[Dan208]

I've been in kind of a rut for the last month or so. I was diagnosed with mild depression, social phobia and GAD a couple of years ago and was put on Lexapro. I decided after less than a year that I didn't want to have to rely on drugs so I stopped cold turkey (stupid decision, I know). Things were going pretty good for a while until earlier this year my anxiety came back pretty strong. I decided that maybe I needed the meds and started seeing my pdoc again in October. She put me back on the Lexapro with the same dosage (20mg). It seemed like things were looking up at first. The anxiety was gone, I was happy, and actually started interacting with people, which is very unusual for me. I don't know if this was only a placebo effect or not because it only lasted for the first couple of weeks.

Anyway, shortly after the effects wore off I kind of sunk into a greater depression than I've ever been in before. I've had the "blues" for as long as I can remember, but have been able to pull myself out of it and have generally been a happy person. This is something different. It seems like more days than not I'm down in the dumps, feeling like I'm worthless and can't get motivated to do anything. Sometimes it's like pulling teeth to do the most simple tasks, like emptying the dishwasher.

I have been doing A LOT of thinking lately about the past, missing family members that have passed almost to the point of it being as painful as they died just yesterday. I'm not necessarily wishing I could go back to that time (I'd miss my wife and daughter horribly) but I wish that things could be like they were and my relatives were still here.

I've not been diagnosed with OCD, but I've noticed that my "compulsions" seem to be getting worse also. Checking to make sure the doors are locked multiple times, showering and drying off a certain way, etc.

Well, enough rambling. I see my doc again in mid-January. Does anyone think she might try new meds since the Lexapro doesn't seem to be working anymore? I'm so tired of feeling the way I do but don't know what to do about it.

I am so sorry you are struggling. I can relate to a lot of what you posted. I too have been struggling lately. My advice is to just take it one day at a time and do the best you can. That's all you can do. I would discuss all of this with your doctor and see what she thinks about your medication. Hang in there!

[Rose76]

I'm sorry, Dan, that your depression is out of control. I'm very familiar with how that feels. It is disabling.

My own experience with pdocs is that they are quite willing to try different meds. I've learned thru bitter experience not to hang too much of my hope on the meds. An old med that I've used for a long time, amitriptyline, does make an important difference for me. I don't think I'll ever stop taking it. But it doesn't really prevent depression. It makes it easier for me to do what I need to do. In that way I am better able to climb out of depression. But I keep falling into the pit and having to climb out over and over. I was on a slew of meds. That slew didn't make things better. So I'll stick to this one drug that I trust.

It's interesting to me that you have symptoms of anxiety. It has seemed to me that depression can be the result of anxiety. Anti-anxiety meds, like benzos, didn't help me much either. I think the main thing is to stick with your meds in an organized fashion. That's one leg of the stool, so to speak. The other legs are to have an organized pattern for your daily living - awfully hard to keep to when depression comes down . . . and to have some satisfying interaction with other humans - awfully hard, also, to manage when you are depressed.

I don't think your Lexapro stopped working. I really believe that the meds do the same thing one day as another. How we feel changes because our lives are very different from one day to another.

It could be that the Lexapro never did you any good in the first place. Maybe you just hit an interval where you were improving for reasons independent of taking the Lexapro. When people say that controlling depression is a matter of "getting on the right med" I can not connect with that at all. A number of things have to go right and a helpful med is just one component . . . and possibly not the most important component.

If you are grieving the loss of people you have loved, no pill can fix that. My theory is you have to crowd out the grief with caring about new things in your life that mean something to you.

Not everyone who goes through an experience of terrible loss becomes chronically depressed. I think that's because they get too interested in the things they still have in their lives after the loss. And they go on to bring new things into their lives. Also, the support of others is huge. If you don't have a good network of social support, then that is probably a lot of the problem. Humans are not designed to deal with things all on their own. If you have had to do that a lot in your life, then you have known a terrible stress that I think is worse than the loss you are dealing with.

Caring friends can't just be manufactured out of thin air, though. Maybe you could talk a little more about your losses and about what you have for social support. I hope you find coming to PC helpful. It's not the total answer, either. No one thing is. It takes putting together a lot of things that help a little.

[Onward2wards]

((( Dan208 ))) I appreciate how you feel and can relate to some of your symptoms (and wow, I'm in Kansas, too!).

It takes putting together a lot of things that help a little.

Thanks, Rose, that is good advice.

[Dan208]

Thank you all. I'm feeling a little better today.

I realize that meds probably won't cure all my problems, but will hopefully give me the boost that I need.

In the past I know that the depression was caused by my anxiety and social phobia, but now it just feels "different". It's hard to explain. The anxiety is still there but it doesn't seem to me that it's what is causing the depression to be worse. It's more of the feelings of being a failure, not worth anything, etc that seem to be causing it now.

I do think that my weight and body image has a lot to do with things. I don't look overweight, and people tell me that I carry the weight well and don't look like I weigh what I do, but "technically" I am overweight. I told myself that I wouldn't let myself get to 200lbs, but my overeating has been rampant for the last few months. I pulled out the scale yesterday, and lo and behold I'm at 201lbs. I do go to the gym to lift weights pretty regularly, and we have a treadmill at home that I use occasionally, but I find that getting motivated to exercise wears me out more than the actual exercise itself. I've never been a particularly motivated or driven person.

Anyway, my brain is all jumbled up right now and I can't really think of more to respond with (this is something else that tends to happen to me quite a lot ). Thanks again for the replies.

[Rose76]

I'm glad you feel a little better today. I hope tomorrow is a little bit more better. No matter how much you don't believe it, there is wonderfulness in you.

[Dan208]

Originally Posted by Rose76

No matter how much you don't believe it, there is wonderfulness in you.

Thank you. Sometimes I feel that the only good thing I've ever done in life is my daughter. Then I do things (too down/lazy to play with her) and feel like the worst parent in the world but still can't work myself up to playing with her.

I think that another part of my depression is this: I'm the oldest of three boys. A lot of people joke that the oldest siblings get all the "good" genetics and the youngest gets the "leftovers". It seems to be the opposite in my case. I'm the one with the mental issues, bad eyesight, back problems, heart condition, etc. I try to tell myself that things could be worse, but most of the time it doesn't help and it makes me so mad that I can't just "get over it".

[Auntie2014]

I know that for me November to May are very hard months. There are too many sad memories in my life during this time and I do need to work harder to stay up. One of the reasons I am here right now. I also have started my new year with goals. I have a new journal started yesterday just for goals and trying to stay positive. At this point I am only doing daily goals or what I call TD5.s ( 5 things to do today) If I get the first list done before noon then I do another TD5 for the afternoon. Then at the end of the day I try to give myself a pat on the back for what I did do for the day. It has helped in the past so I am ready to do it again.

I am also trying to work through some of my grief by doing some journaling with journal prompts related to the family members I have lost. I went on line and printed out a ton of prompts just to get me started. And have a book with 365 quotes that I want to use with the journal.

I hope you can find something that you enjoy and can work through the down times so you are feeling better soon. Good Luck!