared him when I told him I ordered my tombstone and had prearranged my funeral. I think then he started to take me seriouly, even though, I maily did it so my daughter wouldn't have to. I haven't been seeing a T due to money hopefully after the first of the year that will change too.

I don't know that either realize how tiring it can be to fight the depression. I can't find I have triggers either. I'm just always depressed.

herethennow, my current depression started 8/4 without any trigger at all, so I get it. I have explained this to both my pdoc and T. Neither seemed too surprised - - i.e., like it was something they hadn't heard before. My T keeps telling me to use cognitive behavioral approaches, trying to analyze my negative thoughts, or to exercise. I can try to change my irrational, negative thoughts all I want, but it just seems like an exercise in futility(no pun intended). Exercise might distract me briefly or make me feel a littler better with the supposed increased endorphins, but it's short-lived and back to the depression always. This triggerless depression just really seems to have a hold on me and, yes, it's extremely frustrating.

I keep thinking that because there was no trigger, it's got to be biochemical. Well, now I'm on antidepressant #2 since it started. Have only been on a low dose of Prozac (20 mg) for about a week, so it's probably too early to tell if it'll be the magic bullet that propels me out of this.

May I ask which antidepressant you're on (assuming you're on one)?

Also, this has gone on for so long for me too that it seems old hat. At the beginning I had some fight in me, but it just seems no matter what I try to alleviate the depression, nothing works (or very few things). Just know you're definitely not alone.

[Martek]

I don't know if there are triggers for me, I have felt bad for so long who knows when it actually started. I'm asked constantly what is making me sad, I really don't know it has just always been there.

[Rose76]

I kind of agree with your analysis of the "chemical imbalance" theory. I think there is a lot of room to have doubts about that theory. I've dealt with depression of my own for a long time, and I've worked in healthcare settings dealing with depressed persons. In my experience, there usually is a trigger. Mounting frustration, however, can seem to just come out of nowhere. I don't believe it does totally come out of the blue. We are so emotionally responsive to so many things in our daily lives that, sometimes, we lose track of what threw us for a loop.

In the end, it probably doesn't matter all that much what led to the depressive episode. What we care about is "how do we get out of it?" I don't think we can totally, or even largely, rely on meds to help because I don't think "chemical imbalance" is the whole story.

I've gotten very frustrated talking to pdocs and therapists. It can be maddening. It's true that we didn't choose to have these challenges of recurring depression. Once, a pdoc said that her only advice was that I "keep on fighting the depression." That made me so very angry and frustrated. But you know what? After many years, I've discovered that what she said was true. There is no other way toward sustained recovery, but through arduous struggle. That sucks . . . but that is what I've discovered.

It's like a soldier coming home from war with a terrible disability that takes loads of rehab in order to get back basic abilities. Also, that rehab isn't a matter of therapists doing things to you. It's you doing things, like the soldier going to the gym to exercise. For me, it ends up feeling like I have to do pretty much all of the work. Sometimes, I've wondered what the pdocs and Ts are getting paid for. Basically, they just sort of cheer us on.

[herethennow]

gayleggg: i'm so sorry to hear you're in so much pain, and that you have to share such things so that they'll start taking you seriously. hoping you'll get to see a T soon!

newgal, ah... for me, both does not seem surprised but both seem confused. hoping your antidepressant works! i'm on mirtazapine, 30mg. pdoc has been considering of increasing it to the max dose.. but i'm schooling right now so i don't want to get the side effects.

At the beginning I had some fight in me, but it just seems no matter what I try to alleviate the depression, nothing works(or very few things).

I find this true for me too they keep saying exercise.. but i find myself in tears after that.

martek: i feel the same way too

rose: i'm just saying that if it's a chemical imbalance, shouldnt there be no trigger to why we are so down? i know it all matters.. the disposition, the environment... and all that... i know we have to keep fighting. but it's like sometimes it gets so tiring that.. i don't feel like continuing on anymore.

i guess for me pdoc and T is there for me to have an outlet. but it gets frustrating when what i say does not come through.