[The_little_didgee]

I have been suffering since early December. Every year I get the winter blues, but this year it has been severe. In the beginning I felt very sad and cried a lot. Then the sadness mostly disappeared, after I survived through two days of intense suicidal thoughts on January 17 and 18. Now, I am left with flattened emotions. Whenever I feel one such as sadness, it is muted.

My anxiety is really bad. I constantly feel anxious and creeped out. Sometimes I get very restless and want to go on a violent rage for no reason. I have also been very irritable. The smallest things will set me off, which is not typical me. Sometimes I have altered perceptions that confuse me.

My thoughts feel so dark. It also present in my dreams. Before I was sleeping about 13 hours a day. Now I am getting around 6 or 7, with a lot of wake ups.

I can barely function. My days are spent in my PJs either in bed or at the computer. The last two months I have only had a bath or shower 9 times. I have withdrawn from the world and friends. The only person I have been keeping in contact with is my mother. I've been forcing myself to eat, even when I don't want to.

I barely care about university, which I used to really enjoy. Nothing really matters anymore even Fs on my transcript. My interests have disappeared. Now I obsessively read through medical literature to clear my name of an awful misdiagnosis that was given to me 20 years ago.

I can't make sense of what is going on with me. This is beyond SAD.

I don't know what to do. Psychiatrists, pills, ERs, crisis hotlines and the family doctor are not options. I feel trapped.

[Marla500]

if you don't mind my asking, why are doctors out of the question? you may very well need some help from a medical professional. anxiety and depression are hard to deal with.

[smmath]

Can you work out before bed or drink some tea? It might help with your sleep. Do you work out all?

[The_little_didgee]

Originally Posted by Marla500

if you don't mind my asking, why are doctors out of the question? you may very well need some help from a medical professional. anxiety and depression are hard to deal with.

Doctors just don't get it. Everything is psychopathologized. I just want to be respected, heard and listened to. I am also petrified of getting labeled, since I was misdiagnosed in the past, which was quite traumatic.

Originally Posted by smmath

Can you work out before bed or drink some tea? It might help with your sleep. Do you work out all?

No, I don't exercise. I used to walk everywhere. It is getting warmer so I could try going for some walks again.

[bookmadness]

Hi there Didgee (I like your diagnosis in your signature. Clever.)--

Have you looked into Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR)? There are books and classes about it, and even some offered in the Ontarioooo area Not that it can fix all ills, but it integrates mindful living, meditation, and simple yoga techniques to assist with a variety of mental and physical issues.

I'm not a saleperson, I just play one on this forum (ha ha.)

Of the various other techniques I've attempted in conjunction with my medications and therapy, this has helped the most. (You also don't have to reveal more than you wish or provide diagnoses.)

thinking warm thoughts for you (someone who grew up on the US side of Lake Ontario...so cold and dark the SAD lasts 9 months out of the year)
bookmadness

[Rapunzel]

Depression makes you feel like acting in a way that increases the depression. It can get very intense, and if it doesn't get better you may need to get some kind of professional treatment in order to break free of it.

There are some things that you can try. The things that work involve acting the opposite of you you feel. You don't feel like getting out of bed, so get out of bed. You don't feel like showering and getting dressed, so make a point of doing it anyway. You don't feel like going outside, or exercising, or talking to people, so those are the things you need to do.

Even if it is cold or cloudy or not nice weather outside, 20 minutes of exposure to sunlight (even through clouds) will make a difference if you do it every day (or you can use a light box if you have one). Going for a walk or other kinds of exercise works at least as well as taking an antidepressant.

[recentdiscovery]

Originally Posted by bookmadness

Have you looked into Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR)?

As someone recently diagnosed with depression I highly recommend this. It can be difficult to implement when there is a ton of stuff swirling up there but just start applying it to one thought at a time.

There will be days it won't work, thoughts and emotions overpower the rational mind too much, but there are also techniques to cope with this that MBSR teaches.

I am one to talk, all my training did jack today but dealing with love and loss is up there at the top of emotions and i'm dealing with it hard right now. MSBR is good to change your daily routine thinking though IMO.

[The_little_didgee]

Originally Posted by bookmadness

Hi there Didgee (I like your diagnosis in your signature. Clever.)--

Have you looked into Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR)? There are books and classes about it, and even some offered in the Ontarioooo area Not that it can fix all ills, but it integrates mindful living, meditation, and simple yoga techniques to assist with a variety of mental and physical issues.

I'm not a saleperson, I just play one on this forum (ha ha.)

Of the various other techniques I've attempted in conjunction with my medications and therapy, this has helped the most. (You also don't have to reveal more than you wish or provide diagnoses.)

thinking warm thoughts for you (someone who grew up on the US side of Lake Ontario...so cold and dark the SAD lasts 9 months out of the year)
bookmadness

Thank you Bookmadness. I really enjoyed reading your reply.

I'm in Eastern Ontario, where it is a bit colder than in the cities that border Lake Ontario. Their winters seem mild compared to the ones we get. It doesn't help that my city is located in a valley where heavy cold air tends to settle and remain. The cold is hard to deal with, but it is a lot better than my hometown in northern Canada (latitude 53 degrees), where nights are a lot longer and the lows can easily reach - 35/- 40 degrees Celsius. Brrrrr.

My SAD comes around October and doesn't disappear until March. About a month to go. Yaaaay!

I just read about Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction. It is definitely a different way of living and thinking than what I am used to. I have never had much success with meditation. My mind seems to wonder off or I am trying too hard and cannot relax. Maybe I haven't given it much of a chance.

There are organizations here that MBSR provide training, but they cost money. Right now funds are very limited so I cannot go that route.

Yoga interests me enough that I am willing to try it out.

[paynful]

I suffer from SAD as well. My heart goes out to you.

Everyone has already made great suggestions. The only thing I could add is...

Exercise definitely healthy and tires me out... but it is so outlandish to consider when I get winded from walking across the room, and I don't even have energy to chew my food.

When this is the case, I try to do stretches (Yoga-style) in front of the TV. Or do some meditating/breathing exercises to relax. It makes me feel like I'm doing something to ease my anxiety and stress without over doing it.

I hope you can find what works for you.