[Skyral]

I have an ugly personality, and I can't stand it. I'm trying to figure out a way to stick all my scattered thoughts together to create a coherent post.

I've struggled with depression since I was 11 or 12, seems really young, but looking back I realize that was the beginning. I'm 15 now (not sure if there's an age limit here). I've just gotten uglier and uglier over the past years. When I was a little girl I was super happy, and I had the best relationship with my mother possible. But now I'm ruining it. Not just with her, with everyone. People tell me to open up and "be myself" but I hate who I am. I'm always trying to recreate myself, but it never works.

Last night my mom called me selfish, cowardly, lazy, unappreciative, and revolting. And honestly, I have to agree. I'm terrible to her. I'm tired and irritable all the time, and even though I love her, I always snap and yell at her.

I feel like everyone would just be better off without me. I don't impact anyone's life positively enough for anything I do to be worth it. I get ****** grades, hurt everyone close to me, smoke too much pot, self harm, and probably have some kind of eating disorder. Anything good about me is disappearing.

And while everyone around me has a future, I just see bleak nothingness in front of me. I'm into art. Great, except that most artists never make it. I'm stupid in almost all my other subjects, can hardly do eighth grade math like finding slope. Nothing makes me happy, except sleeping, if that counts. There doesn't seem to be anything (or anyone, for that matter) out there for me.

I'm sorry if it seems like I have a pissy 'poor me' attitude. I just really need to vent. A couple years ago I told my friends that I cut and some other problems i have, and they laughed at me, so I don't really feel safe talking to anyone about this kind of stuff. I'm afraid it'll seem like I'm complaining.

Thanks in advance to anyone that replies. I guess I'm just looking for help, or advice, or anything, if it matters.

[Yoda]

Feel free to vent. Sometimes you just gotta.

Welcome to PC. I hope you find the support you seek and an audience for you to vent to when you need us. Just make sure that you ask for help, criticism or fresh ideas when you are wanting more than just to vent.

Hey there! Welcome to PC!

First off, you feeling guilty about acting grumpy shows me that you aren't a bad person with an ugly personality but instead a hurt person with who is lashing out. And at 15, hey, blame at least half of it on hormone changes haha. Also, I'm sorry for what your mother said because that's definitely not true. She's probably extremely sad and stressed that she can't help you and can't get through to you. And her lashing out at you has made you feel even worse about yourself. I can tell you're beating yourself up a lot and it looks like you've been trying really hard to change. Change is really hard and often times the slowest thing in the world. Give yourself time to grow and please be gentle with yourself. You're still very young and growing pains are tough at anytime but puberty is really some of the worst. I think, perhaps it might help a lot if you had a heart to heart with your mom? Explain the way you have been feeling about yourself and it'll give you a chance to apologize for snapping at her. Clearing the air is always nice along with asking her to help you.

Second of all. I'm a major art junkie (Art Club VP of my high school haha) so let me tell you that there are a LOT of positions open in the art field. Yes it is a demanding job. Yes a lot of people get underpaid. BUT, there is a need for people with graphical art experience in logo making, web design, etc. And storyboard artists for commercials, movies, etc. Along with many individual artists who don't work for corporations who make plenty of money. If art is a passion of yours, please by all means, pursue it! (Of course, try the best as you can with other subjects but if art is what you love don't let anyone stop you!)

I hope things start getting better soon! And keep us posted in how it goes! Best of luck!

[Unstable29]

Hello and welcome! Have you asked your school counselor for help? See if they can get you into a support group of some kind?

Ugly person.?.?.?

I thought you were speaking to me. "paging" me.

:/

[Clara22]

Hi Skyral,

Welcome! When I was 15 I felt like you. I felt terrible. There is something about adolescental development that comes with extreme psychological pain, impulses, etc. But I am not sure about your case in particular.

BTW, your insightful message reminded me an episode of my life when I was 15: there was this girl at the school. She was younger than me, she was an excellent student and had a rare beauty. She was a fashion model being only 14 (at that time it was not that common as now). I did not like her much (I guess it was envy as I was not feeling well about myself).

One day, she had to do some performance at school and I had to make up and dress her. Then, I got to know and like her better. She had great plans and all calculated. I saw her as somebody accomplished and with a brilliant future. I wondered how some people could be that successful that early. I compared myself to her. Her successful image was particular relevant to those moments when I used to trash myself and feel miserable.

But one day she had a car accident. She was with her family in a car, his dad was driving. They all were going to a show she need to perform in. Her legs where smashed so doctors had to cut her legs. As she had another body organs affected, she could not survive. I went to her wake. I could talk to her mom and her sister. You cannot imagine the desolation of those people. It was a wake-up call for me about the fragility of life. She and all her perfection, and her promising future, were gone in a second.

I read that as human beings, our tendency is to compare ourselves with others—over and over again. Demoralizing and useless as it is, we keep doing it. I do not know why I engaged in such mental activity? It did not make me feel better, it did not motivate me to excel, either. The "ideal" girl was gone.

What’s that mental comparison thing you do ever done for you?

I don't have a lot of advice about your behavior but I would like to invite you to say: “Enough!” Let’s stop mentally assessing your worth by comparing it to others.

You are worthy, Skyral.

(PS: Also, I had a car accident two years later, but that is another story)