Hi. I am new to posting here and am scared to let go. I have read for a while and I find that the support here is great but I am afraid I will not be accepted because that is how I have always felt. Here it is another middle of the night. The days come and go so quickly but the nights are very long and sleepless. This time of year holds so much pain. As the pain and feelings of abandonment seep in I find myself lost. I want to run and be swept away where I don't have to answer to anyone for the way I feel. To think is hard and thoughts go back where no one was there. To be so unwanted at a time you were suppose to learn hope, love, and a sense of belonging. Neglect lingers to the point that even now I find no understanding of words-they are just that-words. Found in black and white in a book that contains pages and pages of them, with a written meaning that is neither heartfelt or understood, until you turn to the U's for unloved, unwanted, used, or useless. Those are the kind of words I can put meaning with. Those are the words that make sense, that seem to have a place. I try to think of positive, uplifting thoughts but the black clouds just roll in and the only truth I know swallows me. I cannot run from what I know for I'm not scared of it. It is what I do not know that scares me. It's those that call or show up once every month or so and tells you they care and how much you've changed that scare you. For you haven't changed, you just are merely hiding because being who you are is not acceptable. You learn to be what they expect so they will not judge you. You paint on a mask to be what you need to be and you play along with the game of being fine so you don't disappoint anyone. But the lonely, unloved truth sits deep in the pit of your stomach aching to be heard, longing to be understood, but knowing that the secrets must be kept so no judgements will come. Those ten minutes seem like hours as you fight back the tears that are screaming for someone to just listen. You just long for a moment for someome to just look in the eyes just beyond the mask, behind the make-up, and the words "I'm find" to who you really are. Those words that should be a warning but to ears that don't want to hear mean nothing. The expectation was set and you must meat the requirements to receive the ten minutes of thought. Those that say they care are only there if you are what they expect. Does anyone really listen? Can anyone hear what I cannot seem to put into words? Depression in and of itself is so hard but when you try to hide it just gets harder to stand. I have fought depression since I was a child and I feel myself sinking right now. And I'm scared. Is there anyone there?

Hi Purplesecrets

Welcome to PC, you are right, there is a large amount of support here. People here ARE accepted for just being themselves, nobody is abandoned nor neglected here, we all understnad where you are coming from and what you feel isnt new to most of us.

i felt for your words, reading your post i felt i connected with you. i understnad what is going around in your head, i really do.

its always a scary experience to begin with, something like this site. but you will in time learn to lose those walls and build proper friendships with people here, i know because i have.

firstly, can i just say that you should never live life the way you think you ought to, his will cause a lot of your misery. we can never be somebody we arent, its impossible. we have to be true to ourselves, to be true to our hearts. we will never be happy living someone elses life, and besides, we only have one shot at life, so why live it the way others want you to.

people will never see the real you if you hide behind masks that you think should be there. you say you long for someone to see beyond the mask, but they wont, they cant unless you drop it. in time, you will learn how to slwoly lower the mask and reveal the real you. please dont continue living someone elses life. i for one would like to get to know the real you.

depression is such a hard thing to dealw ith, it really is. most of the time it cannot be done alone. we need help to overcome it. well done for facing it head on, and for coming here to PC, trust me when i say you are on the road to recovery. we are all here to help and we will never outcast you. we are here with open arms ready to accept the real you.

you dont have to scream here to make anyone listen. nor will you struggle to let us understand.

this is the start of your recovery process now. you will see a brighter day soon, i promise.

have you been to your doctor about getting anti-depressants? do you attend therapy? if the answer to both of these questions in "no", then i'd advise you try both. just go to your doctor and explain how you feel, they too can help and will know what to do to help.

Im glad to see you here, purplesecrets. i sure hope you stay for a long time.

im here if you should ever need me ok. just pm me anytime.

simon

[HALLIEBETH87]

pm me whenever you wish my dear. no one here will judge...we're all here for a reason. and i can assure we ALL know how you feel and would love to listen. give chat a chance, its amazing.

[Sabrina]

Hi purplesecrets

Welcome to PC. I am sure that it took some courage for you to post. Coming from a place where I often feel I am not accepted, I do understand your feeling. However, I can assure you that I have always found acceptance, understanding and friendship here.

"Can anyone hear what I cannot seem to put into words?" I think so. This has been my personal experience many a time here. Even the times when I am not posting much or not saying much in my posts.

I know that things can be overwhelming - so please take your time and post as you feel comfortable.

We will all be here for you.

Take care!