[Unstable29]

Hey,
Unstable here not sure where to begin with everything that's been bothering me so I will just start from the beginning and hope I don't lose your interest along the way! I feel my life ended on October 7,1996 I was 12 at the time and I had a great family two loving parents and a loving young brother who was 10. Seemed just like a nightmare that morning I was woken up to the blood curdling screams of my mother! Peaking mine and my fathers curiosity we came out of our bedrooms and headed toward the stairs dazed and confused looking at each other. My mother came screaming up the stairs repeating don't go down stairs please don't go down stairs! She looked so scared thinking we had been robbed me and my father pushed past her as she begged us not to but curiosity got the best of us and boy did it! In the dining room lie my 10yr old brother with a gun in hand lying on the floor in blood. Without any need to go further into detail that day is forever imprinted in my memory and it never fails to bring tears to my eyes. That day I died inside! I loved my brother with all of my heart and I will never know why he did what his did and that hurts the most not knowing why??? Maybe he was depressed we did lose a very close uncle just a few months before, the uncle was a heavy drinker and had many struggles with depression and sexual abuse he killed his girlfriend and then himself. So with that being said maybe my brother just suffered so deep inside with the loss of his uncle that he did what he did. Either way I can analyze it until I'm blue in the face and it won't change anything. Life for me has just never been the same given all the death and loss. I feel as though I lost my parents when I was younger they had such a hard time dealing with the loss of loved ones that they took to drinking alcohol to I guess numb the pain. In return I feel they had forgotten about the child that was still alive and desperately needed her family more than ever! Angry you're damn right where were they when I needed them. I think maybe I wouldn't be so screwed up in the head if they had only gotten me the proper help at an early age. So anyway here I am 29 and a hot mess mentally,physically and emotionally. Relationships have failed, friendships don't last, I alienate myself from people. Sometimes I just can't be bothered with other peoples judgements on how I should just move on with my life. I do the best I can which recently I have just given up hope. My weight is out of control, my marriage just sucks, I have began cutting myself again. The pain I feel inside is just so horrible I really don't want to die but how can I go on? I have been strong my entire life but honestly how much can the human mind endure? I feel so alone in this world there is a part of me that wants to continue on but then I look back and see all the hurt and pain and I look forward and think what's next wth is next? Is life as they say worth living for? Why is it so wrong to honestly say "you know what I have lived though it may not have been long to some it feels like an eternity to me". Why is that society or the normies as I call them want to see me live and push forward? Well that' s my rant/story. I hope it makes sense to someone out there! Thanks for reading =(

[gayleggg]

I'm sorry for the loss of your brother and for losing your parents to their grief. You deserved better. You needed help it wasn't there. I'm not surprised you are still carrying this around with you. Without help to process that terrible morning you couldn't have sorted it out on you own. I hope you are seeing a therapist, if not, please give it a lot of consideration. I think you need help getting through this with a professional. Take care.

[niceguy]

Firstly, while it is an overwhealmingly horrible situation and trials you have lived through. the reality, that you have not yet given up, must give you hope.
I think you are immensly strong person to survive and keep trying. Sure the cutting is not ideal, however it is obv to avoid the realities that surround you.
You have to make peace with what happened. it was not your fault. I think thats prob key in moving forward. Not to forget, but for your forgiveness. You cannot change what has happened, you can only change your future from where it is headed.
You have more to give to the world than the current state you find yourself or your future in.

Best of luck, babe. I am here should you want to talk further.

[mountainstream]

(((((Unstable29)))))

[LifeIsCruel]

Unstable29..my heart goes out to you You, like myself, have been dealt some very unfavorable circumstances in life friend. My condolences for your losses, I know this is difficult, as I lost my father in 2007 and I tell you, it has been very challenging for me. I have seen 21 "professionals" in mental health....the one who really helped me was a specialist in Bereavement Counseling. This therapist was awesome! Might be worth checking out?

PM me anytime...I am here to help

[Fuzzybear]