Why am I the way I am?

I don't feel like I know where to start with the stuff thats going round in my head but I am going to have a bit of a rant to try and get stuff straight, sorry if its boring...

Okay, I guess I better explain the background of me a bit so it makes sense....

I am 22 years old, I suppose I have had various mental problems over the years, when I was a teenager I had OCD and Hypochondiasis (spelling?), I had CBT and although I didn't feel it helped and stopped going over the years I have learned to control my obsessions and although they have never gone away, they are managaeble.

I have also been depressed pretty much for as long as I can remember and totally socially useless.

I was prescribed fluoxetine at age 20 to help with this at 20mg a day, for the first few days I felt ill physically but mentally on top of the world...I suppose this was just a placebo effect and it didn't last long.
After a few weeks I went back to my doctors and the dose was increased to 40mg a day which I took for around 7 months, I suppose it kept the lid on my outbursts and depression in a way. They were still there but I didn't seem to be able to express them so much

My boyfriend at the time hated my depression which is why I went to the doctors in the first place and then decided he hated me being on medication even more and broke up with me. I resented the whole situation so much for costing me the relationship I expected to last forever, I stopped taking the Prozac and told everyone I was better.

My problem is, I don't think I am better any more and I have no reason to feel the way I do. I haven't had a terrible life, I have never had anything really bad happen to me and I feel I don't have the right to feel the way I do.

I'm just sick of being me and no-one listening to me or calling me a stupid emo kid if I try to tell people how I feel.

I'm sick of being tired all the time or not sleeping at all. I'm sick of feeling like the ugliest girl in the world. I'm sick of having no friends because I can't talk to people or look them in the eye incase they see what I'm thinking.

I hate the fact I'm £2000 in debt because I can't control my shopping addiction, I hate that when I actually go out with my only friend I get drunk and end up crying and making a fool of myself.

The only good thing in my life is my job and I'll lose it if I'm not careful because my boss says I'm not on the planet half the time and need to sort myself out.

I get these terrible rages sometimes and I'm worried that I'll lose control one day and just walk out of my job or do something equally reckless that I can't talk my way out of. I'm not dangerous and I would never hurt anyone or anything. I also can't concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes which is driving me mad!

I feel like I'm not good enough for anything...I have no talents, I can't sing,draw,cook or write. I feel ugly and that everyone wishes I just wasn't around although I would never kill myself as it would destroy my mother and anyway...I don't want to die, just kill the part of myself that I hate and leave the good bits that are in there somewhere.

I'm sick of being all over the place all the time like the world is ending but I'm really excited too. I have ideas at 1 million miles an hour but I feel too down to do any of them , surely I'm too old for teenage moodswings at my age? How is it possible to be depressed and happy at the same time?

I suppose I should go back to the doctor but I'm afraid he'll either say theres nothing wrong with you and no-one will help me or even worse that he'll say I'm totally insane and my life as I know it will be over. I can't afford therapy and I don't feel it helps me anyway...I just want to be normal!

I'm sorry for such a long boring rant but I think I just need to write it down because I don't have the eloquence to say any of it.

Sorry again for the rant!

I wish I could say more...

Aawww honey.... to begin with, you didn't need the bf if he ditched ya that easily...AND.. i think the doctor can help you...what about bipolar?i dont' know anything about it really.. except a couple of friends have it.... might be worth checking into...

Just don't believe all that negative stuff your head is telling your heart about YOU.... God don't make no junk... have you ever heard that saying?Well. its true.. and you just have to find your "nitch".. where you feel comfortable with yourself....

I hope you feel better soon..Faith

OMG my love you sound just like how i feel everyday,i am brgining to look into bipolar so i suggest that you do too.I lost a seven yr relationship because i was the mental one i noe believe although i seriously believe she has mdhd as did her son,but besides that my own undiagnosed illness couldnt cope.

I'm so sorry! You know, I think you should go back to your doc and explain to him how you feel. I'm sure he can help you.

It sounds like your BF never understood you anyways and I'm sure there is someone else out there that will understand.

I am wishing the best for you.

Take care,
Linda

Hi again everyone

I am feeling a bit better today than yesterday although I had a bad night and woke up at 4am and couldn't go back to sleep because I was feeling what I can only describe as crazy because looking back at it today I was clearly losing the plot with the things I was thinking.

Maybe I'm just tired, I don't know, just kind of feeling low now but much much calmer than in the night.

In response to Wanting and Faith, I have thought about Bi-Polar before but I'm no expert on it. My highs don't seem to last long enough from what I've read online about it, more hours or a few days or even at the same time as the lows, rather than weeks and separately, although I did score 36 on the Bi-Polar test here so I'm not sure...like I said I'm no expert but it seems like a really scary diagnosis to recieve and I'm not sure I'd be ready to accept it if it was true.

IThanks to you all for your comments and support and I really do appreciate peoples opinions.

(((polka))) I have to agree with the bipolar stuff, and also I know how hard is to know that, that can be a posiblity.
I'm sorry you are feeling this way, life is hard enough already and having these feeling doesn't help at all.
~pm me anytime~
~hugs~