[Truthseeker14]

I'm eighteen, and for most of my high school career I've felt as if I've been depressed. I usually brush it off because 1) I don't exhibit some of the more serious symptoms and 2) I sometimes feel like I'm blaming my own shortcomings on depression, that I'm just making excuses for myself.

Every once in a while, whether I'm allowing the feelings that have been stuck inside me to surface or if they just appear sporadically, I'll begin to seek out help and guidance for something that seems to take over much of my life.

Almost every time I eat, I can't stop eating until I'm sickeningly full, but I take ballet so I haven't gained much weight from it. It makes me feel weak and out of control and terribly sluggish.

I don't enjoy conversations, especially vapid ones with people my own age or older, unless I've been drinking.

I look back at the past few years, and I honestly am floored by the number of times I've gotten myself out of bed. I usually have to imagine eating breakfast before I can drag myself up.

Showers seem dramatically tortuous; I'll think of having to get in, rush around to clean up before the water gets cold, put on lotion, brush out my tangly hair, dry it, put on make up, pick out an outfit... but I just feel like I'm blowing things out of proportion. Sometimes I'll find myself going through the morning ritual whilst sobbing uncontrollably, telling myself out loud to suck it up, taking deep breaths. Sometimes I can't do it so I skimp on the shower and feel gross throughout the day.

I got really excited about starting meditation; I only kept it up for three days. I used to love learning songs on the guitar, but I now get frustrated after ten minutes of trying. It's been hanging on my wall unused for months. I can't read anymore; I have at least three books that I absolutely loved that I then left unfinished halfway through. I don't know why.

I only applied for one college, and I didn't even send all of my paperwork in on time, so I may not even be accepted (even though I have a 35 on my ACT and am a National Merit Semi-Finalist). I just can't bring myself to care enough. College just seems like a larger, more difficult, more lonely version of high school.

I feel guilty almost everyday for the amount of privilege that has been placed in my meager body- I was born intelligent, white, of average attractiveness. I just want to give it all away sometimes, which makes me feel even MORE guilty because of how appreciative I should be.

I don't know if I had a question at all... I'm just tired of these feelings resurfacing, and I suppose I wanted to share the burden a bit. I've tried a few counselors, but they haven't helped. I suppose all I can do is to keep looking.

Thanks to anyone who cared to read this c:

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Emisthebomb1495.

Originally Posted by emisthebomb1495

I've tried a few counselors, but they haven't helped. I suppose all I can do is to keep looking.

Please consider speaking with a medical doctor as well. What you describe certainly sounds like depression, but depression symptoms can mask other problems.

Questions or no questions, please make yourself at home here.

Wow sounds like you beat yourself up a lot I'm sorry it's rough. It definitely sounds a lot like depression but I would definitely suggest trying to find another counselor. Also, it seems like you've been looking into things that you used to find enjoyable--which is good that you've been searching but I would definitely suggest trying new things since some of them don't appeal right now.

Also, you are very smart (I got a 33 on my ACT haha) but at the same time, especially if you're feeling this way, I wouldn't suggest going to college right away. Maybe take a few courses at a community college and a part-time job until you can at least lessen some of your symptoms or resolve some of the guilt issues you have.

I'm currently in college and though my depression symptoms didn't flare up in high school, college is definitely a larger and more difficult version. But that doesn't mean it's more lonely. I've met a lot of great people that I am friends with and also admire but at the same time college puts to the test your own abilities to manage yourself. Which is partially why when depression hit, I crashed and burned really badly. And even though you seem to really find pleasure in food (which is a great thing because food is awesome) if showering and going to class become that hard close to finals man things will be rough.

Last thing I want to mention is that it seems to me that you are crazy hard on yourself. You can feel guilty about plenty of things but please don't feel bad about things that are out of your control (ethnicity, intelligence, etc). And also, you're only 18. I bet you feel much older but age-wise, you're just starting to really grow. So please be gentle with yourself! It's okay to take it a bit slower and really experience what life has in store for you.

I hope things start to look up soon and feel free to message me if you have any questions about college or anything else!

[Truthseeker14]

I really appreciate your answering me so thoroughly. I am very hard on myself; it all started when I used to put myself in time-out for reasons my mom said weren't even worth it... hehe. Anyway, thanks again. c:

No problem!

Oh man! A history of beating yourself up D: that'll be tough to break! But haha in that sense we're really similar because my parents just stare in amazement of me sometimes at how hard I am on myself. They're like "...wah? Calm down you're doing fine." It's fine to have high expectations but it's also important to hug yourself :P I think my favorite saying is "be your own best friend" and cheer for yourself! (Though that's a lesson I'm learning slowly as well).

But yes, best of luck!

Take care of yourself and let me know if you need anything!

It's amazing what going away to school will do for you. Sometimes it's the best thing and sometimes it's not so good. I think it's important to realize that, if you are away or not, if it's not working for you then it's perfectly acceptable to take a year to yourself. I think life is so much more flexible when you're as young as you are.
I have found that lately, I had to ask my husband to make sure I take my meds....and he does.
If you can ask your mom to do the same, I strongly encourage it. I know they take a while to kick in and it seems futile in the beginning, but they might be exactly what will change your thinking enough so that you feel more in control of what's going on rather than just watching, helpless and uncaring.