[hidden_away]

It's been really hard for me the last few years. I'm only 15, but it seems like I've been battling with a war in my head for ages. Looking back on my time in elementary school, middle school, and my first year I've high school I've realized that I've always battled with rejection and loneliness. Throughout the midst of it all I've also realized that I've had no close friends to confide in and the two people in my past who I used to call my best friends are now strangers. When I first thought I had depression I felt as though I didn't really have it like the many other people out there who struggled with it. I would hate myself because I thought that I was just throwing a pity party for myself when there were other people out there who had legitimate causes for depression. Yeah my parents got a divorce and my father was emotionally abusive and yeah I didn't have any close friends, but that didn't mean I was really depressed, right? I went through these periods when one day I would sit at my desk and just cry and all I could think about was killing myself and then the next day I felt like I had just overreacted and was back to my "normal" self. It's been like that for a while, but now going into the new year I realize that I can't change. I go through these horrible times and then eventually I have the courage to bring myself out of it, until eventually I just fall again. I've realized that I can't change because I don't have anyone. After middle school I went to a private school where I didn't know anyone and I thought it was the great fresh start that I needed. I thought that I would have new friends and a boyfriend and I would be happy. At first I had a close friend, but now we've become strangers and I feel like I'm stuck. I used to always go to bed dreaming of this amazing life when a friend or a boyfriend would really care about me and rescue me from torture I keep enduring, but now I'm starting to lose hope to the point where I can't even image this better life because it seems impossible. If I wasn't so scared of killing myself I would have done it already because I desperately want to die. I want to die and I know that it won't really affect anyone because I have no one. I don't know what to do or how to help myself.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Hidden_Away.

Your agonies are real no matter your age. Getting the right people to take them seriously may be a challenge. Is your mother open to discussing your symptoms? Does your school have counselors or a nurse in whom to confide?

Please keep posting and looking around what's here.

[hidden_away]

As far as my mom goes there was one time when I was feeling depressed and suicidal and I wrote down everything that I was feeling and I put the note on her bed. After she read it I didn't really get the response I thought it would have. At first she asked to talk but I said later because I was afraid to look her in the eye and tell her everything. After that she just stopped caring. I know she doesn't understand how I feel because she thinks I can just choose happiness and it's my fault that I'm depressed. I guess after that O just don't know who I can open up to and who I can trust.

[Marla500]

please hang in there and keep posting, you are welcome here and we care

[Charlotte50]

Originally Posted by hidden_away

It's been really hard for me the last few years. I'm only 15, but it seems like I've been battling with a war in my head for ages. Looking back on my time in elementary school, middle school, and my first year I've high school I've realized that I've always battled with rejection and loneliness. Throughout the midst of it all I've also realized that I've had no close friends to confide in and the two people in my past who I used to call my best friends are now strangers. When I first thought I had depression I felt as though I didn't really have it like the many other people out there who struggled with it. I would hate myself because I thought that I was just throwing a pity party for myself when there were other people out there who had legitimate causes for depression. Yeah my parents got a divorce and my father was emotionally abusive and yeah I didn't have any close friends, but that didn't mean I was really depressed, right? I went through these periods when one day I would sit at my desk and just cry and all I could think about was killing myself and then the next day I felt like I had just overreacted and was back to my "normal" self. It's been like that for a while, but now going into the new year I realize that I can't change. I go through these horrible times and then eventually I have the courage to bring myself out of it, until eventually I just fall again. I've realized that I can't change because I don't have anyone. After middle school I went to a private school where I didn't know anyone and I thought it was the great fresh start that I needed. I thought that I would have new friends and a boyfriend and I would be happy. At first I had a close friend, but now we've become strangers and I feel like I'm stuck. I used to always go to bed dreaming of this amazing life when a friend or a boyfriend would really care about me and rescue me from torture I keep enduring, but now I'm starting to lose hope to the point where I can't even image this better life because it seems impossible. If I wasn't so scared of killing myself I would have done it already because I desperately want to die. I want to die and I know that it won't really affect anyone because I have no one. I don't know what to do or how to help myself.

Dear Hidden Away,
Please know you're not alone - I've battled depression on and off my whole life and know exactly how you feel. It's so important to get help - you can't fix this on your own. If you don't think your mother can help, call your local Crisis Helpline and ask them for references. Do you have a doctor you could call? Making that call is the first step. Believe me, I've been there and know the difference help makes - it's like night and day. Do keep posting and let us know when you've made that call.

Take care.

[herethennow]

Hi Hidden Away,

welcome to PC!

Like what others have asked you, is there any way of you getting the proper help you need? I know school can be tough, and you're battling a war by yourself... I did that and my grades were so badly affected. My mom is the conservative type so I couldn't get the help I need (and so I went in secret)

Hoping that you can find the help you need here too