[TheJettSet27]

Not just for the guy I like. For happiness.
For an absence of delusional guilt. For the ability to smile when something funny happens and not have the smile be fake.
There's a pit in me and at the bottom of that pit is a black hole and I'm getting pulled in. Soon, I'm going to get stuck in the event horizon and as everybody moves on with their lives I will remain almost the same. Years will go by, and as my friends and loved ones grow old, I will barely age, and stay sad and hopeless.
I can feel the longing in my heart, for this and more.
What hurts the most, though, is that I know that in two days when I go back to school I'm going to see him again and the pain will start all over. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and I just know I'm going to melt when we speak. I'm hurting already - preemptive pain - and it's only going to quadruple in strength.

Why can't I just be okay for once?

i think you are more okay than you think.............

1) You are able to express what you are feeling. that tells me that you can still think. that may sound like a stupid statement to some - but as depression worsens - it can become REALLY hard to simply "think". Or to notice what is going on inside of you.

2) You are still young. That means you have a lot of good things ahead of you AND you still have enough "fight" in you to care.

3) You are creative. Terms like "black hole" and "pit" are really not super common. That shows me that you have some creativity. Some brains.

Guys will come and guys will go in your lifetime..... you are BIGGER than that. I hope you will realize that they are hundreds of guys who could only dream to have someone as special as you in their lives....

Hang in there

[oifsnafu]

"Why can't I be okay?" is a question that resonates. The depression, for me anyway, can be crippling. Without meds I get to the point of barely functioning.

That being said, depression is a filter. A black lens through which we, as depressives, have to view the world and our place in it. It makes it so hard to see ourselves realistically...to have an accurate sense of perspective. You used "event horizon" in the context of simile about a black hole. That puts you intellectually and creatively forward of about 90% of the people I know. Not a judgment on them. Just an objective observation. Depression makes it hard to see that. Hell...being human makes it hard to see that (a closed system cannot accurately analyze itself). Unfortunately, having insight...having the gift to see what so many others can't...it can open you up to some harsh truths.

"When you have to attend to things of that sort, to the mere incidents of the surface, the reality—the reality, I tell you—fades. The inner truth is hidden—luckily, luckily. " Joseph Conrad, Heart of Darkness (he had depression too).

Be careful about relying on somebody else for your sense of who you are. I know...who could take that advice? It's in our nature...that incredible longing for connection. Romantic love. It's like...it's like a socially acceptable form of insanity...a palatable delusion...that we can get that sense of wholeness by establishing a connection with another mind, another soul. If you read up on the neuro-chemistry in relationships...about the inevitable cycles...about the cause of that sense of being ADDICTED to another human being...well, I don't know...it helps me cope with the realities of the human condition and the twin devils of that desire and its inability to be satisfied.

There are other forms of connection that are, less stimulating for sure, but also less dangerous. Friends. Family.

In short, remember the filter will keep you from seeing the facets of yourself that shine...but they are there. Beware the pitfalls of romantic love as a depressive. Do some research. Learn the truth behind the societal curtain (i.e. Love ala Disney...happily ever after).

Best of luck, one depressive to another.

Peace.

[Fuzzybear]