[Skywoulf]

Hello.

who am I? What am I? what if I have emotions, but don't know it? What if I swore a vow to never cry again, or show vunerablilty (makes it easier for them to attack) and haven't been able to cry since(46 years)? but feel that that control is slipping.

Alone in a crowd/in company? that's me.
feel like throwing in the towel (the S word)? that's me. (side note I found out as a teen, and later in my 30's that I am physically incapable of it.)
and a bunch more stuff that will have to be dragged out of me kicking and screaming because I cant/wont/don't know how to talk about it.

and psych eval? I wish! had one for SSI, and first thing she asked me was if I felt that I could do myself or others harm, with a theat of calling the police!

who is gonna be honest after that?
so yea, I got issues. got to me so bad today that I actually called the national crises hotline to ask them two very important questions:

am I having a crises?
am I suicidal?

I have no idea and no clue as to weather I am or not. (we spoke for 4 hours) but she did tell me that I am right in thinking that I am headed for some kind of breakdown, and she admitted that she feared for my future safety. got no idea what she meant tho. in fact, she said she would call tomorrow, and I don't know if that is good or bad?

I am literally drowning in a morass of the space between a rock and a hard place where what little hope or dreams you might think you have gets dashed to pieces on the rocks of despair.

2 personal quotes:

"there is no such thing as love"
"what is hope that those who need it the most are forever denied it"

[too SHy]

Sounds like you are in a real bad spell. I learned not to cry,too. It makes the emotions worse, more painful. I have been where you are. Try to hang on, hang on for as long as it takes for it to let up on you, because it does.

[themonster7]

What is hope that those who need it the most are forever denied it...
...

[optimize990h]

Hello, Strangerinthecorner.



If you have any questions, post in the appropriate forums. You were able to reach out and contact the rl person you mentioned. You have also joined PC Forums as well.

Being able to express yourself in the forums is important. I hope that the talk with the rl person from the crisis resource you contact will find you some answers to help you start to work on your situation.

I do hope you return to post here at PC Forums, for you are not alone. Other PC members have or are going through similar emotions and feelings. I do hope you return here for support. Take what you like and leave the rest behind. Take care.

[Skywoulf]

thanks guys, I know that those well wishes "Should" make me feel better, but sadly they don't. as far as me being in a bad place, I don't know that I am or not, I am 51 yrs old and have been this way since the afore mentioned age of 5. there is no light at the end of the tunnel, and the walls are closing in fast..... I cannot see them but I feel them. (I have always felt this way as far back as I am capable of remembering. I have to try to believe it when someone tells me I am in a bad place, because it is all I have ever known. how do you know if you are depressed, if you have never felt anything else?)

I have more going on coming at me from so many different directions that it is more than one can handle, but what choice do I have? I get out of bed, plod thru another misarible wearing day, go to bed, wash rinse repeat.

I mean "My Goodness"! I don't do forums because I cannot type or spell too well, and yet here I am on one...... (and how many minutes/hours/days until I move on because this diversion will not last? and I go back to my self destructive "I can shoulder my burdens alone, Thank you...." attitude.)

I don't write. and yet here I am having written 2 books for posts! ha ha ha

the following is one of my original writings made back (I cant remember when) rewritten on 2008 and shows where my head is Normally at. every day it gets worse, and worse:

What is Love.....
That it feels soooo GOOD!
What is Love.....
That it hurts so BAD!
What is love.....
That it can give you hopes, dreams, and asperations....
What is Love.....
That it can take those same hopes, dreams, and asperations and throw them off a cliff to shatter below on the rocks of despair!
What is Love.....
That it can promise so much, but deliver so little.
What is Love.....
That it can bring a strong man to his knees.
What is Love.....
That you can know it but never feel it.
What is Love.....
That you can feel it but not know it.
What is love that can drive the whole world out of existance for but a single moment. The answer you seek lies in the forever unknown, because I cannot answer the simple question:
What is Love?

stranger '08

a little poetry for you guys.....

[Thorn Bird]

I love this poem it defines how paradoxical love can be - I am all heart I love and feel very deeply so much so that it often prevents me practically coping with life - it rules my heart and my life. Love should be filled with actions and not merely a feeling - I too have been hurt and confused by it. I think we first need to love ourselves before we are truly able to love others! Love can be so painful and hurt so much but at it's best is all we aspire to have xXx

[live2ski66]

Welcome, and thank you for feeling trusting enough to share with us.
It sounds like the SSI interviewer did more damage than good. Unfortunately they seem to choose the bottom of the pile to fill those positions and all they are capable of doing is read a form and fill in the bubbles. If only they could experience a week in our shoes, perhaps then they would open a dictionary and learn what the word empathy means.
I've only been here for a short while, but have been able to find support I have not found elsewhere. I tend to be a loner (plan to change that this year) but I've made friends in the three weeks since I became active.
I recommend that you read through various forums, not just the one you think you belong. A lot of this mental health garbage crosses boundaries. Also, I recommend you check out the chat rooms. You don't have to participate, just observe. You'll be surprise what you can learn.
I hope you find some solace with us. Good luck!