[jagenzwei]

I sometimes look at my exhusbands' new wife's facebook (I am not her 'friend', it is public) to see if they post any pics of the kids....why do I torture myself with this? He proposed to her on valentine's day a couple of years ago and they got married last year. He showers her with jewelry and expensive gifts. Why, why, WHY does this bother me SO MUCH????????? She was sleeping with him while we were still married, and she was one of many, many affairs of his and I seriously doubt the last. People like him don't change.

It still just bothers me. Once or twice he would buy me a rose. You know, from the store where he bought his cigarettes and it probably happened to remind him that it was Valentine's day. Why do I let all of those terrible, horrible years still hurt me so deeply? How do I stop this cycle of pain?

Why did he hate me so much, why did he feel like I wasn't worth anything? It just hurts so much to be rejected, I've always been rejected and it is just like ripping the scab off every damn time. I hate him. I try not to hate him, but I do. I hate him for hurting me so much. I hate him for rejecting me. I hate him for lying to my face day in and day out and then swearing he wasn't sleeping around when I proved over and over again that he DID. I'm not married to the piece of crap any more, why do I STILL hate him so much? Will this ever go away?

I feel like such a big freaking baby. I'm married now to a good man, and for that I am so thankful. But I feel like I am stuck in this horrible rut of self loathing and that it is just destroying me. I want to be free of him.

I don't really have too much advice because I have a hard time letting things go myself but I would delete the contact info and block the facebook. It's definitely not good for you to look back and hurt from things like that. I would suggest to avoid all evidence of it and just let time do it's thing. It doesn't always work and sometimes you have to confront the issue but I feel like time really does help.

I think, something important to note is that he has obviously moved on and the bitterness and pain you carry is only hurting you. Especially with hating him, it's like swallowing poison and expecting him to keel over. It really does suck and I'm very sorry that he did that to you. With self worth though, it's more about being gentle with yourself you aren't a big baby. He obviously hurt you really badly and you need time to recover so give yourself sometime. And be gentle with yourself. Stern when it comes to thinking about him (avoid it) and think about how much better you have it now. And remember, the best victory is to show the world (specifically him) how much happier you are now and than you were with him

Best of luck!

[Curupira]

Are you seeing a therapist. They might be able to help you process your feelings and take positive steps twoards letting go.

[gayleggg]

I agree, therapy would be a good idea. You need to get this hate out of your spirit. It will only taint everything else. As one who's been there. Letting go of the hate was the best thing I ever did. After all, it wasn't hurting him, only me. It will take time but it can be done. Good luck to you.

[marmaduke]

Facebook can be quite toxic at times. Its hard not to just 'take a peek' at whats going on.
I makes me feel sick when I look at my ex husbands page, to see him cuddling his new wife's grandchildren.
This from a bloke who barely bothered with his own children. Its very hurtful.
Best to keep away from facebook.

[jagenzwei]

Something gave me a little mood lifter today, well, other than a shower...I was looking through my email for something and found emails from me to other people from years ago, and I just cried a lot from reading some of them because I MISS ME. I miss that annoyingly happy cheerful person that people swore was on 'something' because no one is that happy. I never realized how bad the relationship was until I was out of there and in college taking a bacc core health class on relationships. I understand why abuse victims go back, and it's horrible, but I understand

I swear, some people just see a gentle, sensitive soul and seek to only destroy it. It gives them power that they can't muster up for themselves.

I've got new insurance and will look into what I can do for therapy. I have a physical on Friday and will talk to that doc about it also. I'm trying to be positive about Friday, but she is awful (the doctor), and I usually come home crying. I could go in there with my arm hanging off and she would change the subject about why am I so fat....and I've gained a LOT of weight since I was in there last.

"I swear, some people just see a gentle, sensitive soul and seek to only destroy it. It gives them power that they can't muster up for themselves."

I find this too....I am destined to be in grade school for the rest of my life...

About your ex. You had a good rant here..If it helped you, can I suggest you write your ex a good long scathing letter? On paper. Simply write down how he makes and made you feel.
Oh I am not suggesting that you send it, but the act of writing it might help you release some of your thoughts.
You could even burn it like they do on television...but personally I would write pages and seal it in an envelope....Just knowing it was in my drawer would give me a small sense of closure. Metaphorically putting him away...

Umm..can you change doctors? We don't need to be told anything negative IMHO...