[ifthespiritmovesme]

I have suffered with depression for most of my life. My first suicide attempt was age 19 or 20. I am now over 60 and still struggle. The pattern just keeps repeating itself over and over. I spiral down, get help, climb that long road back up, have a few good months, maybe even a year or 2, then start spiriling down again.

In the past couple years, the depression seems to hit hard and fast, before I can manage any coping skills. It's pretty scary, as I go SO DOWN, so quickly.

I am dealing with some difficult issues right now, and not taking very good care of myself. I do have to get myself together at least a bit, as there will be an inspection of the apartments on Tuesday. I've done nothing for several weeks in the way of cleaning up.

I am having a biopsy in March of nodules found on my thyroid. They look suspicious for cancer. When they told me, all I felt was a welcome relief. Finally, I might be at peace...

Don't know why I'm sharing this, really. It's just that, after 40-some years, I have no more hope left of ever being a happy person. Depression, for me, has never been a temporary situation...Sucks

[live2ski66]

So sorry to hear your story. I can relate, for me too depression is part of who I am. There will be times when it's under control, but most of the time it's wrecking havoc with my life. I've been at this for 20+ years. PM me if you would like to talk to someone who has experienced your challenges.
Good luck!

[ifthespiritmovesme]

Thanks, Nikki. I'm not in any danger, just sad. I'm seeing my Pdoc on Mar. 6. I don't think we're gonna be able to remedy this. I just don't feel that life has any meaning. We're born, we procreate, we die. I am empty. Has always been, will always be. It's really hard to keep fighting.

[tohelpafriend]

I am sorry you are experiencing those emotions and thoughts. I've had depression off and on since after the birth of my second child; got healed once in church, but it came back; never really got the right meds, which could be a big part of what you are experiencing and medical problems can mess up the thoughts. I took one day at a time through the Winter so far; sometimes a change of place can help, if you can get away or visit someone. I hope you can get it together....I struggle with insomnia, that's why I'm up right now......the battle is with the mind, you have to overcome it by changing your thoughts and holding onto hope when there seems none; I know, I'm there right now...I'm also borderline and lately it's like a battle to go out and avoid some drama with someone....fighting with the dental office over an interest fee when they got the claim wrong.....dealing with an angry contractor.....I'm running out of safe places to go and be...my dog loves me...do you have any pets? Cheers, "help............."

[ifthespiritmovesme]

Thanks,tohelpafriend. I have a very loving kitty,,,he;s a sweet little helper. I've been taking Cymbalta for years for Fibromyalgia and depression. Added Trazadone for help in gettng to sleep maybe a year ago. Like most everything, stmptoms are treated, but I think it'll always be there....waiting for an opportunity to grab on again. I just feel I'm missing that "joy in life" so many people suposedly possess...Tonight (last night now) I couldn't even medicate myself to sleep...This is just no fun way to live.

[CrimsonBlues]

Hello ifthespiritmovesme-

I was moved by your post and I can empathize with your experiences. I have also been battling with depression my entire life and I am so tired of fighting the painful symptoms. It's never ending. I can also understand why you felt relief about your possible diagnosis of cancer-but I also don't want you to suffer another minute-whether it's physical or mental pain. For that reason, I am hoping that you do not have cancer and that you will find the peace and happiness that you deserve. I wish there was something I could do to help. I am here if you ever want to talk.

[Little Lulu]

Just sending you ((((hugs)))).

[ifthespiritmovesme]

Thank you both crimsonblues and ittle Lulu. I am feeling a bit better, though foggy-headed and nauseas (can't spell it!) from no sleep. Today will be a self-care day. Nice soak, dark eye mask, a bit of shuteye. That's as far as I've planned.
Thanks to you all for your support!! HUGS

[Little Lulu]

Keep us updated - hope you day goes better. Your plans sound like what you need to do to take care of yourself.

I'm so sorry....Like livetoske66 said, I also consider it a part of me. The worst part.

I guess we all simply are hoping. At least we're tenacious....

Indulge. It's glorious and necessary, as is sharing..

[ifthespiritmovesme]

Geeze - The best laid plans.....

Tried to sleep this am. No luck. Put some clothes in the washer, got nauseus and laid down for 1/2 hour. Got up, put clothes in dryer, rested again for an hour. Put clean clothes away, almost got to sleep and there was a tornado watch "take immediate cover".

Then my nemisis Endo. doc. called to feed me some BS and I was very anxious, unprepared, etc. There is supposed to be a conference call on Tuesday with my Pdoc and PCP the Endo and me.. She should not have called me directly. So, I put a call in to my Pdoc asking for a return call and his help fending off any more calls from Endo. unless he's there. Waiting for his call....

I'm okay emotionally, just really tired.. I WILL run that bath now.....

Thanks guys (HUGS)