[LifeIsCruel]

LIFE!!!
“Life IS a gift.” I have heard this BS falsehood my entire life!

They say life is short...tell me?? What will we EVER do that is this long????

See….allow me to expound, I am neither a pessimist nor an optimist, but I AM a realist!

I am speaking from experience, years, full of horrible experience! Far too long in this entrapment. I used to believe, “it will get better”…now, I no longer lie to myself! I begin each day when I awaken with this, “Oh no, another one!” I end each day before I fall asleep with this, “I got this one out of the way, hopefully it is my last one!”

Life after birth---is Hell on this Earth!

Think about the following:

At birth, genetics determine how we will look—well that in itself is not fair! We have to live in these bodies, so IF life were fair, we could predetermine this PRIOR to birth, since it is “us” we are talking about here! (Maybe science will get there…they are “cloning” now…) But no! Now choices are made by two people, who in today’s world are reckless, careless, high on drugs and alcohol, irresponsible, and sex starved…while being too cheap to take protective measures or thinking of the consequences, problems, and repercussions which they are imposing on an innocent child by bringing it into this world. I have wished a million times that my mother would have had an abortion with me.

I was given piss poor genetics myself, so at a VERY early age…I made the best decision I have ever made! I elected to NEVER bring a child into this cruel, unfair, heartless world. Besides, even if I wanted kids, I never had a reliable female to give them to me-so at least that worked out good!

Life…okay…we are born, we then struggle thru 12 years of public school…..being picked on, bullied, and stereotyped, then when we rebel, it is us who gets into trouble? We work during this time, as we were not like so many of our fellow students who were born with a silver spoon shoved up their ____!

We are not given a fair shake from the get go! There are people who are “natural” athletes, singers, artists, etc….then there are people who struggle and never “make it”! There are people “born into” wealth, fame, looks, privileges, etc……others cannot attain it thru prayer, money, work, and efforts. Far too often, public school and college…I saw athletes who “had it” get benched! While “losers” who did not “have it” played due to their parents being Booster Club supporters, pillars of the community, or they contribute mega $$$ to the institution often! Fair? Hahahaha!
Not a perceived imperfection...but A TRUE ONE!

See......for years I worked out...took supplements, ate right, (even did 2 cycles of steroids)...never could attain "THAT LOOK" I wanted!!! The one that most guys are born with or attain in 6 months...I could not get in four years!!!! In 4 years!!!!!! Yeah...work out like H--- for years...then some dude walks in...having never worked out and immediately presses more weight than me!!! Gee...thanks GOD!?!? Then...to compound things....people.. People! Are always pointing out to me the things I hate about myself! (As if I did not know!) I have spent 99% of my life alone due to this...the 1% I was with a female...it was heart breaking to watch her "salivate" right in front of me towards guys with muscles and all!
I am content being alone...gotten used to it...I do not care if I ever have a relationship again...too much hassle and heartbreak and not worth it anymore!
But, it would be nice to "like" myself for the few years I have left...at least I hope it is ONLY a few...long enough...is enough!
Frustrating, depressing, hearbreaking...and YES...suicidal due to it...still even now!

"Professionals" with their "BS"...say "accept it" and "focus on your good qualities"....they can just pucker up and "KMA!!!!!!" After seeing and hearing 21 of these “so-called professionals” sing this “accept and focus on good qualities in yourself”..during my last visit this is what happened. They said, “Accept” and “Refocus”…I said, “Okay! I will do this! Now..what happens when I do and a guy comes along who has those so-called good qualities which you think I may have AND he has muscles too? Then what do I think? Never mind Einstein!! I am done and do not schedule me another visit!” I walked out and never returned!

Yeah...it is very encouraging to be out with a girl and she lusts and salivates and talks about guys who "have" that look! And it is not feasible to tell people close to me how I feel about this…as they will USE THIS against me every chance they get! Been there!!!!!

That is why I abstain from dating now!
Then, college! Oh yes! Opportunity! Invaluable! Or so I was fed this lie too. I worked (full time) also thru 4 years of college (full time), graduated with 3 degrees (2 A.A.S. and 1 B.S.) and a 3.89 GPA. Am I intelligent? Nooo! I just worked my self like crazy! What do I have to show for all of this: a glowing college transcript which has gotten me nowhere, a collection of expensive textbooks, and a peptic ulcer! Oh I am so grateful!

Then, try and put that education to work! Yeah right! You graduate and get this: “Great educational credentials! BUT—you have no experience in ______?” All my life I have seen people get opportunities just because of: 1. Who they sleep with 2. Who they are related to and 3. Who they know. Meanwhile, I am passed up and looked over time and time and time again! Each time I find an opportunity I would love…I get this, “You are over qualified.” Or “You are valuable where you are.” They say an education is something no one can steal from you, I guess not! For thieves only target things which have real value! So, I wasted my youth, time, money, and energy on college!!! I have never done illegal drugs, but I would have been better off shooting up Cocaine than pursuing education…at least then I may have captured “a happy, mood altering moment or two!”

Oh yes…and then we have the “typical college kid”…they attend school only (unlike me I worked fulltime thru college and high school) but they only “attend”…live in a dorm…party like it is 2099…stay drunk and high for four years…graduate with a 1.28 GPA….THEN! They land the “good positions” because of who they are kin to!!! Yeah…..or who they sleep with! Most people say, “You ought to be proud of your degrees.” Yeah, I sure am and I will share my pride with the utility company next month, I am sure they will say, “Oh! We proud too! Now disregard those bills going forward.”

Oh there is family, friends, and relationships to cherish! Bull#$%&!!!! I lost my father in 2007, and that was it! He was/is my hero, my idol, my mentor, my world! Family? I have a stepmother who is satan on this Earth! My father had “other” kids…but I claim no siblings…as they abandoned my father due to his strict upbringing. Relationships??? Oh yes, how can I forget! What a blessing they have been for me! Cheated on, lied to, used, stolen from, and yes, even abused, mentally/physically/or both in all of them! Friends? I have good friends on this site, I admit to that, and I AM grateful, but in real life…other than my Pastor, I have “acquaintances” who only contact me when there is something in it “for them”!

Oh and let’s not forget “the daily blessings”……filled with bills, problems, sickness, stuff needing repairs, depression, anxiety, physical ailments, panic, traffic, slow checkout lines, products you need not in stock at store, your order wrong at restaurant, poor service, contending with annoying people, watching criminals get a smack on the hand for the wrong they did, homeless people, and I could go on and on.

Then!!! We make it thru all this and guess what then? We become old and VERY sick! We try and survive on Social Security and Retirement funds. We sit idly by at home, in hospital, or in a nursing home just waiting on the inevitable to happen!

I welcome death with open arms! I truly do! Why fear it, or prolong the inevitable?

Life is a gift? Nooooooooooo!!! For a gift is something you want, need, or wish for…I did neither of these for this horrible life. Also, a gift should be exchangeable…but fortunately life is that! What keeps me going is this, yes, I have two failed suicide attempts….third time is a charm! But…even if I do not end it myself…each passing second is getting me closer to peace anyway! It can’t last forever…..the pain, torture, torment, agony, grief, disheartenment, feeling inferior, being an outcast, problems, depression, panic, anxiety, and all the other “pleasures” do eventually end! One way or another!

While driving home this evening, many 18-wheelers passed me in the opposite lane..the urge to shift onto their direction of travel at the last second was overwhelming! The only reason I didn’t, is I desire no harm on anyone else. You know…death…I extend my condolences to families whenever they experience it…..but inside I am always thinking, “This deceased person is so lucky, their battle is over! Damn! Is my turn ever coming? No more BS then! Peace at last!”

If you are new to me and my posts…please do not mention “professional” help! I have seen 21 “professionals” and here is what I have to show for it: 1. “Cope” 2. “Accept” 3. “Refocus” AND 4. Less money for me/more for them! Notice the acronym? C-ope, A-ccept, R-efocus=Car! Yes! I bought one for each psychiatrist and therapist while they played their CBT jokes on me. Their acronym is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy…in truth it means, “Can Barely Tolerate”.

Seriously think about my valid points? The good times are very few and short lasting, yet the bad stuff never ends! For myself, the life breakdown would be something like: 99.99999% bad, and .00001% good.

I have no hobbies…never was good at anything much…surprise! More failure.

I have been saved and baptized, yet nothing in this life fulfills me, other than getting out of it! This world is cruel, wicked, and full of sin….I try and be a light that shines, but in reality, I am a candle which tries to burn in an open field, while the winds (problems, etc.) storm upon me, at times in excess of 100 mph, from all 8 directions at once—this will do more to even the brightest, strongest, protected candle than merely cause it to flicker.

If I were to have a regular funeral, I have already chosen my epithet for my tombstone: FINALLY AT PEACE AND HAPPY AT LAST! But I am being cremated. Bad enough to have to be seen while alive…I sure do not desire to be stared upon while at peace.

So life is Fair??? More like a long, boring, depressing, cruel, and unjust joke played on me!

Check out my acronyms:

L-Loveless
I-Injustice
F-Frustrating
E-Excruciating

Yeah, I welcome the end with open arms! I have for a while! I hope and pray it is today…in one second will be great! I do not wish to suffer from some disease, or wait for that to happen, as I have been in pain and torment long enough. I do wish for peace..everlasting peace.

Please do not think or say that I have a negative outlook, for I do NOT! My outlook is quite positive: I am positive that life dealt me an unfair hand on all levels!! And I exemplified this in my writing. In death, not only will I find peace, and comfort, but also, in death, alas…there is equality! I have tried changing things myself-did not work, have tried professional counseling—Hahaha-get real! have prayed and sought help..voice goes unheard…? I believe the Bible ( and for the record—NOWHERE does it state that people who commit suicide are hell bound!) but Religion, has led to more confusion for me…so many denominations and they are ALL right in their eyes! Take scripture, 3 people can read the same verse and each interpret it differently! I cannot even fix this life..how can I fix the other one with so much misperception?

Not enough for you?

In addition, last year I lost my job and have been unable to find another one….
I suffer from hair loss too…tried everything, nothing works!
I had a “so-called” fiancée…she has been cheating on me for over a year with 2 different guys???!!! She still has stuff stored at my place..I can not pressure her, due to her family having “career criminals”, as I do not want my animals killed or house burnt down while I am gone.

Well, that does it…not all, but I am up to four pages now. I would say I hope someone can relate…but NOOO!!! I hope, I know, and I pray no one feels the pain I do, daily, never ceasing, as I awake, as I sleep, my every moment…captured, strangled, and did I say painful yet? To those of you who read this, I sincerely thank you…and you should feel better now…you could be me!!!

“The Glass”
Most people: It is half empty.
Some people: It is half full.
Myself: I was supposed to have a glass????? I don’t, it never contained anything, or was broken, even if I did.

Thanks again for your time.

PS
I also suffer from panic and anxiety, and yes…I have taken every antidepressant under the sun! I take meds now, but they are worthless.

[Alone91]

Sounds about right. Hating the body and all. Not being able to talk to anyone. I think we would be great friends, except that i have none

Okay. I really am sorry that life hasn't been a fun ride for you but I'm extremely annoyed at the fact that you think other people seem to have it easy. Yes. I am lucky to have a mother who loves me and money to pay for my education but I did not have it easy a single bit. My dad hit me and my sister on a regular basis. I was bullied by my roommate last year to the point I was afraid to come back to my room. The expectations placed upon me by my parents and family is overwhelming. Do you know what it's like to be compared to a girl who went to college at 16 years old? She's only a few years older than me and has already graduated as a doctor and I'm barely surviving college. My mom talked about my weight until I developed an eating disorder. I cut starting from junior high onward because I hated my life so much. I was forced into doing all sorts of sports and activities until I could no longer recognize what I wanted. In fact I didn't even realize that I had an opinion asides from my parents' until college. I only had the choice to be smart. To work hard. I had to start studying for college exams in 6th grade. I was not allowed to have fun or make my own decisions. Learn to play the piano. Take ballet. Join student council. My life was planned from the start and I was just a doll that had to go through with it. Let's add the fact that I'm gay on top of that and see how my parents will take that when I finally decide to come out because I'm afraid of being disowned. The guilt of not living up to expectation and being on my own and realizing that I've barely ever done something I wanted to do? Sure I've had some fun times in between being slapped around and stopping arguments between my parents since I was 5 years old. My dad cheated with a girl half his age and had the audacity to claim he was the victim. And you know what? I still have to see him every week as part of the court agreement. What do you say to the man who gave you half his genes and who owns a business and still won't have for child support? (This the summarized version as I need to sleep soon)

I understand you are upset that life isn't fair and that a lot of bad things have been happening to you and I truly am sorry that all of this has happened to you and your resentment towards life but don't you dare assume that people with "silver spoons shoved up their ___" had a free ticket to life. I have worked so hard for the little bit that I have. And for all of it that isn't mine, don't worry, I've been reminded everyday what my parents had to pay to get me here. It has given me nothing but grief, panic, and overwhelming anxiety for messing up even the slightest bit.

Please don't compare your problems to mine and think that I had it so much easier. My problems and depression are just as real as yours and we're all together on this crazy merry-go-round with no idea why we are here or why we feel terrible. I truly am sorry to hear that your outlook on life has been destroyed by life itself but please take comfort in the fact that you are not alone. Life may not be a gift but it is yours and even if you don't like it a lot of the time or wish to return it, it does have quite the way of surprising people with goodness when they need it most. I hope good things come your way soon.

Also, just because you aren't good at something doesn't mean you don't like things. My hobbies are mainly art and the only reason I don't suck as much as I used to is because I have practiced for 10 years now. Natural gifts only get you so far in life. The rest is hard work. If there is anything you do find some sort of interest that hasn't been eaten by depression, I would suggest to pursue it and see where it leads.

Best of luck!

I'm sorry that you had to have a rant, but I'm glad that you have a place to do so......

I would urge you, though, to consider than the masks that people wear are simply that......masks. A tremendous number of people gild the lily. Some of us (myself included) are what we are and tell it like it is.
So please consider that.

[SeekerOfLife]

Hey Life. This will be short. Library is soon to close. Sorry about your poor body image. I was born just plain plain. And I got uglier as I got older. I used to tell myself that same thing every morning, Oh no. another day. I finally quit doing it. It was a lousy way to start the day. This is my life. Ugly or not. I am trying to make it the best I can. It is a struggle.

[Fuzzybear]

Just sending hugs...

[jagenzwei]

This:
Most people: It is half empty.
Some people: It is half full.
Myself: I was supposed to have a glass?????

This is just awesome to me, can I steal it? Sounds like the crap hand I'm dealt most of the time. Every time I turn around, SLAP! There's another. Freaking. Thing.

I am curious, not to pry or anything or upset you, but what lead you to being so concerned with your "look"? Was it for athletics or to appease women?

I have this horrid body image and I wish I could just have plastic surgery. Change my whole face so I didn't look like me, so I'd look like anyone else. Then maybe someone would like me.

We had a track coach in high school that took one look at me and told me I couldn't run because I was too fat. I wasn't fat (well now I am), I have a large frame, big bones, great look for a woman (not). He said "look at her, and him, and him" as he pointed around the class. "There are my runners. You don't look like that." Like the kids that beat my ***** every day needed more ammo against me. Prior to this incident of humiliation, I had spent a year training, by myself, to run, and I wasn't super fast but I had a ton of endurance and could outlast many of his prized kids. But he didn't care. If you were a girl and didn't play with his wang, you didn't get on the team. Anyway, just ignore me. I'm feel awkwardly talkative tonight.

I hope you can find some shred of happy.

[LifeIsCruel]

Thanks to all responses...I do appreciate it and welcome more.

Jagenzwei-"I am curious, not to pry or anything or upset you, but what lead you to being so concerned with your "look"? Was it for athletics or to appease women"

Answer--neither! I want to be happy with ME!

I always compare myself to other men...I would trade bodies with ANY of them whom I have seen! "Professionals" have sung the "accept" song to me...okay..."Why would I accept pig feces, whenever every other guy has filet mignon???"